Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I Think About Killing The Bitch

I am a woman scorned. 

I know that now. I sit around sometimes and I think about killing the ex that still has a hold on me after 7 years. I'm not joking. I daydream about picking up a gun and killing the bitch. 

I know it's not normal. And no, I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm scorned and hurt.

I want that heifer to feel the pain I've felt for the last seven years. I want her to hurt.

The situation that happened with her did something to me that cannot be undone. It changed my personality. It changed my outlook on life, humanity and the world. 

I used to smile and laugh all the time prior to her. While I wasn't carefree, I did see the world through rose-colored glasses. That all changed after her. 

I became angry. I became resentful. I lost trust in people. I lost faith in the world. In short, I became cold. 

I have a heart of steel now. I'm curt and rude with people sometimes. I have a hard time expressing empathy (at least in front of people). My contempt for people is obvious because I don't care to hide it anymore. All this shit goes back to what happened with her. 

I imagine victims of crime must feel this way as well. I feel violated, hoodwinked, bamboozled and most of all I feel vulnerable.  

I don't know what to do. 

Today I broke down crying. I called my mother, who told me I need to "pray and ask God to remove the hate from my heart." 

I don't want to hear that shit. 

In the 7 years I've been hurting God hasn't done a damn thing to ease my pain. I'm fucking sick of black people bringing God into our problems. Praying is not getting the job done. I don't knock anyone's religion, but black people in this country have been praying for the last 400 years and things are stilled fucked up for us. 

If my daughter told me she sits around thinking about killing a chick I wouldn't tell her to pray about it. She'll have plenty of time to pray when she finds her ass in prison or on deathrow! 

It is clear as day that I need professional help and some prescribed drugs wouldn't hurt!

I'm convinced if I don't get help I will end up killing her or myself.
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