Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Facing My Fears


I know sometimes I come across as arrogant and confident on this blog, but nothing is further from the truth. I'm actually quite vulnerable and I second guess myself often. I put on a brave front but deep down inside I'm afraid of many things. As much as I talk about finding the right woman and starting a family I'm actually afraid of doing just that.

The woman of my dreams entered my life a few weeks ago. For the record she feels the same way about me. I didn't see it coming. I've been knocked out of my comfort zone because I don't know what comes next. I found myself pushing her away (again). Not because I actually want her to go away, but because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't live up to her expectations. I'm afraid I won't be able to catch her when she's falling. I'm afraid I won't be what she needs. 

Why? 

Because I haven't lived up to my own expectations yet. While I would hardly call myself a failure of a bum, I can honestly say I'm not where I want to be in life. I'm not where I think I should be at twenty-seven years old. I'm still a work in progress.

This isn't something I just feel with this particular woman. I feel it with almost every woman that has entered my life. 

As much as I want my dream woman and kids, I don't feel like I can adequately be a provider right now. I have the potential to be something great. I know my time is coming, but I feel like I'm coming up short right now. I'm struggling out here on my own...I don't know if it's right to drag another person into my life at this point. I hope that makes sense. 

It would be nice to meet someone who doesn't mind struggling right along with me, but I think this is too much to ask of someone in this day and age...especially a woman interested in starting a family. I think most women want to be comfortable in life and they want someone to provide. I want very much to be the breadwinner of my family but I haven't made it to this point yet. 

When I'm afraid I start pushing people away. I know I need to stop. I want to stop. My dream woman is standing right in front of me. I should be going hard to win her heart. I shouldn't let anything or anyone (sorry Yellow Bone) stand in the way.

But I'm scared as hell!

I'm scared I might not live up to her expectations of me. I don't want a woman to look at me the same way I look at my father. I believe I have potential, but that potential hasn't manifested or monetized yet. Whoever I end up with will have to cope with that reality....and that's why I find myself wanting to be with this woman one minute and pushing her away the next.

P.S. To all you Yellow Bone lovers...yeah I guess I'm that bastard! It's just a matter of time before I break her heart again.

Do You Believe Everyone Has A Soulmate?

Soulmates

Do you believe everyone has a soulmate? If so, how do we know when/if we've found that person? Why do so many people end up single for long periods of time? Is it possible to overlook your soulmate? How do you know it's not a crush? How do you know it's not lust? Are soulmates destined to become lovers? Is it possible to just be friends with your soulmate?

I think I've found my soulmate.

I feel something special for this woman. I haven't felt this way in a LONG LONG LONG time. Part of me is afraid of this feeling. Another part of me hopes she is the real deal because I'm tired of searching for her. Another part of me hopes she feels the same way and that my feelings are not unrequited.

It feels so good to know that I'm not alone anymore. It feels so good to know there is someone out there that shares my likes, dislikes, goals, dreams and beliefs. It feels so good to know there is someone out there just like me. But I'm still scared to death of this feeling...

I've had my share of women. Some of my relationships with women have been built solely on lust. One or two have been rebound relationships. Some have been...well...to be completely honest mistakes. Some have been short-term (I mean a few weeks or months at the most).

I have only loved two women. 

I don't know why I didn't love the others. They were just there to take up space in my life at that moment in time. Perhaps the main difference between the women I have loved and those I did not love is the emotional connection I felt with those I loved.

When the women I have loved cried I felt like crying (and often times I did). If something was bothering them, it bothered me too. If they were in pain, I was in pain too. I would do and say anything to make them feel better. If I had the power, I would move heaven and hell to make them happy. Again, I have only felt this way about two women.

Would I considered either of these women my soulmate? No.

Why? Because our differences far outweighed whatever emotional connection I felt with them. I imagine if either of them were truly my soulmate our differences wouldn't mean a damn thing. Nothing would keep us apart. No one would be able to come into our relationship and tear us apart.

I'm rambling (I'm tired and sleepy right now), but I want to know how do we know if we've found our soulmate?

In the past I thought maybe I was guilty of overlooking my soulmate. I believe that typically happens for most of us because we stay chasing people based on superficial bullshit (i.e., the chicks with the phattest butts and the prettiest faces...guilty as charged!). But it's really not about that. Life isn't about that. Beauty fades. I think a soulmate is someone that appeals to you on a deeper level (maybe I'm growing wiser in my old age).

For me a soulmate is someone that immediately lights a spark inside of you...that isn't easily lit. I think it happens randomly...and when we least expect it. I feel warm inside whenever I hear her voice. When we speak to each other sparks fly. I'm so happy to hear from her whether it's through a text message or by phone. She came into my life and I quickly became smitten. For various reasons this cannot be lust or a crush. I believe it is something much deeper.

A soulmate is someone that makes you feel something deep inside that you don't often feel for another individual...not even with the person you're with (though it might pain you to admit this reality).

That is the way I feel about this woman. I guess only time will tell if she is the one....
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