Tuesday, December 30, 2014

So I Have A Girlfriend Now...

I have a girlfriend now.

I don't feel like giving much detail about her.

We made love yesterday and she became mine.

I'll let you guess who she is and next year (2015) I'll  give you all the juicy details!

Happy New Year!

Friday, December 26, 2014

Fits My Mood Right About Now...

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Help Me Out...Take This Survey...

I am thinking about creating a company that puts together extreme fitness challenges for women. I got this idea after talking to some friends who are struggling to loose weight.

The basic idea is to offer events that test your endurance, promotes fitness, and are fun/entertaining. I suppose these events will only appeal to people who are in moderately good shape. However, I'm still spinning the idea in my head.

Anyway, I want your opinion. I have put together a short survey asking your two cents about this concept. The survey is completely anonymous. Therefore, you can be honest. Take a few minutes out of your day to take it. I really appreciate it.

If you're interested in taking the survey go HERE.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I Have Fallen For A Married Woman

I swear 2014 will go down as the year of contradictions for me...

This year I fell for a white woman.

This year I had a series of dreams about fucking a man.

And now, I'm in love with a married woman.

*Face palm*

I met her through a mutual friend. She moved to Atlanta in August because her job transferred her. I met her in September. When we first met I didn't think much of her. I thought she was incredibly cute, but I didn't give her much thought because she told me she was married with no kids.

Physically, she is light-skinned, a little chubby, with a nice set of dimples. If you know anything about me, you should know I don't do chubby. So, the fact that I'm even attracted to her physically is something new as well. 

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog I will call her dimples. Dimples is 35 years old. She's been with her husband since she was 19 years old. Apparently the two of them want children, but it hasn't happened for them. She is a hardworking career woman. Her husband is a bum ass nigga (seriously, dude is a full-time housewife).

Last Friday I took Dimples to Lenox Mall. Since arriving in Atlanta she hasn't done any sight seeing...nor has she ventured out. So, I took her to Lenox Mall to shop and get some Garrett's popcorn, which is the current talk of the town. I had a nice time. I think she did too. 

In the course of our trip to the mall we discussed aspects of our lives. I informed her that I'm really into ancient African history and genealogy. I educated her on my family history and DNA. She said it was something she found interesting. 

She informed me of her birthday which is later this month. I thought to myself, "I'm going to buy her a DNA test for her birthday..." for genealogical purposes. 

I bought the test and gave it to her yesterday. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said she was excited about it. Later that day I received a text message from her saying the DNA test was too much. I replied, "Don't worry about it. I want you to have it. You'll thank me once you get your results. It is an enlightening experience." A few minutes later I received a call from her...

She told me she felt some kind of way about me giving her the DNA test. I asked why? She didn't respond directly but she did ask me if I was having thoughts about her? This showed me exactly why she was so bothered by the gift. To her it was like me giving her roses or something that would indicate my romantic interest in her.

There was an awkward moment of silence. 

Yes, I was having thoughts about her, but me gifting her the DNA test had nothing to do with that. So, I denied it. 

Me (playing dumb): What kind of thoughts?

Her: Romantic thoughts.

Me: No, I'm not having those kinds of thoughts. 

Again, it was a lie. I was having those thoughts, but I didn't plan to act on them. I don't have it in me to go after a married woman...not to mention someone who is clearly not a lesbian. 

Sigh, but even still I can't get her out of my mind. I think about her all the time...and I want her.  

Monday, December 8, 2014

Buddhism & My Quest For Internal Peace

My New Year's resolution is to find some internal peace. Anyone following this blog should know I am a tortured soul. I suffer from depression. I suffer from self-doubt. I suffer from anxiety. I suffer period. 

Well, I'm tired of suffering. 

I recently began studying Buddhism. I first became interested in the religion in college. It is the only religion that has ever appealed to me. I suppose that is because Buddhist don't worship a God. Instead, Buddhist live their lives by a set of principles. This appeals to me more than Christianity ever did.

My hope is to be a better person and find happiness.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

My Desire To Date Outside Of My Ethnic Group

My God this woman is beautiful!

I want to meet some black women who are NOT African American or American born for that matter... 

I would like to meet and date some black women who came to the USA for college, work, etc, but were NOT born and raised here. 

I specifically want to meet non-American born  black women because I have yet to run across one that was born here (America) who did not assimilate into my community (i.e., African American/black community) culture wise. On one hand I understand why this happens. I imagine non-American blacks find themselves just as socially isolated as African Americans due to their race and therefore they have little choice but to assimilate into the African American community (especially in the south). On the other hand, I wish it didn't happen because I like the idea of meeting and getting to know black people who don't share my culture.

I guess what I'm looking for is a black woman from a different ethnic group, who does not share my culture.


Two reasons that should be obvious at this point:
  1. Overall, today's African American culture disgust me. It is a cesspool. I often find it hard to relate to black women in my age group. I often scratch my head and wonder who in the hell raised some of these chicks?
  2. I'm genuinely interested in black women from other parts of the world (i.e., the African Diaspora). You intrigue me. I think you are beautiful. 
I've only dated one black woman who wasn't African American. She was from the Virgin Islands and she was batshit crazy. She is the only black woman I've ever dated who I can honestly say I HATE with a burning passion.

I wonder if any black women from the west indies read my blog? How about non-black Americans living in the U.S.? I know a few black women from several African nations read my blog because they have emailed me.  

If you fit into any of the above categories I would love to hear more about you. 

When did you come to the U.S.? Why did you come to the US? Do you still have ties to your homeland?  When did you know you were gay? Is it hard for you to find a partner if you live in the US? How do you feel about African American women and the African American community? 

Bonus questions: How do you feel about white people? Do you find that your feelings about white people are different from those of the average African American? If so, why do you think there is a difference (after all, we share a similar history when it comes to colonization, white supremacy, racism etc)?

Comment below or email me: lezintellect@gmail.com

Friday, December 5, 2014


This is going to be a rant, but I will try to make it short. 

There is a reason I don't have many friends. Generally speaking I don't trust people. Too many fake ass people out here who will smile in your face one minute and try to clown the hell out of you behind your back the next minute. Some people call them backstabbers....I call them haters. 

Today I had to cut some people loose. I heard they were talking about me behind my back. The funny thing about haters is they seem oblivious to the reality that whatever is said about someone almost always comes back to that person. 

I'm not mad, angry, or disappointed. I kicked these motherfuckers out my circle and I'm keeping it moving. 

I don't forgive people like this ever. Once you cross me any type of friendship or association we had is OVER. DONE. THE END.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

White Gays & White Supremacy

This topic has been on my mind quite a bit...

If you watch television like me you probably noticed a disproportionate representation of gay white men. I don't care what channel or show, if there is a same sex couple on that show chances are it is a white gay couple and their interactions with each other are usually realistic, emotional, and sexually explicit (something I don't believe is shown in the few lesbian couples I see on television. In fact, lesbian couples appear asexual to me and it's hard to believe they are in a relationship with each other).

Obviously when producers think about gay representation and homosexual viewership they think of ONE group: Gay white men.

We rarely see lesbian couples of any race on television. The racial hierarchy of same sex representation on television looks like this (in order)...
  • White gay man + White gay man (Anglo-saxons)
  • White gay man (Anglo-saxon) + White Latino
  • White gay man + Non-white gay man (usually Asian...rarely/never black man)
  • White gay latino + Black gay man (rare match...includes black latinos)
  • White gay latino + Asian gay man (rare match)
  • Black gay man + black gay man (only seen on shows produced by blacks...includes black latinos)
  • Asian gay man + Black man (I've never seen it)
  • Asian gay man + Asian gay man (I've never seen it)

If producers decide to show lesbians at all (instead of gay white men) the racial hierarchy usually looks like this... 

  • White lesbian + White lesbian (Anglo-saxons)
  • White lesbian + White Latino
  • White lesbian + Non-white lesbian (usually Asian)
  • White latino lesbian + Asian lesbian
  • White lesbian + Black lesbian
  • White latino lesbian + Black lesbian (includes black latinos)
  • Asian lesbian + Black lesbian (includes black latinos....rare)
  • Black lesbian + Black lesbian (I've never seen it...includes black latinos)
  • Asian lesbian + Asian lesbian (I've never seen it)

We NEVER EVER see Asian gays with other Asian gays.

We NEVER EVER see Black lesbians with other Black lesbians (outside of some low-budget stereotypical web series...a whole different conversation...I'm talking about mainstream representation in this blog). 

These two groups, if represented at all, are almost always paired with someone white.  

Non-white lesbians and gays are never paired with members of their race (again unless said show is produced by members of that race). They are almost always paired with someone white.

Gay white men are almost always the goto same sex coupling represented in the media...even more so than white lesbian + white lesbian. In fact, they might as well rename LOGO white gay male television because that channel is almost entirely centered around gay white men.

I believe this is intentional. You would have be deaf and blind not to know the gay rights movement in this country is largely centered around gay WHITE MEN. If they weren't the face of this movement I don't honestly think the gay marriage debate would be where it is today. And this is due to the place white men (whether gay or straight) hold in western society (keep in mind several prominent white men are gay). 

Gay marriage is becoming the law of the land because gay WHITE MEN want to get married. It is not that way because gay white women want to get married. It is not that way because black gays and lesbians want to get married. It is that way because the wicked motherfuckers (white men) who have positioned themselves socially and economically above every other group using patriarchy and white supremacy want to get married (again...keep in mind white gay men are still white men).

If it was a situation where just black gays and lesbians wanted to get married the shit would have been vetoed a long time ago. 

I honestly don't even believe white lesbians have the power to get gay marriage laws passed without white men wanting those rights for themselves.

This is why it's all the more annoying and ridiculous to hear gay white men try to compare their plight to black people....get the fuck out of here! 

I said it before and I'll say it again, the ONLY people who can compare and contrast being black/racial injustice to being gay/fight for gay rights are BLACK GAYS and BLACK LESBIANS.

I will be honest. I can't watch gay men (regardless of race) on television. When they pop up on my favorite television shows I turn the channel. I would far rather watch two women (regardless of race) than two gay men. Blame social conditioning and patriarchy for my internalized homophobia.

Anyway, these are my thoughts for today.

Monday, December 1, 2014

I'm Feeling Restless

At the moment I'm feeling quite restless. This happens to me ever so often when I don't feel like I'm being productive. I feel like I'm missing something in my life. I don't feel full-filled at all. 

I'm not talking about a woman (though a nice well-rounded black woman would be nice). I'm talking about something missing in my professional life. I don't work. I refuse to get a job. Technically, I guess I'm not a struggling artist because I do make good income from my royalties. 

I guess my unhappiness stems from the fact that I'm not writing the type of work that makes me happy. I'm not writing the type of work that will get me the recognition I feel I deserve.

I have thought about writing my memoir, but then I quickly pushed the idea aside. Why? Because I'm only 29 and I don't think I've lived an interesting life. Basically, my memoir would be boring as hell. 

Next, I thought about writing a creative non-fiction story about my family history/genealogy. But then I dismissed that idea as well because I don't feel I have enough information to turn my family history into Roots.

Next, I thought about writing a story about a complex black woman going through a range of emotions that eventually leads her to radial feminism and black supremacy. Of course this story is loosely based on me, but I always wanted to channel my rage into a story that outlines the plight of a black woman. We never get to see a real emotional account of what it's like to be both black and female. 

Sigh...I just don't know where to start.

Friday, November 28, 2014

I Am Going To Africa

I just paid several thousands of dollars for a 20 day trip to Africa. I plan to take the trip in July 2015. It is my 30th birthday present to myself. Here is a list of countries I am visiting....
  1. South Africa (specifically Cape Town)
  2. Bostwana
  3. Zimbabwe
  4. Rwanda
  5. Ethiopia
  6. Egypt
  7. Namibia
  8. Tanzania
  9. Mozambique 
  10. Kenya
In  addition to these countries, I will be going on an African safari in South Africa and Rwanda. I will also be visiting Victoria Falls. 

This is probably the most expensive trip I will ever take. However, I think it is well worth the money. My trip will be guided by an English speaking tour guide. I will be staying in the finest hotels and I'm flying first class.

The only regrettable thing about this trip is I won't be visiting any of the west African countries that run through my veins. Why? Because of the situation with Ebola. It is not clear if the problem will be handled by July 2015. 

I know there are several people from various African nations that read my blog. I would love to have a REAL conversation with you. Perhaps we can chat over Skype. If you are interested please email me lezintellect@gmail.com.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Not My Problem...

One of my Facebook followers asked me for my two cents on the Mike Brown/Darren Wilson situation. I have already given my two cents on this situation. I don't feel like going into a long rant about it again. If you are interested in reading my two cents I suggest you visit my archives. 

I did read a comment recently that summarizes my position on ALL issues involving black men. Check it out...
Many black men have truly demonstrated the Zora Neale Hurston quote "All my skinfolk ain't my kinfolk." Misogynoir is the specific racialized sexism that is ONLY targeted at black women, specifically. Anti-black racism + misogyny = misogynoir. ANYONE in society is capable of engaging in misogynoir against black women. Black men OFTEN demonize, emotionally/physically/mentally abuse, malign, and socially exclude black women and they OFTEN do this in COLLUSION with: A) white women in PARTICULAR B) white men C) mainstream white culture/ white people of all sexes D) other non-black people of color.
Many black men refuse to engage in critical thinking and believe that it's NATURAL to engage in colorism and hold black women to Eurocentric phenotypical beauty standards. This is why so many black women are now in a place where we are fed the fuck up and won't automatically assume you're down for us, the same way we have been down for you. A lot of black women, including myself, ARE now apathetic about the lives and issues of black men in general and we JUST want to concentrate on black women's issues specifically. Let your white/Asian/Hispanic friends and girlfriends organize, participate in your protests, and write sympathetic and humanizing stories about your deaths. Let your mama--the ONLY black woman many of you seem to at least TOLERATE the existence of-- protest for you. Because I WON'T. Not ONLY will I NOT be fretting over the lives and safety of black men, I won't be doing ANY of marching /protesting/organizing shit for them until black men get the fuck off our backs and stop blaming black women for shit that is CLEARLY the result of white supremacy and racism.
Basically, the gist is this: I ALREADY have a father and I am TIRED of these black male RANDOMS coming out of nowhere to lecture grown black women about shxt. This goes double for their worthless opinions were CLEARLY not asked for or solicited. Even worse, their opinions are usually ignorant as hell, because they're so fucking uneducated. So I'm gonna need for random azz, paternalistic black men of ALL ages to back hell up and STOP TELLING black women what to fucking do. They need to stop worrying about whether we are wearing a weave, red lipstick, or belly shirts or whatever the fuck it is that they will have a problem with tomorrow and worry about keeping themselves out of fucking JAIL. Period. They need to worry about getting JOBS and staying in THEIR LANE, so THEY can actually VOTE with every other demographic in this country. Black men need to mind their own RATCHET business because they CLEARLY have a lot to take care of.
This is NOT just a individual character issue, there is a problem WITHIN the black community, where many black men EXPECT unequivocal support and complete loyalty from black women without a similar commitment on the part of black men to black women...and not only THAT, they expect to be able to dominate us and speak TO US and ABOUT US in ABUSIVE, HATEFUL, and MISOGYNISTIC ways and not have us clap back and respond in kind to their asses. NOPE. I was NOT put on this planet to be the footstool of any RANDOM black male online OR offline. I'm NOT their wife, girlfriend, OR their mother and I TRULY don't give a fuck. I don't HAVE TO. If they truly don't give a fuck whether I live or die, why in the hell would I be marching or protesting or really caring about THEIR lives?
A-Fucking-Men! I ride with this woman!

Bottom line... 

Until I see a radical shift in culture, mindset, values, morals and beliefs amongst black men I don't give a fuck what happens to them.

Until I see the rampant sexism, internalized racism, anti-black woman ideology addressed in the black community I don't give a fuck what happens to black men.

Their problems are just that....their problems. 

They better get smart and educated because the white man is aiming aggressively at their heads and getting away with it....again, not my problem.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

I Believe The Black Woman Is God

I honestly believe the black woman is God...

In my short time from blogging I have been working on Sweat and I have been learning everything I can about ancient African history. When I tell you I have been eating and breathing African history I really do mean it. What I have read has had such a profound impact on me that I dumped Sapphire.

I have come to see that I cannot possibly love a white woman (or anyone white) given the history of my people. The short time we were dating was obviously a ploy from the devil to corrupt me and make me love white supremacy. It failed. The serpent almost had me and I'm convinced this is why I was sitting around dreaming about snakes. 

I know some of you were hoping I would give up my "hatred" (read: normal reaction of any rational minded person of color) of whites with Sapphire entering my life. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint. I'm capable of regarding whites with common courtesy and respect. However, that's where the buck stops.

I STILL see them collectively as the enemy of black people and people of color. History has shown me that any time we have "turned the other cheek" and loved our enemy we have been backstabbed and hemmed the fuck up.

Sapphire didn't do anything wrong. I truly wish her the best. I hurt her bad. So I don't even think we can ever be friends. I didn't tell her I didn't want to be with her because of my rediscovered love for all things BLACK. Instead, I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship. 

There is only one woman good enough for me: A black woman.

I don't know how I could ever lose sight of the greatness of black women. The black woman was the original woman. She is the mother of all humanity. She is the most persecuted and degraded being on the face of the planet. She is the most oppressed being on the face of the planet. Despite all of this she is also the most beautiful and resilient person on the face of the planet. 

No other woman on the face of the planet has the ability to make me stop what I am doing and just stare. 

No other woman warms my heart, soul, and spirit the way black women do. 

There is nothing more beautiful to me than a gorgeous and smart black woman with her shit together. 

When I think about the glorious history of black women and how they have tried to rob us of that history by rewriting it and disregarding it I feel like crying. From Nefertiti to Cleopatra to Queen of Sheba to the chick from the Afro Sheen commercials...

black women throughout history have been a powerhouse onto ourselves.

I truly believe if there is a God she is a black woman.

I'm sorry I haven't always seen it. I haven't found MY black woman yet...but I will wait for her.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

I'm Taking A Break To Work On Sweat

I'm taking a break from blogging to work on chapter four of Sweat.

I will be back shortly.

Monday, November 3, 2014



Yesterday I received a text message from my aunt who lives in Alabama. It read, "Why weren't you at Ma's memorial?"

I stared at the text message while thinking, "The fuck? What memorial?"

Upset, I immediately called my dad to ask why he didn't tell me about grandma's memorial. He told me the memorial was held by the folks' at hospice to honor those that died this year. Then he told me he didn't go and he didn't think I would come home to go. 

Disgusted, I told him I had to go and I hung up the phone. I glanced over at grandma's picture on my TV stand and I started to cry. 

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my grandma. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Her death has left a void in my life that I don't think it will ever be filled. I just feel a deep sense of loss and pain.

I think her death has also left a void in my family. I remember sitting in the church at grandma's funeral thinking, "Damn the one thing that tied me to this family is about to be lowered into the ground." 

And it's true. 

When grandma (the matriarch of our family) died....the heart and soul of the family died with her. You would think one of my aunts would step up to fill this role, but I just don't see it happening. 

My oldest aunt isn't personable. Spent years getting spanked around by her ex-husband.

My second aunt isn't likeable. She is the one that lives in Alabama.

My third aunt is an opportunist....heifer don't want anything to do with you unless you can do something for her. 

My dad (the only boy) is a man. 

My fourth aunt is batshit crazy. To say she is bipolar is being generous.

It's enough to make me cry all over again....especially considering Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas of my life without my grandma. Sadly, it will also be the first time in my life I don't go home for either holiday.

Friday, October 31, 2014

I Love Her

I love Sapphire. I don't think there are words that can express how much I love her. She stays on my mind all day everyday...

Right now she is asleep in my bed. We didn't sleep together. She came over and we talked for a while. She was feeling tired. I offered her my bed. For a while I laid beside her and watched her sleep while thinking how beautiful she is both inside and out. 

The other day I ran across a picture of Priscilla Presley (from back in the day) that looks almost like Sapphire. In fact, she and Sapphire could be sisters. To give you some idea of what Sapphire looks like take a look at this picture and imagine Priscilla with sapphire blue eyes (her eyes are blue...but not quite like Sapphire's eyes)...

Damn shame she doesn't still look like this...

Anyway, as I write this post Marvin Gaye's I Want You is blasting in my ears via my headphones. I keep looking up from my computer at Sapphire laying across my bed and thinking to myself there couldn't be a more fitting song to describe how I'm currently feeling...

Like I said...I love this woman. 

While I'm on the subject of Sapphire, I would like to know why my relationship with her has caused such a commotion on this blog. The reaction to her, me, and us has been completely different from any other woman I have talked about on this blog and I want to know why? 

I have put together an anonymous two question survey about Sapphire and me. I want to know your thoughts. You can complete the survey and remain completely anonymous. You can also speak your mind freely.  If you are interested in taking the survey click HERE.

Monday, October 27, 2014

My Way Of Apologizing...

The above bouquet of roses will be delivered to Sapphire tomorrow. It's my indirect way of apologizing for letting Caramel eat the box...though Sapphire doesn't know about it. I'm still not planning to tell her about it, but I have decided not to let it happen again. 

I won't be having sexual relations with Caramel or any other woman...unless I'm not exclusively dating anyone or I'm single altogether. 

I'm human. 

That's really all I have to say.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I Feel Guilty As Hell But It Felt So Good

I had sex this morning...and it wasn't with Sapphire. 

On one hand, I feel guilty about it because I am exclusively dating Sapphire. On the other hand, I agreed to exclusively date Sapphire...I didn't agree to be celibate in the process of dating/getting to know her. I promise once we enter a relationship I will be faithful, but in the meantime...well let's just say my vagina won't suffer from neglect. 

I know some of you think I'm a damn dog for this shit, but just remember Sapphire and I are still in that "getting to know you stage." We are not officially in a relationship. Yes, I would hate it if she was fucking someone else while we are dating. And no, I wouldn't appreciate her doing this to me. I definitely can see how wrong it is on my part to do onto her what I wouldn't want her doing onto me. With that said, I'm not planning to tell Sapphire about my rendezvous with another chick! What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

I am horny as hell. I just want to fuck! If you've never been intimate with a woman you can't possibly understand the need that arises when you haven't been intimate with one in a while. Sex with a woman is like a drug. It is addictive and you start feigning for it after a while. For me watching a chick go to work in between my legs and feeling the burst of an orgasm is too powerful a feeling to go without for so long.

Who did I let eat the box? 


For those of you who don't know, Caramel is an old fuck buddy. She is probably notorious on this blog for fucking me while her girlfriend was overseas serving in the military. I hate to police another chick's sexuality (especially given my own sexual appetite) but Caramel is...what's a good word...a smut. She was fucking, sucking, drinking my cum for months while her girlfriend was overseas in Afghanistan. The ONLY reason we stopped screwing is because I broke it off because I felt guilty about the whole thing (Caramel didn't feel shit about sucking me off in the house she shared with her girlfriend...SMH). 

Anyway, the two of them are not together anymore. I don't know why. I didn't ask why. Maybe her girlfriend finally got a clue. Who knows? Hopefully, the chick won't come looking for me. I always feared she would find out I was screwing her girlfriend while she was away. I feared she would do some combat moves on my ass!

The only thing I wanted from Caramel when I called her up this morning was sex. And let me tell you...she didn't need much convincing at all.

Caramel is a very pretty woman. She has some nice full lips and a nice set of titties. It felt good watching those titties and lips between my legs. 

I'm thoroughly convinced Caramel will lick the crack of my ass if I ask her to do it. She has no filter or reservations. Upon arriving at my apartment she slipped her hand down my pajama pants and began fingering my already moist pussy. I sat back, relaxed, closed my eyes and let her do her thing. I let her feast on me for an hour and twenty minutes. I swear to God when I came I felt like crying it felt so damn good!

I guess this is the way it will be for now on until something changes with me and Sapphire....

I'm dating one woman and getting licked down by another.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

My Voice & Me Being A Troll

Check Out Entertainment Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with Carlotta Chatwood on BlogTalkRadio

Today I called into the above BlogTalkRadio show to see how the platform works. I ended trolling the host because I think my comments completely caught her off guard. 

I was AMC in her chat room. My voice starts at 108:00 - 124:00 so just skip ahead!

I will give you (anyone) $20 if you can tell me what the hell white men have to do with black men referring to black women as "bitches" and "hoes." This chick was reaching for straws...You can tell I kinda threw her off her rant. 

Anyway, I called another show and I think I completely stunned those folks as well because they didn't know what to say to my comment. I introduced myself as "Lisa" but that is not my name. I begin talking at 24:15 -26:40...

Check Out Self Help Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with Survival Radio Network on BlogTalkRadio

What do you think about my voice? Would you like to hear that squeaky thing every week on my own show?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sweat Chapter Four

This weekend I will be working on Sweat chapter four. I took a break from working on Sweat because I needed one. Sometimes I have to put whatever I'm writing aside and come back to it later. 

This  interest in Sweat comes in part because of the upsurge of "likes" I have received on my Sweat Facebook page. I don't know what has happened but the page has gained fifty plus new followers...many of which are middle aged white women. So, I'm pleasantly surprised. 

Given the demographics of my unexpected audience, and MY current love interest, I have decide to create a Caucasian character loosely based on Sapphire. I'm not sure what role she will play in the story. I probably won't introduce her until later in the series. I suspect she will be a popular character in the series.

I figure I better give the people what they want. I'm going to turn out chapter four and immediately begin work on chapter five. When I'm done with that I'm going to turn my attention to Climaxxx and then The Booty Chronicles.

Stay tuned...

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Diary of A Black Lesbian Radio

So I think I'm ready to get Diary of A Black Lesbian Radio off the ground. I originally put the idea on hold because the shrink I was seeing didn't think it was the right time for me to jump into something like this...(keep in mind this was shortly after my grandma's death). Now that I'm in a better state of mind I would like to revisit the idea. 

I have a very southern squeaky girlish/childish voice. I am not sure how this will go over on radio. It is very distinct and unique in my opinion, but again I'm not sure how this will go over on radio. It will likely make me more comical because people tell me my voice is funny.

Anyway, if I decide to run with this idea the shows will air on Sundays at 7:00 PM EST. 

Let me know what you think. Any suggestions?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

A Question I Am Constantly Asking Myself: What The Fuck Is Wrong With Black Women?

Disclaimer: This blog is not about all black women and it certainly isn't about those like me (i.e., lesbians). This post is a general observation I have made for several years. Because I am not heterosexual I generally don't see it as MY problem. Even still I do find it troubling and problematic. I hate even having these thoughts but they are there and I'm sure I'm not the only person who has them. Here we go...

I often ask myself what the fuck is wrong with black women? Why? Because too damn many just seem to be suckers for abuse, drama, bullshit, mistreatment, oppression, and nonsense. What am I talking about?

You would have to be deaf, blind, and dumb NOT to see the civil war black men have declared on black women in this country. Domestic violence is high. Murder suicides are high. Rape statistics are high. Black men are all over social media promoting violence and abuse against black women. They are going out of their way to defame and degrade black women's hair, skin color, beauty, culture, etc. It's gotten so bad that you would think these niggas were white supremacist and members of gawdamn Klu Klux Klan. The shit is both disgusting and mind blowing.

And before someone (there is always some dumbass broad who does this) says, "Well they aren't all like that. There are some good black men out there...." Tell me where the fuck these "good" black men are when niggas are going on social media and throwing black women under the bus. 

Where the fuck are they when niggas are putting down black women in rap/hip hop lyrics? 

Where the fuck are they when niggas are talking shit about black women on twitter with various degrading hashtags? 

Where are they? No where to be found!

I can't understand for the life of me why today's black women (let's just say 15-40) even fuck with black men at all! If I were straight I wouldn't give them the time of day. You couldn't pay me. Between the misogyny and the lack of substance, I would find myself put off by them collectively.  

The truth of the matter is black women got cheated with the group of men they ended up stuck with due to race. In the lottery of men black women got the short end of the stick.

Even though this civil war is plain and obvious you still have black women out here who actually stand by black men, fight for black men, and even some who will spit on other black women to please black men. Every time there is a Trayvon Martin, Mike Brown, or an Oscar Grant it's black women out here marching for these folks. Yet it is a RARE thing that I actually see the same support being returned. Black men are more prone to throwing black women (and children) under the bus than actually providing any type of support or protection. 

At some point these motherfuckers bought into their own worthlessness and accepted it as their permanent unchanging position in this world. And as result black women are burden with a self-hating group of assholes.

I wish to God that black women, collectively, would come together and rally against the sexism and misogyny spewed by black men. Sisters need to throw that damn, "We're all in this together bullshit" out the window and start aiming aggressively at black men's heads. Drop all this bullshit about racial unity (everybody black is not your friend, brother, or sister) and start putting yourselves first.

My Gift To Sapphire

When I asked Sapphire about something she always wanted to do but never had a chance to do she said she wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. Next week I am making it happen. I ordered a private hot air balloon ride for the two of us. 

Can I be honest and admit I'm scared as hell? I hate heights. I hate flying. It will take everything in me to make it through this ride.

Pray for me.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I Feel Like Crying

I really feel like crying right now...

Today I attended a housing seminar as required by HUD for their first time home buyer study. Throughout the day we met just about everyone involved in the purchase of a home (i.e., banker, inspector, lawyer, etc). In the midst of this I was called on to read a paragraph from an information sheet that was passed out. 

As is usually the case when I'm called on to read anything out loud, I had a brain fart. I stuttered, mispronounced, and paused several times while reading the paragraph. I paused at words like evaluator (a word I have no problem reading silently). When I was finally done with the paragraph I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I could almost feel my cheeks burning with anxiety, embarrassment, and pain. Honestly, you would have thought I was illiterate listening to me read.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I have this problem. I am an avid reader. I read everyday. I've always been an avid reader. Shit, I have a master's degree in Library & Information Science. So, reading is very much apart of my life. 

Yet when it comes to reading out loud my brain shuts down and I embarrass the hell out of myself. This has been a life long problem. I think I am insecure about it because of my childhood experiences. I think it is some type of phobia. 

For those of you who don't know, I repeated the 2nd grade because I struggled to learn how to read. I was one of those kids who would pray that the teacher didn't call on me to read out loud. Why? Because at this point in my life I couldn't read and I was insecure about it. 

Now as a full grown adult with a high IQ, A+ reading skills, and no type of known physical or learning disabilities I feel so ashamed and embarrassed by this issue. Tears have started to roll down my face as I write this sentence because this is something that really bothers me. I just don't know what to do about it...

For now I'll just cry about it. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I Want To Have Sex

I'm horny as hell. I seriously want to have sex. I've been masturbating the last few days, but there is only so much my hand can do! I actually think I'm developing arthritis or something from masturbating so often. Damn fingers don't move the way they used to when I was younger.

I want someone to feast on the box gawdammit!

Sapphire and I haven't had sex. We are probably a long way from having sex. We agreed to exclusively date each other. I'm fine with this arrangement. HOWEVER, I wonder if it would be considered "cheating" if I called up Chocolate or Caramel and convinced one of them to eat the box? 

Seriously, if I'm exclusively DATING (not in a relationship) Sapphire would I be wrong to allow some other chick to suck me off??

I just want to cum...three or four times!

Edit: When I said I want to have sex I did not mean with any of you....just to clarify and stop the thirst taking over my email inbox....smh.

Monday, October 6, 2014

So Raven Finally Came Out The Closet...I Think...


In case you missed it, Raven finally confirmed that the chick from America's Next Top Model is eating the box (sigh...Raven can do better). I'm about 90% certain Raven is BIsexual...not a lesbian and that's based on the things she said in this video.

"I'm not into labels..." translation, "I'm confused as hell" or "I'm bisexual."

The thing I find funny is people (well black people) aren't talking about her relationship with a woman. Instead, they are talking about her saying, "I'm not African American." According to African Americans that's a sin. 

I could care less if she says African American or not. African American is a modern term. She didn't say she wasn't black. She said she doesn't identify herself as an African American.

Side note: All that money...and no stylist...SMH. Baby girl has no business walking around with some green and purple hair...what the fuck?!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Good Lesbian Movie

Here is a good movie for those of you struggling with your sexual orientation. I think I first saw this movie back when I was in high school. It is called The Truth About Jane

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Sapphire & Me

I don't think there are any words that can describe how hard I have fallen for Sapphire. There is so much that I like about her. I haven't spoke much about her on this blog, but I guess this is as good a time as any to give you the 411...

Sapphire is 5'3" and if I had to guess her weight I would say 115 pounds. She has brown hair and piercing sapphire blue eyes. Her hair goes just passed her shoulders. She wears it in a variety of styles. She has slim features. She is a nice casual dresser (extremely ladylike). Her makeup is always modest, but on-point (she does a good job highlighting her features with her makeup). She is truly a beautiful woman. 

Her voice is really soft. She is very soft spoken.

You would think she is shy because she comes across as an introvert, but she is not. 

Sapphire is a real estate agent. She is also an expert at interior design. Like me, she dreams of owning her own business one day. 

She was born and raised in Canada to an upper middle class family. She moved to Montana (apparently she has family there) when she was 21 and then Atlanta when she was 26 just because she wanted a change. Shortly thereafter she convinced her best-friend to move from Canada to Atlanta.

Sapphire is 28 years old. 

I am not the first black woman she has dated. In fact, I am number three. She is an equal opportunity dater (meaning she just goes with the flow with whoever). She is probably the most liberal white person I've ever met when it comes to race (I'll write a separate blog about our conversation about race...I'll just say that she thinks we Americans are stupid for focusing on it).

When I go to Sapphire's apartment she has this thing where she calls out my name before she reaches the door. I always say, "Yes, 'insert her name' it's me."

She always greets me warmly with a hug and a kiss. She loves to be held...whether it be me wrapping my arm around her on the couch or pulling her onto my lap...Sapphire just likes to be held close.

She is really big on romance movies (I can't count the number of times we've watched The Notebook together). She is the first person I've ever met who has Danielle Steel's made-for-tv movies on DVD!

She has a way of looking at me that warms my heart. There have been times when we've been staring at each other and I've thought to myself, "Jesus this woman is beautiful..."

I've been very forthcoming with my feelings for her. I send her flowers, cards, and candy. She has returned my feelings and today we decided that we are exclusively dating each other.

Periodically, throughout my day, I send her some really lovey dovey text messages....and she returns the favor. 

We haven't had sex yet and I'm fine with that. We both agreed to take our time and get to know each other. 

Tomorrow I'm taking Sapphire to the Sun Dial, which is the restaurant that sits on top of the Westin. For those of you who don't know, this restaurant spins to give visitors a 360 degree view of Atlanta. It is breathtaking no matter the time of day. We're going tomorrow night...

Other than the weird dreams haunting me...this is my life :-)

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Another Weird Ass Dream Or Should I Say Nightmare

Last night I had another crazy dream. This dream was probably the craziest dream I've ever had. I honestly think I was in hell. Let me explain...

In the dream I was in a white room holding a gun. There was a squirrel crawling on the wall and there was another squirrel on the floor. These weren't ordinary squirrels. They had some mutations. Their feet and hands looked like huge paws (like that you would find on a lion or tiger) with 6 fingers. 

I shot the squirrel that was crawling on the floor and then I shot the squirrel that was crawling on the wall. The squirrel on the floor died. The squirrel on the wall looked like it died too, but then it turned into a turquoise viber snake!

I stared at the snake and it stared back at me with a look that would make me piss my pants if this was real life. It hissed at me. I raised the gun to shoot the snake, but before I could fire it jumped forward in one quick motion and bit me! 

At that point I woke up. 

I don't know what this dream means but it scares the shit out of me.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Something I Should Have Done A Long Time Ago...

Not My Actual Ring

Today I purchased my college class ring. I graduated from college years ago, but I'm only now purchasing my class ring. Why? When I was in college I couldn't afford my class ring. I was a broke graduating senior who was about to enter the world in what turned out to be the hardest hit economy since the Great Depression. 

I didn't even have a job lined up after graduation. I didn't bother asking my parents for help purchasing the ring because I knew that would be a dead end. If I were ever going to get my ring I would have to purchase it myself. I promised myself once I was able I would purchase my class ring.

My class ring is important to me because Spelman College is important to me. It is my hope that one day I will have a daughter who will follow in my footsteps and attend Spelman. Hopefully, she will have a ring of her own one day. I'm hoping I am the beginning of a legacy. 

I had to work hard and push myself through college without much financial help or parental support from my parents. I didn't come from the close two parent household like my freshman and sophomore roommates. For the first year or so I struggled with depression and everything else. So much so that my hair began to fall out. I think this was one of the lowest points in my life.

Post college I also fell into a self-loathing period as I watched friends from college finish law school and go on to start families of their own. I felt like a loser (boy if I knew then what I know now...all that glitters is not gold...those folks today aren't doing any better than I was back then). I felt like I was being left behind.

Now as a twenty-nine year old woman, who has accomplished some success in life, I feel vindicated. This ring makes me feel vindicated. I could have purchased it a year or two ago, but maybe the moment wasn't right. Maybe I was waiting to get to a certain point in my life before I purchased the ring. 

Anyway, I bought the ring in the picture with Spelman's seal. The only difference is my ring is 14k gold and antique finish...

Grand total = $963.00

This is one of the happiest days of my life.

Never Thought I Would Ever...

Today I did something I never thought I would ever do: I went on a spending spree. I spent $2,500 on clothes, shoes, jewelry and perfume. 

On one hand, I think I over did it. I just wanted to buy some business casual clothes and a trench coat. Instead, I ended up buying out several stores.

On the other hand, I think I needed this in my life. I'm not a big spender. In fact, I live very modestly in the same studio apartment I've been living in for almost three years. 

A little shopping spree every blue moon is not going to kill me. Hell I like to look good and smell good. When I'm looking my best you can't tell me nothing!

Who knows...maybe one day in the future I'll get up the nerve to drop a couple stacks on this...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

What The Hell Does This Mean???

Last night I had one of the weirdest and freakiest dreams ever. What scares me the most about this dream is it repeats itself every few months. Let me explain...

There is a man who keeps appearing in my dreams. I knew him in college but I haven't spoken to him in years. When I was at Spelman he was a student at Morehouse. We fell out and our friendship ended because I thought he was an egotistical asshole. He also told me that his girlfriend, who apparently was threatened by our friendship, didn't want him speaking to me anymore. So, we haven't spoke since. 

For whatever reason this individual keeps popping up in my dreams and when he does we are FUCKING! 

Yes, you read that right. 

In the dream I had last night we were shopping in a mall. Something happened, words were exchanged, he got mad at me and left me in the mall. I ventured into an adidas store (and note...I've never seen an adidas store in my life) where I proceeded to look at clothes. 

Minutes later he shows up and I'm giving him the cold shoulder. I remember saying, "Leave me alone!"  He refuses and instead he forces me into a nearby closet that looks like an abandoned dressing room. He rips off my underwear and he whips out his dick. The next thing I know we are going at it raw and hard. 

We finish screwing and the next thing I know we are leaving the closet. The manager of the store meets us outside the dressing room with a look of disgust. She says, "I hope you two are done..."

And that's when I woke up....literally hot and bothered while thanking God it was just a dream.

Each and every time this man appears in my dreams we have had a sexual encounter. I'm trying to figure out why?

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Perhaps this man will be the father of my children? What the hell does this reoccurring dream mean?

I'm scared.

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Sweet Gift

I woke up this morning feeling under the weather. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have slept half naked last night. Sigh...

Yesterday I ordered the above edible arrangement for Sapphire. It's supposed to be delivered to her today. 

It looks delicious. 

Hopefully we can eat these white chocolate strawberries together.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Let's Get Something Straight...

I have received more hate mail from my last blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I think I have lost more subscribers as a result of that one blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I expected folks to be surprised. I didn't expect the hate, disappointment, anger, and hostility. 

This blog post is NOT about just one or two people. It is about SEVERAL people (some of which are old enough to be my mother) and several emails I have received...

I am not a perfect woman. I have never claimed to be a perfect woman. In fact, I have acknowledged my flaws. I'm hypocritical, egotistical, abrasive, and seemingly uncaring at times. I have owned up to all of the above. 

I have also owned up to my racist beliefs, issues with depression, etc. This is nothing new. 

I am a work in progress. People evolve. We grow. We learn. We change. I doubt I am the same person I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Why? Because of life and experiences. 

My goals change. My desires change. The way I see the world changes. 

I don't want to hate the world and I'm tired of being angry all the time. I miss being happy. I miss being in love. I miss courting a woman. I miss waking up next to someone. I have more money than I ever thought I would have, but I cannot enjoy it because I sit around pissed off all the time about things I can't control in the world. 

I want some happiness goddammit! 

It has come to me from the unlikeliest of sources: A white woman.

I have fallen in love with a white woman and this one fact alone has sent some of the women who follow this blog flying off a cliff! 

I have received emails reading something like...

  • "You are such a hypocrite. I thought you were only into black women..."
  • "I used to be a fan, but I'm not anymore. I hope you and the white girl are happy together. I won't be supporting you, your blog, Sweat, or anything else by you."
  • "I liked you, but I don't anymore. There are plenty of black women out here. You just need to get out of Atlanta or stop dissing those of us who want to get to know you better..."

I have damn near heard it all these last few days. Thankfully the women writing this stuff haven't been the majority. In fact, most of the comments and emails I've received about Sapphire have been positive. I appreciate the support. 

I wasn't going to rant and rave about it, but some of these emails are unnerving. This is why I will not date or meet anyone through my blog. This nonsense is a fatal attraction waiting to happen. 

Women who I have never met or had a conversation with have seemingly fallen in love with me through this blog. On one hand I'm flattered and gracious. On the other hand it spooks me.

Who I date is my business. I'm not going to live my life worrying about losing subscribers on this blog. If you ever reach the point where my blogs, who I'm dating, or what I'm doing is fucking up your head it's best to unsubscribe. 

I'm NEVER going to be everything to everybody. I can only be ME...and I am complex as hell. Take me for what I am please.

Let me address another thing...

The cries of internalized racism/colorism/self-hate/me being anti-black woman are UNFOUNDED. Just about every woman I have been crazy about has been black. These women have been dark-skinned, brown-skinned, light-skinned, etc. No one can ever accuse me of hating black women because that is bullshit if I've ever heard it. I admit I have a type (i.e., natural hair, clean cut, slim, feminine), but overall black women have always been my preference. I also admit I DESPISE the ratchet stereotypical black lesbians we have here in Atlanta (and many of you seem to share my feelings because I get those emails as well).

Generally speaking, I try to show everyone respect. If you come at me correct you will get that in return. When I'm wrong I will apologize and keep it moving. However, I am not going to be told what to do, who I am, or how I should feel. 

Now that I've decided that Sapphire is going to be MY woman my blogs will only become more graphic and detailed about our relationship. She's about to be become a big part of my life. She's about to become a big part of this blog. If you cannot stomach that UNSUBSCRIBE.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Internal Conflict

Katherine Wentworth: A character from Dallas

I've been thrown a curve ball in life. It's something that I never saw coming. Perhaps it is some type of cruel poetic justice for my racist views and hatred. It's also probably the MAIN reason I took such a harsh tone with my brother about his family. 

What's the curve ball?

I have fallen in love with a white woman...and it's killing me on the inside!

I certainly didn't see it coming. I met her in a gay/lesbian bookstore. I was reading the back of a book when she came up and began browsing the bookshelf next to me. I was about to move out of her way when she said, "It's okay...you're fine." Up until that point I hadn't paid the woman much attention. When she spoke I looked up from the book and I was met with one of the most striking women I've ever seen. This wasn't a plain Jane white woman. This woman was a 10!

The thing that startled me the most was her eyes. She has the most striking pair of sapphire blue/gray eyes I've ever seen. In fact, the only time I can recall ever seeing eyes similar to hers was on a character from Dallas. Her name on the show was Katherine Wentworth...

I honestly wonder if her eyes are some type of genetic mutation...but then that's neither here nor there...

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog and all future blogs this woman will be nicknamed Sapphire.

That day Sapphire and I started a conversation. That conversation led to an exchange of phone numbers. The exchange of phone number led to several late night conversations. Those conversations eventually led to dates. Those dates led to a kiss that took place Sunday. And now here I am...feeling some kind of way because I feel some kind of way about this woman.

I'm a hypocrite. Part of the reason I blasted my brother is because he married a white woman. I was also blasting myself internally for falling for one. I've tried to justify my feelings for this woman by telling myself, "Well she's not an American white woman. She is a Canadian...." which she is by the way.

I've told myself, "Her ancestors didn't own slaves and they played no part in Jim Crow."

I've told myself, "She's not like those other whites..."

But no amount of justification can possibly explain how or why I ended up falling for a white woman.

The uncomfortable truth is I'm falling in love...and it feels good. Maybe this is God's way of trying to tell me something. Perhaps I need to change my views on race. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to let this woman go.

I like her...I like her a lot.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Making My Wrong Right...

I feel bad about the way I spoke to my brother yesterday. I don't feel bad about the things I said about my brother and his wife. I feel bad about the things I said about my niece and nephew (i.e., my "little beige motherfuckers"comment).

So in an attempt to make things right I gave my mama one hundred dollars to take my niece and nephew to a toy store to buy them whatever they want. I didn't give the money to my brother and his wife because they would spend it on themselves.

I don't personally have anything against my brother's kids. It is their parents who I detest. It's not their fault that my brother and his wife try to use them as ransom or a tool to get money out of the family. I regret my comments which were said in spite. I am deeply ashamed of myself for the way I described the kids. It won't happen again. 
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