Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I Think About Killing The Bitch

I am a woman scorned. 

I know that now. I sit around sometimes and I think about killing the ex that still has a hold on me after 7 years. I'm not joking. I daydream about picking up a gun and killing the bitch. 

I know it's not normal. And no, I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm scorned and hurt.

I want that heifer to feel the pain I've felt for the last seven years. I want her to hurt.

The situation that happened with her did something to me that cannot be undone. It changed my personality. It changed my outlook on life, humanity and the world. 

I used to smile and laugh all the time prior to her. While I wasn't carefree, I did see the world through rose-colored glasses. That all changed after her. 

I became angry. I became resentful. I lost trust in people. I lost faith in the world. In short, I became cold. 

I have a heart of steel now. I'm curt and rude with people sometimes. I have a hard time expressing empathy (at least in front of people). My contempt for people is obvious because I don't care to hide it anymore. All this shit goes back to what happened with her. 

I imagine victims of crime must feel this way as well. I feel violated, hoodwinked, bamboozled and most of all I feel vulnerable.  

I don't know what to do. 

Today I broke down crying. I called my mother, who told me I need to "pray and ask God to remove the hate from my heart." 

I don't want to hear that shit. 

In the 7 years I've been hurting God hasn't done a damn thing to ease my pain. I'm fucking sick of black people bringing God into our problems. Praying is not getting the job done. I don't knock anyone's religion, but black people in this country have been praying for the last 400 years and things are stilled fucked up for us. 

If my daughter told me she sits around thinking about killing a chick I wouldn't tell her to pray about it. She'll have plenty of time to pray when she finds her ass in prison or on deathrow! 

It is clear as day that I need professional help and some prescribed drugs wouldn't hurt!

I'm convinced if I don't get help I will end up killing her or myself.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Creative Juices Are Flowing

Now that I have my own spot to post premium content I've decided to revisit an idea I wrote about a little less than two years ago. On that particular post I described a desire to create the content I want to watch and read. I described a desire to create a soap opera featuring smart, non-stereotypical, well-rounded, career driven black lesbians, who more closely resemble my reality. Now that I have a website to post content that requires a subscription I want to move forward with this idea.

I am a huge soap opera fan. I've been watching soaps since I was five years old and I've never stopped. My grandmother introduced me to soap operas. I've been hooked ever since. Even as a college student I used to schedule my classes around my soaps. Though the genre is a shadow of its former self, I am still a loyal fan (albeit...not always a happy fan). 

I still remember when The Young & The Restless used to have this opening...

God, I miss those^^^ days!

Anyway, I want to create my own soap opera. 

Soap operas are basically stories. In fact, many of the people I know who watch soap operas still refer them as "stories." Soap operas started on radio. When television became popular soaps moved to that form of media. Soap operas, or stories, can be told in just about any form of media. I have decided to write my stories and deliver them via the written word. 

Here is the plan....

I plan to introduce my characters using the first person narrative. The characters will give you, the reader, their biography in their own words/voice. This introduction will be delivered to anyone interested in reading. I plan to post it on Amazon Kindle. It will be FREE.

Each week (sometimes it might be every two weeks) I plan to post a chapter on my premium content blog, Bowtie Lez. Chapters will be written in the third person. I only plan to use the first person narrative to introduce the characters. Otherwise, my stories will be told in the third person. Why? Because I don't like writing in the first person (especially if I have several characters, as will be the case). I prefer the third person. 

I think I will call my soap opera Delusions of Love. This might change.  

The setting will be Atlanta. 

Right now I only have two characters in my head. They are sisters (in fact they are identical twins). They are rich having inherited their father's black haircare and cosmetics company. They are both lesbians. They are also like oil and water. I've already decided these sisters will be the black female version of Kane and Abel.

That is the extent of development so far. 

Let me know what you think. Drop me an email or comment below. Your feedback is needed.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

My New Blog: Bowtie Lez!!!

I'm treating myself with a Christmas gift. I have created a new blog titled, Bowtie Lez

Bowtie Lez is place where I plan to let my intelligence flow. It will feature commentary about social issues, politics, pop culture, sports, entertainment etc. It will also feature commentary about my favorite subjects such as black history, genealogy and anything related to literature (this is the librarian in me speaking). 

The idea behind Bowtie Lez is simple...

I want to read/write commentary about the world from a black lesbian's perspective. I have searched all over the internet. The type of commentary/knowledge I desire to read is NOT represented. I am looking for an intelligent and analytical perspective on world events, black history, politics and entertainment from someone like me (i.e., black, lesbian, a woman). I could NOT find what I am looking for...so I decided to create it myself.

For those of you who know me, you should know I used to be a librarian. I have a thirst for knowledge. Some of that knowledge has made its way onto this blog, but I am so much deeper than the things you have read on this blog. I probably read through 2-3 books a week. I'm constantly educating myself on a variety of subjects. I have a lot of interest. I am living proof that well-rounded black lesbians do exist. I want to read and write about the things that interest me.

Bowtie Lez is ground-breaking. It is the first of its kind. I'm not just saying that because I created it.

Bowtie Lez is the first BLACK OWNED blog site that I know of that charges for subscriptions.

Yes, you read that right.

I have taken my idea of creating a subscription based newsletter and applied it to Bowtie Lez. Rather than creating a newsletter I have created a blog that requires a monthly subscription fee in order to read the content and comments on the blog.

Bowtie Lez uses a feature called Tinypass which serves as a paywall for the site. In order to access content readers must sign up for a $1.99 monthly subscription. It took me a whole week to create the blog and incorporate the Tinypass. I did it all on my own (fuck a web designer...I can do anything I put my mind to...as you can see).

To my knowledge I am the ONLY black blogger who has incorporated a paywall into my content. In that regard, I guess I am a pioneer. Several prominent white bloggers jumped on this ship a long time ago. Bowtie Lez (to my knowledge) is the FIRST black owned blog site that requires a monthly subscription to access content.

Some of you, who are new to my blog, might be wondering "Who the hell is going to pay $1.99 a month to read a blog? And why does she think this is a good idea." 

Sit back and get to know me!

I've stated over and over again on this blog that I want to be a publisher of some type. I love to write. I love the written word. I love to read. I desire to make a living as a writer and publisher. This is the avenue I have decided to take.

It's not simply about the money. This is what I love. This is what makes me happy. Why shouldn't I try to make a living doing what I love? Why shouldn't I create a business for myself when a good opportunity is available? People do it everyday. They are called entrepreneurs.

Plus, I think I have the magic touch. I think my voice is unique. I think I'm a good writer. I think I have a great personality. I truly believe people WILL pay to read my commentary. I think they will tell their friends about it. I think I will be successful. Why? Because I plan to do what it takes to be successful!

This venture is just the start of many more to come. Consider it a test pilot for other ventures. Bowtie Lez will allow me to experiment with subscriptions and content management. It will give me an idea of what it takes to maintain a digital platform that requires a subscription. This is just the beginning for me.

My target audience is black lesbians (and lesbians of color), though anyone can read my material. My goal is to build a media empire that caters to this demographic. In 2014, I plan to be a successful entrepreneur and businesswoman because one thing I have learned is the best way to keep the white man off your neck is to make sure he has no control over your wallet. Constant self-improvement and entrepreneurship my main goals. Bowtie Lez is the product of that thinking.

I plan to blog on Bowtie Lez at least 3-4 times a week. It will get more play than Diary of A Black Lesbian, which will only feature commentary about my life from this day forward. The fact is my life isn't very exciting these days. So, I don't have much to blog about. I won't have that problem with Bowtie Lez

If you are interested in purchasing a subscription to Bowtie Lez please read this LINK.

Like Bowtie Lez on Facebook.

Follow Bowtie Lez on Twitter.

If you have any questions or concerns, drop me a line.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chocolate & The Mistletoe

Yesterday I kissed Chocolate.

It happened under the mistletoe in her apartment. 

It was soft and passionate. I pulled her close to me. She didn't back away. Instead, she returned my embrace.

When it was over I looked at her and asked, "What does this mean?"

Chocolate: "I don't know." 

With my arms still around her, I rested my forehead against hers. I stared into her eyes and I thought to myself, hopefully it means something.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Hot Boiling Rage

I fucking hate white people. I hate everything about them. And I don't give a damn if my words are offensive to anyone reading this post. When it comes to white people, I wish the motherfuckers would cease to exist.

In the twenty-eight years I've been on this earth I've seen and experienced enough shit from white people to know there will never be a day when I can look at them as a race and want to sing kumbaya

I don't want jackshit to do with them. 

I don't want to work around them. I don't want to live around them. I don't want to socialize with them. I don't want to spend my money with them. I don't want a gawdamn thing to do with them. 

This deep hot boiling rage inside of me has been threatening to boil over for years. Today was the breaking point. 

White people....particularly White non-Hispanic Americans...can kiss both sides of my BLACK ass. And if you're black and find yourself offended by this post, you can kiss my ass too! Fuck you!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Justice Is Served!!!

Thursday I received an unexpected phone call from the owner of the body shop I'm currently suing. Apparently, he got served the papers and wanted to settle (no doubt encouraged by a lawyer). The owner is a white man from Columbus, Georgia. He is a redneck if I ever saw one. It's surprising he would hire two black men to run his business. That was a shocker to me.

The owner of the shop heard my complaints about the service I received on my truck. I also told him about the customer service and one of the managers telling me to "Fuck me and my ashtray" after I informed him my shit was stolen from my truck while it was in their care. 

The owner apologized and told me he would handle it. He asked me meet him at the shop on Friday. I agreed. 

I showed up at the body shop with my uncle. The owner of the shop called the two shop managers into his office. They immediately did a doubletake when they saw me and my uncle sitting in the office with the owner. He asked the manager who called me and told me "Fuck you and my ashtray" whether he said it. I gave him a cold stare...daring him to lie. 

He said he did.

The owner terminated his ass right there in front of me. He didn't just terminate his ass. He TKO'd his ass! He told him to pack his stuff and get the hell off his property! (His exact words). If this were a beat down it would look something like this...

The manager stormed out of the office...mumbling something under his breath. 

The owner then turned his attention to the other manager, who was responsible for the work on my truck. I'm convinced he is the individual who stole my ashtray out of my truck. Prior to the managers joining us in the owner's office I showed him my receipts, which clearly show I paid for some work that was not done. 

The owner asked the manager responsible for the work why it was not completed. The manager put the blame on another employee who works in the back. The owner then asked him why did he tell us the work was complete. The manager said something to the effect that he didn't have all the facts, which is complete bullshit. 

The owner terminated his ass too! 

That crooked bastard stood there looking like a deer caught in the headlights. A smile spread across my face upon seeing his reaction. For the first time in my life I found myself rooting for a white man, who clearly had it in his head that he was getting rid of these two niggas. I can't say I blame him. They are fucking up his money and the reputation of his business. Who in their right mind wants some thieving crooked bastards with piss poor ethics and customer service skills running their business? 

After the second manager stormed out of the office, the owner apologized to me again. He gave me my money back with an additional $150.00 for my stolen ashtray. I thanked him and I agreed to drop the lawsuit. 

I don't feel the least bit bad for the two assholes. They got what they deserved. They fucked with the wrong somebody. Justice is served...and I feel good about it.

Lesson learned: A black run automobile business will NEVER again see a dollar of my money.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Hispanic Women!

Selena...R.I.P  :-(

I love Hispanic women. I think they are some of the most beautiful women in the world. For much of my life I've pretty much regarded certain groups of Hispanic women (particularly Mexicans and Puerto Ricans) as black women with lighter (and sometimes darker) skin. Their African ancestry is quite obvious sometimes. They tend to have tan skin, full lips, and voluptuous bodies....just like black women.

I grew up crushing on Selena (may she rest in peace). Selena was built like a black woman. Her features, curves and rear end reminded me of a black woman...

 There are others just like her.

I would really love to date a Hispanic woman. However, the Hispanic women in Georgia (much like their black counterparts) leave much to be desired. They don't look anything like Selena. I would say 99% of the Hispanic women I run across here in Georgia are obese as hell. They look like fair skinned versions of Gabrielle Sidibe. The shit is depressing!

I've only met ONE Hispanic woman in Georgia who I thought was attractive. She used to work at Chipotle up the street from my ex-girlfriend's apartment. She was a small, friendly, pretty woman. I remember her well because she used to greet my girlfriend quite warmly when we would visit Chipotle. 

Maybe I should visit Texas, or one of the other Mexico border states, because I want to be around some attractive Hispanic chicks. They are NOT here in Georgia. 

At the moment I'm crushing on this beautiful Hispanic woman...

I'm in love!

who plays Sabrina on the soap opera General Hospital

Sigh...It's good to dream.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Still Heartbroken After Damn Near Seven Years...

No matter what happens I can't escape thoughts of her. I've tried moving on to other women. I've tried moving on with my life. However, no matter what I do, everything always comes back to her.

I don't think I will ever love another woman as hard as I loved her. It is far too painful to do so. I wish I'd never met her. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this constant stabbing pain whenever I close my eyes and think of her. 

There is a hole in my heart and I don't think it will ever be filled. It's been there ever since she and I broke up and she cut me out of her life. 

There are times when I find myself weeping just thinking about her. There was a time when I thought about killing myself not long after she walked out of my life. There are times when I wish the burning, constant pain, that's been with me for the last seven years, would go away.

Though various events have happened in my life that have led to depression, if I were honest with myself, I would admit my depression always been about her. It always leads back to what happened between me and her. It always leads back to my feelings for her. 

If it's possible to be driven to madness by a woman I'm there....living in mental hell.

I've been crying all day. I don't see it slowing down or stopping anytime soon.

Sunday, December 1, 2013


I'm ready for love again...

Things are completely over with Yellow Bone. I've cut her completely out of my life. Now I'm ready to move on to someone else. That's easier said than done. I've always had an issue finding a woman that meets my requirements. 

Quite a few of you have written me expressing your feelings for me, and while I'm flattered by the attention, I honestly don't believe I could ever seriously consider dating someone I met from the internet/this blog. I just don't have it in me to pursue a relationship with someone from the internet. 

I pretty sure the woman I end up marrying/dating will be someone I meet face-to-face. Chances are it will just happen. I just have to be patient.
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