Monday, June 3, 2013

Guest Post: Javon Monet Part One

Here is another guest post. Enjoy! -LezIntellect

It was my freshman year at University. After all of my classes were over I rushed to my dorm room and quickly opened up my laptop. The hit show, The L Word¸ waited for me; I wasn’t new to this I’ve watched it at least five times already. Each time I noticed something different about the characters or the story composition. Each time I dove deeper into the drama. Each time a part of me fantasized about running away to California and being one of those characters.  I sat in my dorm and watched a full season in one sitting. I felt my arousal; again this was nothing new for me but with that arousal came an epiphany. Javon, you like women. This is not the first time this thought has come to mind. But as I put my hands in my pants and thought about touching myself while thinking of Bette, Papi, or Tasha this time the thought was different, I was almost catching myself in the act. I was stunned, almost scared to even admit it to myself. I closed my laptop and quickly ran down the hall to my best friend’s dorm room. As I sat in her dorm I contemplated my next words, I felt like I had to tread lightly before I lose my nerve. I told her I had something I wanted to tell her. She sat on her bed with wondering eyes. “I like women.” I could not believe those words left my mouth. I looked at my best friend fighting back tears.

“Son, I do too,” was her response as she laughed at my nervousness. She gave me the biggest hug and asked me what I planned on doing about it. Things were starting to progress way too quick for my liking. I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I was scared shitless. My family isn’t as liberal as they claim to be. They are southern, old school, and highly religious. My sexuality would make them question everything they believed in. I knew early on that coming out would not be a good idea for me. So I dismissed the thought. I tricked myself into believing that I was just watching too much of the show, and left it at that. Putting my real feelings in a box and locking it away. Only to let it come out with secret talks with my best friend about both of us running away to London, attending graduate school, and living our lives as lesbians no one would ever know our secret.

The next semester came and I found myself in my biology class, I was sitting on the fifth row of the lecture hall and in walks a woman. She jarred me, she stopped me in my tracks; I didn’t know her but I knew I wanted to be next to her. She looked up at me, smiled and nodded her head. I smiled right back. Is it me or did we just have a moment? I thought to myself. I knew with that exchange that she was going to sit next to me, I was wrong she sat in the row right in front of me, I was crushed. Over that semester I found myself in a daze. I did whatever I could to sit next to her. If she moved up a row I moved up a row. It’s quite pathetic actually, but I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to know her, she was beautiful. She was a stud, with long golden locks that touched her plump backside and a beautiful shade of caramel skin desperately I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and make her cum.

I knew these thoughts were unusual, so I took my feelings to the internet. I found myself on Yahoo answers. I asked: I’m straight and I have a crush, infatuation rather for this girl in my class. I find myself sitting in her area, and I fantasize about feeling her up. How do I go about talking to her or maybe asking her out? I only received two responses, one of them infuriated me. She told me I wasn’t straight and that I was in denial of my sexuality. She told me to just ask her out for coffee. I was heated, who was she to tell me I wasn’t straight? I remember looking at my sister, yelling that bitch doesn’t know me I could be straight, right? I knew that this woman was right, I wasn’t straight but I wasn’t ready to think of the latter. That coming week I was back in class, I recently found out the guy I was “dating” (I use that word loosely, I never really had a connection with any man he was only the second guy I’ve ever dated.) cheated on me. I knew I should’ve cared more but I really didn’t, however, I was in class with a plan. I sat next to my crush and pretended to cry. I figured she would ask me if I was okay and that would open the door to conversations and us getting to know each other better. Again, I was wrong she just looked at me like I was crazy. I left class defeated, I didn’t have much time to talk to this girl I knew I had to act quickly the end of the semester was approaching. As finals time came we were preparing for our exam, after class we shared a laugh and talked about the test. I was ecstatic; I knew this was my chance. She stated that she wish she didn’t have to take the bus home. I quickly offered her a ride. She asked me if I lived near her and I said I did. I lied I lived nowhere near her and I was driving a hoopty that stalled on me, but I was willing to go there just so I can talk to her. As we were walking to my car, she received a phone call, it was her girlfriend and she was outside to take her home. Again, I was crushed. That was then end of that, after that day I never saw her again.

I did take something from that interaction, I was truly gay. It made me back track and think about my life. My crushes in high school, how I found myself running in the opposite direction when an attractive woman approached me, a brief moment I found myself attracted to this beautiful stud that went to my church and worked with me in our dance ministry, my “sleep overs” I had with girls back in my freshman year of high school. I knew I had been gay for a long time. I had only one question left to ask, did I really want to be happy?
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