Sunday, October 28, 2012

One of My Fears

Parenting in the black community...can we just admit it is damn near non-existent?!? I sometimes wonder if I was born on Mars or something because when I read black blogs, magazines or watch "black" entertainment television I feel REPULSION. I ask myself who the hell are these people and who the hell raised them? It's not an easy thing to say, but black Americans, especially POOR economically challenged black Americans, are FUCKED UP! 

I know that's a generalization, after all...I grew up poor as hell, but real talk POOR black Americans are NOT carrying their weight in society.

What do I mean?

I made a decision to BETTER myself through education. Though I am not where I want to be in life, I do have something to show for it...more so than my parents and ancestors (i.e., education, a comfortable middle class lifestyle and a sense of pride).

Yellow Bone wants children.

Yellow Bone wants to have children with me AFTER we marry. Whenever she brings up kids I silently feel a sense of dread. Why? Because I don't think I want to parent a black MALE. Parenting a black male would force me to deal with my overall aversion to black males and their plight in this world.

Right now I don't have any type of invested interest in black males. Yes, I have a father and two brothers, but emotionally I remain aloof from all three (by choice and circumstances beyond my control). However, I don't have any solid ties to black males. As a result it's easy for me to recognize their numerous collective flaws. Recognizing these flaws has brought me to the point where my repulsion of black males boarders on HATE. I fear this attitude might trickle down to my feelings toward my kid.

In my heart I know I will be a good parent. I will never abuse a child. However, I strongly suspect it will take time, patience and a great deal of self-reflection on my part to overcome the disgust I feel for black males in general.

Why exactly do I feel this way about black males?

I've asked myself that question again and again. I have never been physically or sexually abused by any man (not including the fierce ass whopping my daddy handed down when I was child). I am capable of being friends with individual black males. If I had to put my finger on it, I would say the following are the MAIN reasons I find black males repulsive: 
  1. Their collective treatment of black women and children.
  2. Their pitiful condition in this world...which trickles down to the condition of black women and children.
  3. Their self-destructive counter-productive mindset. 
In general, I think my dislike of black males stems from witnessing their treatment of black women and children. It comes from watching this type of shit...

And reading comments from black men like the following:
Beat the shit outta her, LOL
Reese ass Jumped Kicked this bitch bout 20 times LMAO Reese ass crazy

It comes from hearing songs like this one by a black woman:

All of the above just makes me think, "FUCK BLACK MEN!"

I don't believe I am alone in feeling this way. I think a number of black women, whether gay or straight, feel the exact same way I do. One cannot help but compare black men's inadequacies to those of other races of men. Perceptions of black male inferiority begin to enter the brain...though we try to stop them...if only out of a sense of racial loyalty. And then slowly but surely one begins to realize that she cannot defend today's black men against the words of harden white supremacist (disguised simply as conservatives) because somewhere in the back of her mind she's had the exact same thoughts about black men, their actions and their overall hopeless disposition.

I don't want a son, but if I end up with one I am going to do my best to make sure he is the antithesis of today's black males.
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