Saturday, June 23, 2012

Domestic Violence & (BLACK) Lesbian Relationships

What goes through your mind when you watch that clip? The first time I watched it was in 2006 (if I'm not mistaken) when I met and began dating my ex-girlfriend. I watched it at her house. I remember turning to her and saying something along the lines of, "I would never put my hands on you."

It was the truth. I never put my hands on her, but I will be honest...there were times when I thought about it. I thought about it alot.

There were times she'd make me so mad, so jealous and disappointmented me so much that I consciously thought about putting my hands on her. I can honestly admit while I never put my hands on her I did verbally abuse her a great deal. I knew how sensitive she was and I would purposely hurt her feelings just to piss her off the same way she manged to piss me off (partly my own fault because I'm really quick tempered).

After we broke up I felt bad for all the shit I said to her and the way I treated her. She did some foul stuff to me and I thought about wrapping my hands around her neck and squeezing after we broke up...I was so upset, angry and hurt. 

I like to think I've grown as an individual. I recognize my faults and I've worked hard to be a better person and a better girlfriend to my significant other(s). Still I can't help but think about all the stories I've heard from other black lesbians about the abuse they've suffered at the hands of their black girlfriends.

One girl told me her girlfriend almost chocked her to death. She broke her jaw. Broke her rib. All kinds of nonsense happened between these two.

Another girl told me her girlfriend raped her. I know...I couldn't believe it either and that's because I can't imagine a girl raping another girl. 

Most have said they've been verbally abused or verbally abusive. 

My question is why? What the hell is going on with black lesbians that we have such unhealthy/abusive relationships?

My problem: That's what I grew up seeing as a child. My parents didn't have the healthiest relationship with each other or their kids. My mother verbally abused me constantly. Honestly that's all I knew for a long time...other than the love and affection my grandmother showed me. I think I carried this over to SOME of my relationships with women.

It makes me sad to think about it now. I have so many regrets.
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