Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Another Weird Ass Dream Or Should I Say Nightmare

Last night I had another crazy dream. This dream was probably the craziest dream I've ever had. I honestly think I was in hell. Let me explain...

In the dream I was in a white room holding a gun. There was a squirrel crawling on the wall and there was another squirrel on the floor. These weren't ordinary squirrels. They had some mutations. Their feet and hands looked like huge paws (like that you would find on a lion or tiger) with 6 fingers. 

I shot the squirrel that was crawling on the floor and then I shot the squirrel that was crawling on the wall. The squirrel on the floor died. The squirrel on the wall looked like it died too, but then it turned into a turquoise viber snake!

I stared at the snake and it stared back at me with a look that would make me piss my pants if this was real life. It hissed at me. I raised the gun to shoot the snake, but before I could fire it jumped forward in one quick motion and bit me! 

At that point I woke up. 

I don't know what this dream means but it scares the shit out of me.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Something I Should Have Done A Long Time Ago...

Not My Actual Ring

Today I purchased my college class ring. I graduated from college years ago, but I'm only now purchasing my class ring. Why? When I was in college I couldn't afford my class ring. I was a broke graduating senior who was about to enter the world in what turned out to be the hardest hit economy since the Great Depression. 

I didn't even have a job lined up after graduation. I didn't bother asking my parents for help purchasing the ring because I knew that would be a dead end. If I were ever going to get my ring I would have to purchase it myself. I promised myself once I was able I would purchase my class ring.

My class ring is important to me because Spelman College is important to me. It is my hope that one day I will have a daughter who will follow in my footsteps and attend Spelman. Hopefully, she will have a ring of her own one day. I'm hoping I am the beginning of a legacy. 

I had to work hard and push myself through college without much financial help or parental support from my parents. I didn't come from the close two parent household like my freshman and sophomore roommates. For the first year or so I struggled with depression and everything else. So much so that my hair began to fall out. I think this was one of the lowest points in my life.

Post college I also fell into a self-loathing period as I watched friends from college finish law school and go on to start families of their own. I felt like a loser (boy if I knew then what I know now...all that glitters is not gold...those folks today aren't doing any better than I was back then). I felt like I was being left behind.

Now as a twenty-nine year old woman, who has accomplished some success in life, I feel vindicated. This ring makes me feel vindicated. I could have purchased it a year or two ago, but maybe the moment wasn't right. Maybe I was waiting to get to a certain point in my life before I purchased the ring. 

Anyway, I bought the ring in the picture with Spelman's seal. The only difference is my ring is 14k gold and antique finish...

Grand total = $963.00

This is one of the happiest days of my life.

Never Thought I Would Ever...

Today I did something I never thought I would ever do: I went on a spending spree. I spent $2,500 on clothes, shoes, jewelry and perfume. 

On one hand, I think I over did it. I just wanted to buy some business casual clothes and a trench coat. Instead, I ended up buying out several stores.

On the other hand, I think I needed this in my life. I'm not a big spender. In fact, I live very modestly in the same studio apartment I've been living in for almost three years. 

A little shopping spree every blue moon is not going to kill me. Hell I like to look good and smell good. When I'm looking my best you can't tell me nothing!

Who knows...maybe one day in the future I'll get up the nerve to drop a couple stacks on this...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

What The Hell Does This Mean???

Last night I had one of the weirdest and freakiest dreams ever. What scares me the most about this dream is it repeats itself every few months. Let me explain...

There is a man who keeps appearing in my dreams. I knew him in college but I haven't spoken to him in years. When I was at Spelman he was a student at Morehouse. We fell out and our friendship ended because I thought he was an egotistical asshole. He also told me that his girlfriend, who apparently was threatened by our friendship, didn't want him speaking to me anymore. So, we haven't spoke since. 

For whatever reason this individual keeps popping up in my dreams and when he does we are FUCKING! 

Yes, you read that right. 

In the dream I had last night we were shopping in a mall. Something happened, words were exchanged, he got mad at me and left me in the mall. I ventured into an adidas store (and note...I've never seen an adidas store in my life) where I proceeded to look at clothes. 

Minutes later he shows up and I'm giving him the cold shoulder. I remember saying, "Leave me alone!"  He refuses and instead he forces me into a nearby closet that looks like an abandoned dressing room. He rips off my underwear and he whips out his dick. The next thing I know we are going at it raw and hard. 

We finish screwing and the next thing I know we are leaving the closet. The manager of the store meets us outside the dressing room with a look of disgust. She says, "I hope you two are done..."

And that's when I woke up....literally hot and bothered while thanking God it was just a dream.

Each and every time this man appears in my dreams we have had a sexual encounter. I'm trying to figure out why?

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Perhaps this man will be the father of my children? What the hell does this reoccurring dream mean?

I'm scared.

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Sweet Gift

I woke up this morning feeling under the weather. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have slept half naked last night. Sigh...

Yesterday I ordered the above edible arrangement for Sapphire. It's supposed to be delivered to her today. 

It looks delicious. 

Hopefully we can eat these white chocolate strawberries together.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Let's Get Something Straight...

I have received more hate mail from my last blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I think I have lost more subscribers as a result of that one blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I expected folks to be surprised. I didn't expect the hate, disappointment, anger, and hostility. 

This blog post is NOT about just one or two people. It is about SEVERAL people (some of which are old enough to be my mother) and several emails I have received...

I am not a perfect woman. I have never claimed to be a perfect woman. In fact, I have acknowledged my flaws. I'm hypocritical, egotistical, abrasive, and seemingly uncaring at times. I have owned up to all of the above. 

I have also owned up to my racist beliefs, issues with depression, etc. This is nothing new. 

I am a work in progress. People evolve. We grow. We learn. We change. I doubt I am the same person I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Why? Because of life and experiences. 

My goals change. My desires change. The way I see the world changes. 

I don't want to hate the world and I'm tired of being angry all the time. I miss being happy. I miss being in love. I miss courting a woman. I miss waking up next to someone. I have more money than I ever thought I would have, but I cannot enjoy it because I sit around pissed off all the time about things I can't control in the world. 

I want some happiness goddammit! 

It has come to me from the unlikeliest of sources: A white woman.

I have fallen in love with a white woman and this one fact alone has sent some of the women who follow this blog flying off a cliff! 

I have received emails reading something like...

  • "You are such a hypocrite. I thought you were only into black women..."
  • "I used to be a fan, but I'm not anymore. I hope you and the white girl are happy together. I won't be supporting you, your blog, Sweat, or anything else by you."
  • "I liked you, but I don't anymore. There are plenty of black women out here. You just need to get out of Atlanta or stop dissing those of us who want to get to know you better..."

I have damn near heard it all these last few days. Thankfully the women writing this stuff haven't been the majority. In fact, most of the comments and emails I've received about Sapphire have been positive. I appreciate the support. 

I wasn't going to rant and rave about it, but some of these emails are unnerving. This is why I will not date or meet anyone through my blog. This nonsense is a fatal attraction waiting to happen. 

Women who I have never met or had a conversation with have seemingly fallen in love with me through this blog. On one hand I'm flattered and gracious. On the other hand it spooks me.

Who I date is my business. I'm not going to live my life worrying about losing subscribers on this blog. If you ever reach the point where my blogs, who I'm dating, or what I'm doing is fucking up your head it's best to unsubscribe. 

I'm NEVER going to be everything to everybody. I can only be ME...and I am complex as hell. Take me for what I am please.

Let me address another thing...

The cries of internalized racism/colorism/self-hate/me being anti-black woman are UNFOUNDED. Just about every woman I have been crazy about has been black. These women have been dark-skinned, brown-skinned, light-skinned, etc. No one can ever accuse me of hating black women because that is bullshit if I've ever heard it. I admit I have a type (i.e., natural hair, clean cut, slim, feminine), but overall black women have always been my preference. I also admit I DESPISE the ratchet stereotypical black lesbians we have here in Atlanta (and many of you seem to share my feelings because I get those emails as well).

Generally speaking, I try to show everyone respect. If you come at me correct you will get that in return. When I'm wrong I will apologize and keep it moving. However, I am not going to be told what to do, who I am, or how I should feel. 

Now that I've decided that Sapphire is going to be MY woman my blogs will only become more graphic and detailed about our relationship. She's about to be become a big part of my life. She's about to become a big part of this blog. If you cannot stomach that UNSUBSCRIBE.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Internal Conflict

Katherine Wentworth: A character from Dallas

I've been thrown a curve ball in life. It's something that I never saw coming. Perhaps it is some type of cruel poetic justice for my racist views and hatred. It's also probably the MAIN reason I took such a harsh tone with my brother about his family. 

What's the curve ball?

I have fallen in love with a white woman...and it's killing me on the inside!

I certainly didn't see it coming. I met her in a gay/lesbian bookstore. I was reading the back of a book when she came up and began browsing the bookshelf next to me. I was about to move out of her way when she said, "It's okay...you're fine." Up until that point I hadn't paid the woman much attention. When she spoke I looked up from the book and I was met with one of the most striking women I've ever seen. This wasn't a plain Jane white woman. This woman was a 10!

The thing that startled me the most was her eyes. She has the most striking pair of sapphire blue/gray eyes I've ever seen. In fact, the only time I can recall ever seeing eyes similar to hers was on a character from Dallas. Her name on the show was Katherine Wentworth...

I honestly wonder if her eyes are some type of genetic mutation...but then that's neither here nor there...

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog and all future blogs this woman will be nicknamed Sapphire.

That day Sapphire and I started a conversation. That conversation led to an exchange of phone numbers. The exchange of phone number led to several late night conversations. Those conversations eventually led to dates. Those dates led to a kiss that took place Sunday. And now here I am...feeling some kind of way because I feel some kind of way about this woman.

I'm a hypocrite. Part of the reason I blasted my brother is because he married a white woman. I was also blasting myself internally for falling for one. I've tried to justify my feelings for this woman by telling myself, "Well she's not an American white woman. She is a Canadian...." which she is by the way.

I've told myself, "Her ancestors didn't own slaves and they played no part in Jim Crow."

I've told myself, "She's not like those other whites..."

But no amount of justification can possibly explain how or why I ended up falling for a white woman.

The uncomfortable truth is I'm falling in love...and it feels good. Maybe this is God's way of trying to tell me something. Perhaps I need to change my views on race. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to let this woman go.

I like her...I like her a lot.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Making My Wrong Right...

I feel bad about the way I spoke to my brother yesterday. I don't feel bad about the things I said about my brother and his wife. I feel bad about the things I said about my niece and nephew (i.e., my "little beige motherfuckers"comment).

So in an attempt to make things right I gave my mama one hundred dollars to take my niece and nephew to a toy store to buy them whatever they want. I didn't give the money to my brother and his wife because they would spend it on themselves.

I don't personally have anything against my brother's kids. It is their parents who I detest. It's not their fault that my brother and his wife try to use them as ransom or a tool to get money out of the family. I regret my comments which were said in spite. I am deeply ashamed of myself for the way I described the kids. It won't happen again. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

The Trash That Married Into My Family

After today I might make an honest effort to repent. I might make an honest effort to be more tactful and not so blunt...

Today, I ventured home to my hometown. I didn't have a particular reason for going home. I just felt like getting out of my apartment. My daddy and his girlfriend are on a cruise. So, I had his house completely to myself. I dropped by my mama's house and encountered my older brother, his new wife, and their two children. 

I haven't seen or spoken to my oldest brother in three years. I know it's been three years because my nephew, his youngest child, was a newborn when I last saw him. He will be three in November. I know that sounds bad, but we've never had a real sister/brother relationship. It's always been more like I'll see you when I see you.

He got married a few months ago to his white babymama. I wasn't around when he got married either. 

Anyway, on this particular day I showed up at my mama's house and gave my brother and his family a courtesy, "Hello." My brother returned the favor. His daughter ran over and gave me a hug. Her brother, who I'm sure doesn't know me from the man in the moon, mimicked her and jumped on my legs. My brother's wife didn't say shit to me. 

I can't tell you how much this chick annoys me. She has always annoyed me. Not simply because she is white, but she was clearly raised differently from most southern folks. My grandmother always told me when you walk into a room or encounter someone you show the proper respect....meaning a courtsey, "Hello, how you are today?" 

This woman doesn't say any of the above. She will walk into YOUR house and not say shit to you even if you say hello to her. Disgusted, I decided to ignore her. I bent down and playfully tickled my niece and nephew before moving on. 

As the day went on I found myself engaged in a conversation with my brother. Somehow or the other he started talking about how my mama and little brother won't help him financially. He said I don't do shit for him either. My mama and little brother told me stories about my brother and how he keeps the kids away from them whenever they refuse to help him financially. Well, he must have forgot who the hell I am because he got me twisted.  

I looked at him like...

Me (to him): What the hell is wrong with you? Your dumbass should have went out here and got yourself a white girl with some money instead of the mute poor white trash you married. You should have left her worthless ass in the trailer park where you found her. These two little beige motherfuckers are YOUR kids...not mine....not mama's and not (insert little brother's name). The only thing you and that heifer know how to do is make babies! Then you have the nerve to turn around and expect someone else to support them! If you can't goddamn feed them...don't breed them!

My brother (angry): Don't talk about my family like that!

Me: Somebody needs to talk about them and you! If your ass is looking for a handout you and her need to take your asses down to the welfare office. You need to be a man and take care of your family. You live in a house you don't have to pay for and you sorry bastards can't even pay the property taxes on the house (the house was purchased by my maternal grandmother because he couldn't afford to put a roof over his family's head). Damn you and damn your family. If you want to keep your family away from me because I won't send you any money...fuck you and fuck them! My life will carry on!

Needless to say my bluntness didn't go over too well. I got up and left.

Like I said, one of these days I might repent. Sometimes cold-blooded bluntness is a necessary evil. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

I Finally Stepped Into The Era Of Smartphones!

Hell has finally frozen over! Today I pre-ordered the iphone 6. 

I've been fighting this day forever. This is my first smartphone EVER. Up until recently I've been content with my "dumb phone" because all I ever do is talk and text. However, I now desire the ability to check my email on the go. So, today, I did something I haven't done in a long time: I signed a 2 year contract with Verizon. 

I've been with Verizon since 2004. Other than a one year switch to T-mobile (I wanted a sidekick back in the day) Verizon is the only company I do business with. It makes more sense to sign a contract to get my discounted iphone because I'm not planning to leave Verizon...EVER. 

This new iphone situation works out great for those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook. I will be more proactive updating both social networks. You will get a more in-depth look into my life....and you'll get to see how boring I am. 

Anyway, rest in peace to my cheap phone bill and my Samsung Intensity II. We had some good times...

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What I'm Doing Now...

I'm tired as hell. I didn't sleep well last night and my back is killing me for some reason. But that's neither here nor there...

I am launching an online magazine for black women (not just lesbians but all black women). This idea was in part based on Ed Lewis's book about Essence Magazine. I truly believe I can produce better content for black women than the so-called premier magazine for black women....that is now owned by white people.

I already have a catchy name for my venture, which will be revealed at a later date. 

I have also hired three black women to write and edit my magazine. These women are educated and about their business. Two of them studied journalism. The other struck me as interesting after she revealed that she was the surrogate who carried Robert Dinero's child (remember he married a black woman and they brought a child into this world using a surrogate).

My magazine will be subscription based with subscriptions being $1.99 a month or $9.99 a year. Bowtie Lez was my test pilot for subscription based content. Now that I know it can work I'm moving forward. 

Most of the content will be written by me...in the beginning. The content will be both journalistic and opinion. I plan to write several exposes and true life stories. I always thought it would be cool to write about black women's personal stories battling domestic violence, rape, stalking, single parenthood, corporate America, poverty, etc. Imagine Lifetime from back in the day, but focusing on black women who have survived the bullshit. 

Below is a list of reoccurring topics that will be featured in my magazine...
  • Abandoned black children: Stories of children who've become wards of the state.
  • The Jim Crow Narratives: Stories about blacks who survived Jim Crow.
  • Nickeled & Dimed: Stories about the black poor. 
  • Tired & Fed Up: Stories about black folks who are sick of their jobs. 
  • Crime Narratives: Stories about black women who survived domestic violence and other crimes.
  • Black, Beautiful, & Successful: Stories of black women who made it.  
  • Love & Relationships: Stories of black women in love and struggling with love.
  • Black & Female: Stories of racism and sexism as faced by black women.
  • Missing: Stories of missing black women and children (I plan to write about the missing and the impact it has on their family). 
  • Unsung Heroes: Black women who are making a difference in their community. 
The list above is still growing. In addition to these topics I want to do investigative journalism. For example, in 1934 William Alexander Scott, the black owner and publisher of Atlanta Daily World, was shot dead in front of his home. No one was ever convicted of the crime. I'm convinced he was killed by the klan. I would love to speak with members of his family about the unsolved murder.

I would also love to create a monthly comic strip featuring a black woman. I haven't decided if she will be a superhero or not, but I always wanted to create a dynamic, on-point, black heroine. 

There will also be news, entertainment, celebrity interviews and gossip. However, my content will be original and driven by personal narratives. To my knowledge, there isn't a black site offering the content I have in mind. 

Anyway, let me know what you think!

Monday, September 1, 2014

I'm Thinking About Retiring From Blogging

I'm seriously thinking about retiring from blogging. I planned to write on this blog forever, but now I'm not so sure...

You may not believe this, but I get as much hate mail as I do fan mail. I get it from chicks who find themselves personally offended by the things I've written on my blog. I get it from black men who find themselves offended that a black woman would be a proud lesbian. I get it from chicks who can't get it through their heads that I'm not interested. I get it from whites, who somehow or the other find it unbelievable that a black person would vocalize any hatred towards them. I get it from heterosexuals, and homophobic assholes who can't accept homosexuality. I get it from fat chicks who find themselves offended that I'm not into fat chicks. I get it from studs who find themselves offended that I'm not into studs.

Bottom line: This crap is tiresome. 

I generally don't give a shit what anyone thinks, but I'm at the point now where I just don't have the patience to fight these battles anymore. 

Other than quitting...the only other answer is to make my blog private...invitation only. 

Maybe it's time to get off this train. I've had this blog since 2009, which is longer than I ever expected to keep it up. These days I'm more interested in pursuing my entrepreneurial endeavors. I just don't think I have the energy for this blog anymore. 

When/if I decide to cut the cord I will let you know...
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