Saturday, May 31, 2014

My First Taste of Chocolate

Yesterday night I slept with Chocolate. After months of pursuing her and backing off I finally got the booty. Can you believe it? I certainly can't believe it. Let me just say she actually initiated it...

Last night while working on Sweat I received a text message from Chocolate asking, "What are you doing?" 

I replied, "Writing. I'm getting ready to take a shower and go to bed."

Chocolate replied, "Sounds good. Can I come over and join you?"

I'm thinking she's joking. I reply, "Sure...come on over....Lol." 

Thirty minutes later Chocolate is calling my phone from the front gate of my apartment complex. At this point I'm getting nervous as hell because I'm thinking she might be serious about "joining me." 

Nevertheless I quickly turned on some music that I hope encourages her to join me...

You might think it's corny, but Chocolate immediately got the point. She commented on the song upon walking in the door.

"Nice song," she said while smiling.

There was an awkward moment of silence.

I've been turned down so many times by this woman that I didn't know whether or not to make a move. I accepted the fact that we would just be friends. I noticed she was carrying a small duffle bag. I assumed she brought a change of clothes and other necessities with her.

I looked at her and asked, "So, what's up? What's going on? You must have been bored or something?"

Chocolate: "No, I wasn't bored. I'm just tired of running away from my feelings."

Me: "Ok...and how do you feel?"

Chocolate: "I feel like a woman in love."

I nodded, but I didn't comment.

Chocolate: "Do you still feel the same way about me?"

Me: "Does it matter?"

Chocolate: "Yes, it matters."

Me: "Yes, I still feel the same way."

At that point Chocolate hugged me. I hugged her back.

Chocolate: "You still want to take a shower?"

Me: "Yes."

Before we hopped in the shower I put on a few songs from Destiny Child's The Writings On The Wall album (the only album I ever liked from Beyonce), Tevin Campbell and Babyface...

The sex started in the shower. Chocolate washed my body and made her way downtown. 

When the shower was over we hit the sheets! Without getting too nasty I'll say this is the best sex I've had in a long time. It was just what I needed. 

Chocolate and I spent the night talking about life and each other. She's still not my girlfriend, but I think we're making progress. 

The next morning I cooked her breakfast (French toast, turkey sausage and eggs). 

We spent the remainder of the day talking.


Friday, May 30, 2014

Just Because I'm Curious...

I'm sitting at my computer right now writing chapter three of Sweat. I just finished describing a relationship Tionne has with a woman prior to her life with Suzette. The relationship with the woman was taken from a page in my own life. That relationship was my relationship with the bitch I've never been able to get over.

As I sat back and thought about it I realized much of what I've wrote in Sweat stems from my own life and personality.  Let me show you...
  • Mollica's political views and her politically incorrect attitude belongs to me.
  • Odessa's style of dress is my own. 
  • Olivia's need to overachieve and accomplish great things are my own desires. 
I'm curious to know how many of you picked up the above while reading Sweat? Hit the poll below...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

OMG...This Is Exciting!

For most of today I've been researching everything I can about Maya Angelou. I honestly don't know much about the woman and I'm sorry to say I never took time out to learn much about her...until she died. She was born the same year as my grandmother (1928) and she died the same year as my grandmother (2014) age eighty-six (R.I.P.). I purchased several of her books from Amazon (her books are on back order...apparently I'm not the only person who wants to learn more about her). I went through my collection of books and found a book of poems by Ms. Angelou and the book The Heart of a Woman.

While researching Maya Angelou I ran across I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings the film on Youtube. I remember seeing parts of the movie when I was a little girl. I also read the book when I was a little girl in elementary school. While watching the film on Youtube I noticed the film Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry in the recommended videos in the sidebar. I couldn't believe my eyes. I never even knew there was a film for the book!

For those of you who don't know Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry is probably the most famous series of black children's books ever produced. I read the whole series when I was a kid. I loved it so much that I purchased the series with the hope of passing it to my own children one day...

Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry, and the other books in the series, teach black children about their history in a way that children can understand. It also teaches them about racism and white supremacy. The series so inspires me that I've decided one day I will write a children's book for black children with lesbian parents.

Anyway, check out the film and pick up the series!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Sweat: Chapter Three

Chapter three of Sweat is coming along. It's been a slow process because of the personal issues happening in my life. However, I'm happy to say the chapter is coming along. 

I stayed up most of the night typing the first draft on my word processor. I will rewrite it 3-4 times before I'm completely happy with it. If all goes according to plan, chapter three should hit the market in 2 weeks. 

If you haven't read about the new characters I'm introducing in chapter three go to This Post.

Once I'm done with chapter three I plan to start working on Climaxxx. The cover art for Climaxxx is already in the works. It will be so incredibly stunning that straight women will stop to read it. 

Like, Sweat, the first chapter of Climaxxx will be FREE. You'll be able to download a free copy right here on my blog (sorry...Amazon only allows me to offer my stuff free for a few days).

It's hard for me to write multiple stories at the same time. Therefore, I'll have to alternate between writing Sweat, Climaxxx, and whatever else I'm working on at that moment.

Stay tuned...

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

My New Eyeglasses...

Today I went to the eye doctor for my annual exam. The doctor said my vision is still good. She said my right eye (the one with the astigmatism) has got better. She also said my left eye has got worse. 

This is some bullshit!

I didn't even know your eyesight could get better. I thought once it was fucked up it's pretty much down hill from there with the condition further deteriorating. I didn't know it could get better. 

It also sucks that my left eye now has a problem. 

Sigh...anyway I purchased the eyeglasses you see above. They are made by Burberry. I think I will wear my eyeglasses more often now that I have some nice designer frames that look good on me.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Are You Happy?

My psychiatrist gave me a homework assignment. She asked me if I was happy. I told her no. She asked me why. I paused. She told me she wanted me to think about the question, write down the answers and be prepared to talk about it when I see her again.

Today I sat down and thought about this question. I was unhappy prior to my grandma dying. However, I didn't know the exact root cause of that unhappiness. I still don't know exactly what it is driving my unhappiness. So, I took several educated guesses and came up with this list of things...
  1. Grandma's death.
  2. I have a deep hatred of white people.
  3. Long term true love eludes me.
  4. Lack of functional productive relationships with friends and family.
  5. I constantly worry about money even though I'm not wanting for any or I constantly worry about falling back into poverty.
  6. Several ex-girlfriends who I hate with a burning passion.
  7. Anxiety from not being treated fairly by society (as a BLACK lesbian woman).
  8. Angry about seeking an education only to find out it's complete bullshit if you're black in this country.
  9. It makes me furious that whites are allowed to be prosperous in this country while other races (i.e., people of color) have so very little and have to work twice as hard to get so very little. As a result, part of my unhappiness stems from knowing I have to be twice as good to get half of the shit undeserving whites obtain through the good old boy network, generational leg ups thanks to racism perpetuated by this country's government (ex. redlining) and advantages driven by the historical economic and social oppression of ALL non-whites. This alone is enough to drive me to become the black female Osama Bin Laden.  I swear to god I wish I had the nerve to become a terrorist. I'm seriously thinking of writing a story in which a black woman is driven to terrorism after getting fed the fuck up with white America.
  10. Not knowing what the future holds for me. 
  11. A feeling of emptiness or not being complete.  
  12. Disgusted and frustrated by the fact that Atlanta's black lesbian community has an endless supply of single mothers, ratchets hussies, ghetto skanks, confused chicks, obese studs, flat-chested Lil Wayne looking studs and hoes...bottom line: I think I'm sexually frustrated as well. 
This list is probably incomplete, but it's a start.

I want to know if you are happy. If not, please explain why in the comment section. Hit the poll and comment below.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Coming Soon: Climaxxx

My brain might be temporarily unstable, but it sure as hell hasn't stopped working! Some of my best work has been created during depressions. This time doesn't appear to be any different... 

Last night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep (as usually) I started thinking about creating a black lesbian web series, which is something I've talked about doing before. Today as I mused over the idea I decided to start another serial...that may grow into a web series...depending on the reaction of my audience. 

This new serial will be titled Climaxxx....intentionally spelled with the triple XXX. 

Climaxxx will be different from Sweat in the following ways: 
  1. It will be told completely in the first person narrative from the characters' perspectives. 
  2. It will be tastefully raunchy (hence the name).
So far I only have one character in my head. I don't know much about her yet except that her favorite color is red, which she wears a lot. In my head she is a cross between Vanity....

  And Beverly Johnson...

Her name will be Cartier. 

I've already decided this character will be on the cover art in a long red open trench coat with the collar up. 

Unlike Sweat's cover art, this cover will be very glamorous and blinged out. I'm going to get the guy who did the cover art for my first book to do the job....

He does really good work. The only downside to hiring him is he is expensive as HELL.

Anyway, what do you think? Email me your thoughts or comment below.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I'm Mentally ill

It's official...I'm mentally ill. A psychiatrist has declared me mentally ill. Her exact words were, "You're suffering from severe depression, and from what you have told me you've probably been suffering from it for years."

She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I've self-diagnosed myself on this blog.

The doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant (Bupropion) and some sleeping pills (Trazodone). I have yet to take the anti-depressant and the sleeping pills haven't helped me. 

I haven't had a good night of sleep since grandma died. I already had issues sleeping prior to her death but now I can't sleep at all. I sit in bed all night having conversations with my grandms in my head...because I know exactly what she would say to me if she were alive.

I haven't taken the anti-depressant because I'm afraid to take it. The doctor told me I won't feel the drug for four weeks. According to her, it will give me a burst of energy and I will feel happy. I took that to mean I will feel high. I imagine I can get the same feeling by smoking weed. 

What happens when the anti-depressant wears off? Will I then go through withdrawal or cold turkey? Will the thoughts of suicide return in spades? I've heard stories about people on anti-depressants committing suicide after coming off the drug because they became dependent on it. I'm afraid that will be me. Anti-depressants are probably like crack or any other addictive drug. Once you're off the shit you sit around going crazy because you want that high feeling again.

In addition to this, my doctor gave me an order to have some tests done at a lab. My damn insurance company, Aetna, won't cover the cost of the test because they said I haven't paid my $500.00 deductible. They said I will get a discount because the lab is in my network, but otherwise the entire cost of the tests is on me. The grand total without the in network discount is $711.00. I swear to god I'm going to drop my insurance company and switch to Obamacare at the first opportunity.

I don't feel like paying this shit. Physically, I'm perfectly healthy. There isn't anything wrong with me physically. I have a yearly physical and my blood work always comes back fine. I'm going to lie to the doctor and tell her I can't afford the tests. I don't feel like paying $711 for some test I don't need!

Sigh...this thing called LIFE really sucks sometimes.

My Hair

I made the above video after taking a few pictures of my hair using a HD camera. 

I'm in my 9th week of my lock journey and I'm proud of myself for making it this far. This is my 5th time trying and I think this is the longest I have gone. I got my hair retwisted on Tuesday and I've been trying to determine whether or not it is budding.

For those of you who have locks...can you look at my hair and tell whether or not it is budding?

The lady who does my hair assured me it is budding, but I don't believe her. I'm sure she'll humor me for the sake of getting me to come back to her shop every 3 weeks for a retwist.

Anyway, take a look at the video and tell me what you think.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sweat Flyer....

Y'all pass this flyer around to your friends and family!

Chapter Three coming soon!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Diary of a Black Lesbian Radio Topics....

Below is a list of topics by you and me for Diary of a Black Lesbian Radio....
  1. Exes we hate
  2. These damn bisexuals
  3. Battling depression
  4. Discrimination against black lesbians in the workplace
  5. Hypocrisy in the black church
  6. Homophobia in the black community
  7. Domestic violence amongst black lesbians
  8. Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?
  9. Black lesbians with kids from previous relationships with men
  10. Racism in society
  11. Economic inequality and how it impacts black lesbians
  12. Unrequited love
  13. Religion & homosexuality
  14. Dealing with death
  15. Living in denial about sexual orientation
  16. She want that old thing back...exes who won't move on
  17. Interracial relationships amongst black lesbians
  18. Dreams: Things we wish we could do
  19. Friends who become enemies
  20. Violence and crimes against black lesbians
  21. Friends with benefits
  22. Representation of black lesbians in the media
  23. Sexuality is fluid...yeah bullshit!
  24. Long distance relationships
  25. Confusion about sexual orientation due to sexual abuse
  26. Lack of black lesbian entrepreneurs and businesses
  27. Your childhood: Growing up black and lesbian
  28. you have enough or could you use more?
  29. Sexism and the impact it has on black lesbians. 
Let me know what you think of the list. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Diary of a Black Lesbian Radio Coming Soon!

Diary of a Black Lesbian Radio will debut in June. I haven't set a date yet but June is the month the show will debut on BlogTalkRadio. I'll post more information about the show (time, day, etc) later.

I have picked my co-host. I like her and I think you will too. She's educated and she went to the other black all girls school known as Bennett (remember I went to Spelman). We click. You'll meet her soon. 

The show will be very organized and on-point. We've been putting together a list of topics we want to discuss on the show. So, far we only have two topics...
  1. Exes We Hate
  2. These Damn Bisexuals (note...the goal here is not to bash bisexuals...just discuss our experiences with them).
Because I want this show to be successful (and I want it to spread like fire via word of mouth) I'm open to any topics you suggest. I want you to be equally involved in the production of the show. You can suggest topics and you can actively call into the show and participate in the conversation. 

Anyway, if you have any suggestions for the show, or any topics you want to discuss, you can submit them anonymously using this LINK or you can leave them in the comment section of this post.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Thinking of Ways To Promote Sweat

I want to promote Sweat.

I want Sweat to be so popular that 100,000 people are reading and purchasing each chapter. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy with the success of Sweat so far. However, I want more. I want every black lesbian in this country reading and anticipating the next chapter of Sweat. I want Sweat to be so popular that it leads to something more for the serial.

I want to be the most recognizable black lesbian author in the world. I'm going to do what I have to do to get to that point. I'm going to step my game up and stop being so slow writing the chapters. Life threw me a curve ball with my grandma's death, but slowly but surely I'm returning to my old self.

In addition to putting out Sweat, I'm currently working on a full length novel titled Sperm. I hope to have it out some time in the near future. In the meantime, I've come up with some ways to promote Sweat.

  1. I'm going to give Sweat its own website....complete with illustrated character profiles.
  2. I have this idea in my head for a 30 second animated cartoon that will play as the website is loading. In my head the characters are engaged in a "touchy" and sexy basketball game while wearing some bootylicious basketball uniforms. This 30 second video will serve as an introduction to the characters. In the background, Kurtis Blow's Basketball will be playing....


The website I have in my head will be so well put together that even my haters will stop and admire it. I'm hoping the traffic from the website will be enough to generate more fans and sells of Sweat.

Anyway, what do you think? I want your opinion. Hit the comment section or email me. 

Saturday, May 17, 2014

This Is Depressing...

I've been looking for a cool urban cafe (preferably one with a large BLACK lesbian following) where I can chill and work on Sweat. I can't find it here in Atlanta. The places I have found are small boring  establishments owned by white hipsters. They tend to cater to white people in every regard. Periodically, these businesses have a spoken word night and a black crowd shows up. 

I'm looking for a lounge where I can just chill, mingle, and relax with other black lesbians. I'm convinced this place doesn't exist in Atlanta, and if it does I haven't seen it. 

I'm looking for a joint like the one off of Love Jones where the cool Bohemian black people hang out and recite poetry as slow sultry jazz/blues plays in the background...

I'm looking for a joint that serves coffee but can also offer me some soul food....I mean some catfish, cornbread, collard greens, chicken, sweet potatoe pie etc....

In addition to a live jazz/blues band....I'm looking for a place that plays old school R&B/Soul/Funk...and not pop, rock or the watered down shit we have today....

The place I just described doesn't exist. 

Maybe someone is trying to tell me I should be the person to establish it. The question then becomes where will I get the money to start such a business? I have to purchase a building (or rent it), renovate the building, hire a manager, hire staff etc. I can't imagine something like this would be cheap. Perhaps I can raise the money through donations, but would black lesbians get behind the idea? Would they donate?

I want your opinion on this topic. Would you donate to help establish a business like the one I described catering to black lesbians (and I guess all people interested in this type of setting)? Hit the poll below...

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Sweat Chapter Three

I am working on chapter three of Sweat. Like my previous chapters, this chapter will run long. It will be very detailed and I'm introducing four new characters...

Tionne Patterson: Olivia's best-friend and owner of the popular lesbian night club and lounge, The Rainbow Room.Tionne is a stud with a troubling past.

Dr. Suzette Lawrence: Tionne's girlfriend of three years. The two of them share an upscale Buckhead (upper crust community in Atlanta) townhouse. Suzette is the good girl I wish I could find and wife up. She's also a medical doctor.

Jalisa Ross: Odessa's best-friend. Jalisa is a successful celebrity hairstylist and makeup artist. She is the owner of the upscale hair salon, Beauty By Nature. Jalisa is the sexy ass hood chick with the pretty face, slim waste and phat booty that I wish I could fuck. When I think about her, I picture a Lauren London looking chick who can dress her ass off and suck a clit like she was born to do it. Jalisa is the mother of a four year old son (Kyle) who she had with her ex-partner, Alize Stewart. 

Alize Stewart: Jalisa's ex who wants to be her next. Alize is a private investigator with her own P.I. business. She's also a habitual cheater, who wants what she wants after it's already gone.

I hope chapter three is as successful as the previous chapters....I'm excited.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I Can Do It Better

Today I watched the movie Straight Out of Brooklyn for the first time on television. The film was whack but I heard about it years ago when reading Spike Lee's biography (apparently he was beefing with the film's creator at some point). The film was written and produced in the early 1990s by a black teenager who raised $450,000 to produce it. The film is a typical hood flick about a poverty stricken misguided black boy and his family (think Boyz In The Hood meets Good Times).

I sat down and watched the film while thinking to myself, "This shit sucks...I can write and produce a better film than this crap."

Next thought...

What's stopping you?

If a teenage kid can raise $450,000 I should be able to raise what I need to make a film.

After my grandmother died I sat at my laptop staring a script I started writing in 2009. The story is about a black single mother who ends up switching bodies with her white privileged bachelor boss. The script is a comedy but it explores racism, sexism and classism. I never finished the script. I'm thinking about picking up where I left off.

Monday, May 12, 2014

A Deep Sense of Sadness

This morning I drove back to Atlanta. 

All day I've been feeling an incredible sense of sadness. It's almost like a black cloud is hanging over me. No doubt I'm feeling this way because grandma is no longer with us. She was the closest person to me.

I imagine this sense of sadness must follow everyone who has loss a parent or grandparent. 

Death is a hard thing to accept. It's a hard thing to understand. 

Grandma used to tell me, "We all gotta leave this world one day..."

I wish there was a way to prepare people for the death of those who leave.

I'm trying my best to go back to living my life, but it's hard. I can't sleep. My appetite is gone. I can't even focus. My mind keeps replaying memories of my grandma and her funeral. I feel like I'm in a daze.

I would like to sit down and work on the next chapter of Sweat, but again, I can't focus.

It's going to take some time before life seems normal again.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Finding Peace & Solace

I think I'm going to be alright...

Grandma's funeral was today.

I rode to grandma's funeral in a limo with five cousins, my aunt and my uncle. My aunt arranged the seating because of what happened between me and my brother yesterday. He was in a separate limo with my dad, three aunts, and an uncle. The two limos were followed by the rest of my cousins, uncles, aunts etc. I think there was probably 80 or so cars behind us. Those of us who were in my limo (with the exception of my aunt/uncle) were picked to be in that car because we lived with grandma and spent the most time with her. 

As soon as the limo started moving the tears started flowing. Everyone in my limo cried. We were escorted by a police officer. However, once we crossed into another county the sheriff of that county became our escort.

Our family church is in the backwoods....about two miles from grandma's house. When the limo passed grandma's house I watched as everyone in the limo turned to look at the house. 

We arrived at the church. The mortician told us to get in twos. I stood next to one of my aunts and she held my hand as we walked into the church. At this point I was weeping. As we made our way into the church a crowd of people awaited us in the lobby. There was also a lot of people inside the church. 

The mortician led us into the church and straight up to grandma's open casket. I began sobbing much so that the mortician came up to me and took my hand, which was shaking. My aunt rubbed the right side of my back. As I stepped up to view grandma's body someone came up and began rubbing the left side of my back. I looked over my shoulder to see who it was and it was my mama. 

She said, "It's okay..." 

I was happy to see her. 

She later told me that she saw me sobbing and she said to herself, "Let me go get my child." 

Maybe it was grandma talking to her....I don't know. 

I was also holding up the line of people behind me waiting to view grandma's body.

Mama walked me to the front row of the church where some of my family sat. I continued to cry. 

The funeral carried on as planned. When it came time for people to stand up and say some remarks I walked to the podium and I spoke about the following....

When I was a little girl suffering from asthma grandma used to stay up all night taking care of me. She would rub Vick's vapor rub on my crest and call my mom/dad to take me to the doctor the next day. One day she stayed up all night patting and rubbing my back to help ease my pain. 

I talked about grandma sending me money when I was in college. I was often broke without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.  

After graduating from college, I was depressed as hell because I couldn't find a job. I moved in with my grandma and she assured me that things would get better and I would find work. She was right. I was offered a city job, but I didn't hear anything from the job until a month later. 

My soon to be supervisor called grandma's house and spoke to grandma. He asked her if I was still interested in the job and grandma said, "I rang so....she ain't got one!" 

Everyone burst into laughter after I told that story.

When one of my uncles stood up to speak he made a comment about grandma also offering people who visited her house food. You never left grandma's house hungry. I piggybacked on that comment and talked about grandma making sure the animals around her house were well feed too. Grandma feed the cats that made their way onto her porch. Any table scraps from our dinner went to the cats. 

Well at some point word must have got out that grandma's house was the Golden Corral for all you can eat buffet...because the next thing I know cats start coming from every direction. I'm not lying! They  were coming from the woods behind her house. They were coming from the yards of other houses. They were coming down the hill. They were different sizes and colors and they were all descending on grandma's backyard!

I remember looking out the bathroom window and watching a cat whose two back legs were broke. Someone had wrapped up his two back legs in what looked like a cast. He was using his forelegs to make his way across the back yard to the food. That damn cat was getting it too. That little motherfucker was sliding his ass across that grass to the food.

Everyone laughed at that story as well. 

I was the only grandchild that got up to speak. So, I ended up speaking for all of us (14 grandchildren and 20 great grandchildren). I think I did everyone proud. 

Anyway, grandma's funeral helped me find some internal peace because I feel so much better. I suppose just talking about grandma with a room full of people who loved her helps a great deal. 

This doesn't mean I'm out of my depression. I'll probably continue to break down crying whenever I think about grandma, but my life will carry on. This chapter has ended, but hopefully the next is just beginning.

Tuesday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. 

I will return home at some point next week and put some flowers on grandma's grave. 

At some point in the near future I'm leaving for Rwanda....I need to get away. 

For grandma and my mama...

R.I.P Grandma...and Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who emailed me. Your emails helped. Even though I haven't responded, I read each and every one of them.

Friday, May 9, 2014

A Well Deserved Ass Whopping

Today I went to grandma's house to pick up my baby pictures, prom pictures, great grandmother's bible etc. I wanted to get these things before someone else did. While there I picked up a photo album full of pictures of grandma's children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, sisters and brothers. This photo album has pictures of grandma in it when she was a young woman about my age. There is a picture in it of her with a boyfriend who was a sailor in the navy.  I decided to take it too. 

Great grandma's (grandma's mother) bible is coming apart, but grandma kept napkins from her children's weddings in the bible. She kept obituaries in the bible. She kept newspaper clipping in the bible. This bible is a goldmine of information about our family. So, I'm happy I was able to get my hands on it.

As the family historian and genealogist, I think it's only right that I should have these things. 

Anyway, I arrive at my mother's house with these items and my brother immediately snatches the photo album from me. I didn't protest or say anything to him. I just gave him a dirty look. This asshole began taking pictures out of the album with the intention of scanning them into the computer. He took a picture of grandma from the album and said he was going to put it on Facebook. I told him NOT to do that shit because I don't think it's right. 

Grandma would not have wanted her pictures on the internet. Facebook is no longer just a social network. It is also a search engine. The thought of my grandmother's picture showing up in Google search made me snap. 

I began demanding that this nigga NOT put grandma's picture on Facebook. He pretty much said, "Fuck you." At that point we began going back and forth. Our exchange got heated and he put his hands on me. 

He is over 6 feet tall....I'm 5'4 and small in size. He had my ass hemmed up against the wall in the living room. I couldn't move my arms, but I kicked his ass HARD in the balls. Soon as he bent over in pain I picked up a heavy glass vase from a nearby table and smashed it across his head. And that vase cracked his head open. 

At that point, my mom came running into the room to see what the hell was going on. What she found is my brother crying on the floor with blood gushing from his head. Right now he is sitting his ass in the local emergency room getting stitches. 

Do I feel bad? Hell no! That shit felt good as hell. I never could stand the bastard. I sometimes question whether or not he is my biological brother.

He fucked with the wrong somebody. I told him if ever puts his hands on me again I'll kill him. 

Tomorrow, he can sit his dumbass in church, at grandma's funeral, with a line of stitches going down his head.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I Can't Cope

I'm depressed and I've been thinking about killing myself. 

Life was already hard before grandma died, but now it's almost unbearable. She meant more to me than anyone in my life. She was the only real parent I've ever had. She raised me. She taught me so much. And now she's gone. 

Yesterday, when I got the news I was sitting in my apartment in Atlanta. I left my hometown the day before (Monday) with the intention of going back on Thursday or Friday. Tuesday evening my dad called to tell me she died. 

I cried and cried and cried.

Then I started having thoughts about killing myself. 

I didn't bother to go to sleep last night. I jumped in my truck and drove around the city until I ended at the Chattahoochee river. I parked my truck on the bridge, got out of my truck and looked over the edge of the bridge. 

I thought about jumping. 

I didn't jump last night, but that doesn't mean I won't jump in the near future. Now that I'm in my hometown I think about jumping from another bridge overlooking a river. I can't I'll probably drown if the impact doesn't kill me.

Grandma's funeral is Saturday....the day before mother's day. 

I don't think I'm going to make it.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


My grandma just took her last breath...

I'm weeping as I write this post. 

February 12, 1928 - May 6, 2014

R.I.P. Grandma. 

Gawdammit I Think I Got It...

For weeks now I've been picking my brain for a story idea that I can turn into a screenplay and produce into a film. Well, I think I finally have something. It's been staring me in the face this whole time. 

I am going to write a coming to age story about a 12/13 year old black lesbian. The story is going to be loosely based on my life and experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family in the rural south. It's going to be narrated by the protagonist (the 12/13 year old girl). In my head it's going to be a combination of Crooklyn, A Christmas Story, Eve's Bayou and Soul Food.

To my knowledge there has NEVER been a coming of age story that was narrated by a young black lesbian. The only thing that even comes close is Pariah, but even that movie fell short in my opinion. It wasn't narrator, the main character wasn't likeable (or attractive) and the plot was...well...not that great. I couldn't relate to the character...even though she was a black lesbian.

I can only think of 2 films that are told from the perspective of a young black girl: Crooklyn and Eve's Bayou. So, I'm about to create something the world has never seen.

What inspired this idea? I spent most of my day yesterday listening to family members laugh and joke about good times as we sat around grandmother's bed. 

My mom told a story about my dad... 

My dad was over my mom's house visiting when my grandmother (his mother...the one that's dying) called and asked him to go check on my oldest aunt (his sister). She was in an abusive marriage. My mom was pregnant with me at the time. My dad told my mom to stay in the car as he ran into my aunt's apartment to see what the hell was happening. A few minutes later my dad is chasing my aunt's husband out the door! My dad is swinging a chain over his head (helicopter style) behind the nigga and shouting "Don't you ever put your hands on my sister again!" My aunt's husband is running out the apartment half dressed with one shoe on his foot.

When I heard this story I just about died! 

At the time, my dad had a long juicy Jheri curl and he dressed like Rick James (believe it or not he still does...SMH)...

The thought of this man swinging a chain is too damn funny!

I started thinking about my family as characters. The more I think about it, the more I realize my experience growing up in rural Georgia as a black lesbian is unique and worth telling. I'm going to sit down and start writing tomorrow. Maybe if I get a good script I can raise the 250k I need to make a decent film.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I'm Afraid...

I'm afraid of getting old.

My grandmother is slowly slipping away. In the three days I've been by her side she hasn't once opened her eyes or her mouth. She doesn't even know I'm in her room. The staff at hospice told me she will likely just stop breathing in her sleep.

This whole thing has me thinking about life. We go from babies to adolescents to teenagers to adults to senior citizens, which is almost like being a child again. 

Getting old really sucks when you think about it. 

Unless you're lucky, chances are you'll have problems with your health as you age. Your bones will become weak and fragile. Your mind might go to shit. You'll have problems remembering things that you did a few hours ago. You'll find it hard to get around and wash your own ass.You're basically in the same helpless position you were in back when you were an infant. The only difference is mom and dad aren't there to help you. If you're lucky, you might have kids who actually give a damn about you in your old age.

When I really think about it I can honestly say I'm afraid of getting old.

Physically getting old scares me, but being an infant again without any hope of having children to take care of me scares me more. I look at my grandmother who is surrounded by family every day and I think to myself, "Jesus Christ....who is going to take care of me when I get old?"

The fear of growing old alone and childless scares me more than actually getting old. I would hate to be old and at the mercy of strangers in a nursing home.

The older I get the more I think about having children and a wife. I don't want to grow old alone. I want this...


The way many of us live is not right... 

I don't think we're meant to jump from bed to bed. I don't think we're meant to have kids out of wedlock by several different people. We're living in the moment and not thinking about the future or how our actions today affect our future. 

Just think how assed out this 20-30 something year old generation is going to be when they are old. They're not marrying like their parents generation and they are having kids by any and everybody. That shit is going to come back on them when they are old. Those who swore off marriage way back when are going to live to regret it when they are 40-50 something years old and find themselves alone.

I don't want to be one of those people.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

A Black Lesbian Love Story....I Want To Try Again...

Sweat has inspired me to write a full novel about black lesbians. I want revisit the concept of a black lesbian love story. I said I couldn't write a lesbian love story because I wasn't motivated and interested. Well, I think that has changed. I'm not only interested, but I think I already have a plot.

I want to write a coming of age story about two black girls growing up in Detroit during the 1950s. Both girls come from prominent black families and they are apart of the "upper crust" of black society in Detroit. They meet and become friends. In the process of becoming friends they discover a mutual love for Rhythm & Blues (R&B). They recruit another girl and start a girl group. 

Slowly, but surely, their friendship becomes something more. Around this time, they are discovered by a record executive and their star begins to rise. Fame, money, success, and power leads to several ups and downs for the lovers. Their story will expand several decades. That's where I am so far. 

The title of this novel will be Rhythm & Blues

What do you think? Anything suggestions? I'm open to all suggestions...

If you're interested in leaving an anonymous suggestion click this LINK

Mollica's Style...

I ran across the above image this morning and it gave me pause. Why? Because in my head this is the type of elegance and old fashioned glamour displayed by Mollica (one of my character's from Sweat). Here is another picture...

Friday, May 2, 2014

I don't Know Her But I Want Her....

I don't know the woman above, but I instantly fell in love with her. 

I ran across her image while browsing Google images. I was looking for pictures using the search term "dreadlock budding." I'm 6 weeks into locking my hair and I wanted to see pictures of the process so I will know what to expect. That's when I ran across this beautiful woman. 

Physically, she is everything I want and desire in a woman. She is naturally beautiful. She rocks natural hair. She appears to be physically fit. She has a gorgeous smile and face. Needless to say, I want her or someone just like her. 

I would do anything to find a woman who looks like her, who is educated, comfortable in her sexuality as a lesbian and childless. I guess I'll keep dreaming...

Getting My Shit Together....

This morning I drove home because my dad called me yesterday to tell me my grandmother has been given 3-7 days to live. I came home to say good-bye, but grandma is unresponsive. I'm sad as hell right now, but I've accepted the inevitable. 

Upon arriving at hospice my mom, dad, aunts and cousins all looked at me and said "Your hips are spreading." 

I blushed because they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. 

I've gained some weight and it makes me sick! My eating habits haven't changed. The thing driving the weight gain is the birth control I have been taking for the last 7 months. I started taking birth control to help control my period. My period is very heavy. Birth control helps, but it has side effects....weight gain being one of those side effects. 

I'm not about to sit around and watch my body go to shit. I'm going to stop taking the birth control and I'm going to get my ass in the gym. I just joined the gym that's 3 miles up the street from my apt. I plan to wake up at 7 am everyday, walk the 3 miles to the gym, do some weight training, and walk the 3 miles back to my apartment. Unless it rains, this will be my daily routine. 

I also plan to restart my "sugar free year" because my year hasn't exactly been sugar free. However, beginning Sunday May 4, 2014 it will be completely sugar free. Nothing but baked meats, salads, and water for now on.

I will chronicle my quest to look my best on this blog. 
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