Thursday, October 18, 2012

Coming To Terms With My REAL Issues With Yellow Bone

I've had a run of REALLY bad luck lately. I don't feel like going into detail about it, but I'm temporarily crippled physically. I'm on painkillers and I'm on leave from work. Yes, it's that damn serious.

Through it all Yellow Bone has been by my side.

Last night, as I lay in bed with her asleep beside me, I couldn't stop myself from staring at her. I've never been the type to get emotional while watching someone I love sleep, but tears began to run down my face as I stared at Yellow Bone.

I haven't been very good to Yellow Bone. In the midst of our relationship I feel in love with another woman, which turned out to be a dead end street. I broke up with Yellow Bone and I broke her heart twice. We went weeks without speaking until finally we rekindled a purely sexual relationship. 

If I call Yellow Bone comes running. She is never too busy for me. Yellow Bone is as close to my ideal woman as I have come across. She is physically beautiful. She doesn't have any kids. She is educated. She has her own money etc.  The only truly legitimate beef I had with Yellow Bone is her love for socializing (i.e., partying). However, once we talked about it she began opting out of the club scene. 

So, why the hell couldn't I do right by her? What was my REAL beef with Yellow Bone?

In this case, the issue was ME...not HER. 

For the first time in my life, I had a woman that matched and sometimes exceeded my expectations and that shit scared the hell out of me! 

As much as I bitch and complain about finding the right woman, I wasn't prepared when she actually walked through the door. I realized I don't know how to be happy. I've been sad, depressed, angry and lonely so long that I don't know how to just be happy. So, I began LOOKING for things wrong...all in an effort to push her away.

Some of you might think I'm immature or whatever, but I was honestly scared as hell after realizing how perfect Yellow Bone is compared to all other black women that have entered my life. 

Then there is the reality that Yellow Bone makes more money than me. I know it shouldn't matter, but I am bothered by it. Yellow Bone is 27 years old and she makes 65k a year. Anything she wants and needs she can buy it herself. Yellow Bone loves to shop and fortunately she can buy whatever she wants completely on her own.

I have always imagined that I would be the breadwinner in the household. However, Yellow Bone clearly trumps me in that regarded. Her income and lifestyle is intimidating. I sometimes wonder if I can truly make her happy financially or if she even needs me in that regard at all??

I do love Yellow Bone and I want to do right by her. I'm going to ask Yellow Bone to be my girlfriend again.

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