Thursday, August 30, 2012

SoulmateLESS


I've come to the conclusion that love might not be in the cards for me. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married, have kids and devote my life to being a good, upstanding wife and mother. Maybe I'm supposed to be a bachelorette and just screw around. 

My soulmate....the one I gushed about on this blog...the one that managed to seduce my mind away from Yellow Bone...broke my heart today. We had a fight and we....she decided it wasn't going to work. 

The long distance between us (she lives on the West coast), the different time zones, both of us being in school and working...oh and her girlfriend still being in the picture (according to her, she is planning how/when to break up with her, which I guess has to be thought out seeing as how they've been together for 3 years...yes, I fell for this bullshit and got played in the process...call me a sucker for love)...contributed to the demise of our short-lived romance. 

Ultimately a breakdown in communication put the nail in the coffin.

I'm sad!

I got too close to this broad and ended up getting my feelings hurt in the process. I swear it won't happen again.

I thought this woman was the one. I had such big plans for us. There were so many things I wanted to do with this woman (travel, see the world, build a family, take in a broadway play or two). We had so much in common. My silly ass was even sitting around daydreaming when/how/where I would propose. 

I feel like a complete and total fool for thinking she and I could actually build a life together. I actually love this woman and I told her so. Again, I admit, I'm a sucker.


I don't regret breaking up with Yellow Bone...it was coming regardless of this other woman. Yellow Bone deserves better, and I knew in my heart she and I weren't quite right for each other. Letting her go was the right thing to do.

I have made a conscious effort to be the type of woman I would like to date. I'm smart. I'm cultured. I'm well-read. I'm good-looking. I think I'm funny and charismatic. I'm romantic ass hell. I like pleasing my woman and making her happy. But I also have my flaws: I'm selfish, stubborn and needy at times. I can be a pain in the ass. I hate being ignored/neglected. I'm easily frustrated.

I've broken hearts and I've had my heart broken. 

From this day forward the days of me getting my heart broken are OVER! I am no longer looking for love, commitment/relationship or marriage. Women are taking a backseat in my life. My focus for now on is building my career. Expanding my education. Becoming a business owner. And getting money. My relationships with women for this day forward will be purely sexual. I'm done looking/hoping/searching for love. That shit is a lost cause as far as I'm concerned. It's not worth going through so much bullshit.

The rent is due Friday and I'm going to do something I should have done weeks ago: I'm finally going to screw the hell out of my property manager.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Too Tired To Blog


I know I've been a little slow with my blogs lately, but I'm tired as hell. I work all day and I'm in school all night. I don't have time to blog daily anymore. However, I promise to blog at least twice a week. Friday and Saturday are my free days. I will devote more time to blogging on those days. If you want to chat drop me an email (lezintellect@gmail.com). I respond to every email. Otherwise just keep following my blog. I'm not dead and I'm not sick. I'm tried as hell!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Homophobia Against Studs Part One


In part two of this series I plan to give my own opinion on this subject. Until then you can read this LINK, which I found interesting. Here is a quote from that article I plan to rant about in part two: 

I was curious about this phenomenon because a lot of black women say that they don’t like thugs — regardless of sexual orientation — but there appears to be a large group of lesbians dressing like men and carrying themselves like thugs. 

Agreed! And I briefly hit on this "phenomenon" on this blog post.

I found the academic research article about black studs and masculinity below while browsing the internet on this subject (link). The YELLOW highlighted portions of the article are things I don't personally agree with. The ORANGE highlighted portions of the article are things I DO agree with.

Studs and Protest-Hypermasculinity: The Tomboyism within Black Lesbian Female Masculinity By Laura Lane-Steele


This article will examine Black lesbian female masculinity using the ethnographic work I conducted in the summer of 2009 in South Carolina. The entire ethnographic project looked at all Black lesbians, regardless of gender expression, but the focus of my analysis in this article is limited to just Black lesbians who identify as studs. Although there is further analysis to come, to state it simply, a stud is a Black lesbian who embodies masculinity. The majority of the women in my project identify as either studs or femmes (Black feminine lesbians). To collect the data for this project, I conducted semi-structured interviews with five studs. I also used a great deal of participant observation, spending numerous afternoons and nights hanging out with these women in casual settings. Throughout this time I got to experience many aspects of the participants’ lives that would not be apparent from the formal interviews alone. All of these women come from working or lower class backgrounds, and all of them have graduated from high school. All of the women’ names have been changed to protect anonymity.

Despite the vast amount of research done on lesbians of all races, academic literature on Black lesbian masculinity is lacking. There have been a number of studies about female masculinity (see Halberstam; Abate) but few that specifically situate female masculinity within Black communities. In this article, I will show how Black female masculinity has been influenced by historically based constructions of Black gender. More specifically, I will argue that these studs strategically construct and perform their masculinity in ways that shield them from sexism, racism, and homophobia both in and out of their Black community. By looking and acting in ways that are similar to their Black male peers who embody a certain type of masculinity, these studs can gain access to some levels of male privilege and power that, in turn, can act as useful defense mechanisms against multiple types of discrimination and oppression. Given their status as Black lesbian women, triple minorities, using their gender performance in this way can be quite beneficial.   

Before I dive into these arguments, a word needs to be said about how I used these women's speech. In order to incorporate these women's voices into this article and to stay true to the ethnographic roots of this project, I have chosen to quote directly from the interviews I conducted. I have attempted to transcribe exactly what these women said and how they said it, incorporating their use of dialect. That said, not all of these women use the same dialect. Some women use what the Center of Applied Linguistics calls African American English (AAE) and defines as “systematic language variety, with patterns of pronunciation, grammar, vocabulary, and usage that extend far beyond slang.” Some women use Standard American English, and many women use a mix of both. I realize that the way these women speak contrasts significantly from the academic tone of this article and that this difference has the potential to create further hierarchal distance between ethnographer and subject. However, I believe that the benefits of creating a space for these women's voices to be heard in academic literature outweighs the potential risk of the use of their dialect being read as patronizing and/or othering.

This ethnographic study on Black lesbian masculinity would not be possible without the contributions of many Black feminist theorists. Patricia Hill Collins, one of the most influential scholars in the Black feminist thought, argues that Black feminism focuses on the intersectionality of identity and how it relates to oppression. Collins and other Black feminists argue that focusing on oppression only on the basis of gender (as many White second wave feminists did) leaves out issues of race, class, and sexual orientation. Audre Lorde, another prominent voice of this camp, comments on how the recognition of women's multiple identities is crucial to the feminist movement: “When I say I am a Black feminist, I mean I recognize that my power as well as my primary oppressions come as a result of my Blackness as well as my womanness and therefore my struggles on both these fronts are inseparable” (256). Lorde, as well as other scholars including bell hooks and Angela Davis, also bring in sexual orientation into their discussions of the multiple layers of oppression and empowerment. These Black feminists argue that heterosexism, heteronormativity, and homophobia, both in and out of Black communities, intersect with race, class, and gender to create forms of oppression unique to lesbian women of color. In her article Homophobia in Black Communities, bell hooks notes that Black lesbians are often asked which identity is most important to them: if they are Black, woman, or lesbian first (67–73). She, and many other Black feminists, call for the end of this kind of divisive identity politics. Instead, she says that by “acknowledging the union between Black liberation struggle and gay liberation struggle, we strengthen our solidarity, enhance the scope and power of our allegiances, and further our resistance” (67). While the field of Black lesbian studies is in tremendous debt to these scholars, this article takes their arguments on the intersection of race, class, gender, and sexual orientation and pushes them in a different direction. Unlike Lorde, hooks, and Davis who seem to connect Black lesbian to feminist, the Black lesbian studs in this study would not necessarily identify as feminists. In fact, they often act in ways that are in direct opposition to the Black feminist agenda, reinforcing masculinity's dominance over femininity and discriminating on the basis of gender and sexual orientation. Black feminists have looked at the ways in which historical oppression has shaped Black communities’ strict attitudes toward gender and sexual orientation (see Collins; Greene; Mitchell). This article, however, will look at how historical oppression has, somewhat ironically, created similar attitudes in this stud community regarding appropriate expressions of Black masculinity and homosexuality.

These studs’ masculinities cannot be understood without first outlining the historical roots of Black masculinities in the South. Beginning with slavery and continuing through the Civil War, Reconstruction, and on into the twentieth century, continuous assaults have been made on Black masculinities. During slavery, Black men were tortured, humiliated, commodified, and persecuted. After they were “freed,” they were barred from the political and economic fields that White men dominated, stripping them of their power, agency, and status as legitimate members of society. In her book Righteous Propagation, Michele Mitchell explains how the structural violence committed against Black men effeminized them, “Not only were they [Black men] emasculated beings according to mainstream discourse, but political disfranchisement, racial violence, and proscribed economic status often prevented them from asserting public claims to manhood” (74).

These unrelenting and brutal attempts to emasculate Black men have prevented Black masculinity from attaining what Kimmel, Connell, and other gender scholars call hegemonic masculinity. According to Connell and Messerschmidt (116), even though only the most privileged of men can access hegemonic masculinity, it is normative and desired by all people who embody masculinity: “It [hegemonic masculinity] embodied the currently most honored way of being a man, it required all other men to position themselves in relation to it, and it ideologically legitimated the global subordination of women to men.” Kimmel agrees that only a small minority of the population is able to achieve this ideal masculinity and expands on Connell by defining hegemonic masculinity as “the exclusion of ‘others’—women, nonwhite men, nonnative-born men, homosexual men”—which makes every othered man “a tragic tale, a tale of striving to live up to impossible ideals of success leading to chronic terrors of emasculation, emotional emptiness, and a gendered rage that leaves a wide swath of destruction in its wake.”

Because of violence, lack of access to political and economic power, and harsh discrimination Black men have certainly been historically “othered” by hegemonic masculinity. This kind of oppression leads to the kind of outrage and fury that Kimmel describes in the above paragraph, creating protest masculinities. In contrast to hegemonic masculinity, protest masculinities form under situations of cultural, historical, and economic oppression. Connell and Messerschmidt broadly define protest masculinity as “a pattern of masculinity constructed in local working-class settings, sometimes among ethnically marginalized men, which embodies the claim to power typical of regional hegemonic masculinities in Western countries, but which lacks the economic resources and institutional authority that underpins the regional and global patterns” (848). One of these Black protest masculinities is characterized by hypermasculinity: taking certain characteristics of hegemonic masculinity (homophobia, misogyny, dominance, and the policing of gender) to more extreme levels. This protest-hypermasculinity serves as a tool to protect Black men, and the Black community that they are expected to protect, from racism, violence, and discrimination. Elijah Ward sums up the motivations and functions of hypermasculinity well: 
Expressing hypermasculinity is socially popular in many black male circles. It seizes upon opportunities for projecting male dominance, possibly functioning as a means to vent the extra frustrations that black men experience in a racist society, while also shoring up a sense of identity in an uncertain social world. Expressing hypermasculinity also serves the added purpose of precluding questioning about one's sexual orientation, through a generous and decisive clarification of any potential ambiguity about the matter. (498–499)
This historical background on the formation of Black protest masculinities is important because these studs shape their masculinity by strategically adopting parts of this hyper-protest masculinity that is embodied by many of their Black male peers. It is strategic because the aspects they do adopt function in ways that give these women privilege and power despite their subordinated position as lesbian women in a heteronormative, patriarchal culture. This idea draws on what Tony Coles termed mosaic masculinities and applies it to women. Coles’ theory is as follows: 
Mosaic masculinities refers to the process by which men negotiate masculinity, drawing on pieces or fragments of hegemonic masculinity which they have the capacity to perform and piecing them together to reformulate what masculinity means to them in order to come up with their own dominant standard of masculinity … Although men may be subordinated by hegemonic masculinity, they do not necessarily reject it all together. Instead they focus on the elements that privilege them and reject the rest. (238)
In this case these women are drawing on pieces of this protest-hypermasculinity, not hegemonic masculinity. Although these women are subordinated by hyper-protest masculinity because of their sex, they piece together their masculinity using the parts from this masculinity that will benefit them the most. Being able to assert control and authority through their masculinity serves as a defense against racism, sexism, and homophobia. This is not a deliberate picking and choosing, but rather a subconscious process. Therefore, my main argument is that these studs unconsciously yet strategically piece together their masculinity by incorporating the parts of protest-hypermasculinity that give them access to power and dominance while leaving the other parts behind.

WHAT MAKES THE STUD


Physical appearance, including clothes and hair, are crucial to these studs’ identities. They dress in ways that are comparable to their Black male peers. Baggy pants and shirts, hats, high top shoes, Timberland boots, and fairly flashy jewelry are common. Their hair is usually in braids or cut short; however, some studs have long hair and wear it in styles that are quite feminine. When I asked my participants what made them a stud, the most frequent answer had to do with clothing. For example, Jamie told me, “I just feel more comfortable in men's clothing, being more masculine, rather than being all girly girly. Wearin’ skirts and heels, etcetera” (Jamie, Personal interview, June 30, 2009). Bianca Wilson also notices this trend in her study of Black lesbians: “Black lesbian's personal narratives illustrate the ways that dress and hair styles have been important markers of Black lesbian gender roles” (299).

However, some other women in my study were broader in their definitions, linking a stud identity to non visible characteristics of gender. For example, Jasmine dresses in men's clothes but her masculine qualities stretch further than her appearance; her masculinity is also tied up in her role as the breadwinner and provider: “I prefer to work, and you have your income as supplement. That's our fun money so to speak. And, you know, I take care of household bills, things that need to be done. If you need to go to work and we only have one car, then I'm takin’ you to work” (Jasmine, Personal interview, July 17, 2009). She goes on to say, “to me, stud … is more based on your mentality than your clothes.” Therefore, it seems like physical appearance is more important for identifying someone else's Black lesbian gender, while other non-visible factors are more important for self identification.

Despite the fact that these women dress in men's clothes, adopt masculine mannerisms, and fall into many traditionally male scripts (e.g., being primary financial provider), these women do not want to be men nor did they express any transgender or transsexual desires themselves. “You're always gunna be a girl. You know what I'm sayin’. You always gunna have some feminine parts in it” (Stacy, Personal interview, June 29, 2009). Jamie reflects this sentiment when she told me: “I don't wanna be a boy, I just feel more comfortable playing the more masculine part” (Jamie, Personal interview). These studs challenge the hegemonic idea that biological maleness is necessary for masculinity (Halberstam, 2). Female masculinity, embodied by these studs, proves that biological sex is not a determinant or a requirement of gender expression.

Furthermore, although it may appear that studs have fairly rigid boundaries when it comes to how they perform their gender, things came up in the interviews that complicate this perception of strict categorization. For example, there are women in this community who are read as studs by other lesbians in the community but choose not to identify as any Black lesbian gender. Wanda falls into this category, and she explained her decision to me, “A stud is like … tryin’ to be a male. That's what I feel like. I am not a femme cuz I'm not all that feminine … I don't wear dresses and heels … I am feminine, you know, my personality and all that, once you get to know me. But you know, the way I dress, I'm real down” (Wanda, Personal interview, July 20, 2009). “Down” in this context means dressing in masculine clothes. Further complicating this appearance of strict gender norms, there are studs in this community who identify as lesbians, but have sex with men and get pregnant. These women are often called “dick dykes” by other women in this community.  (Me: BOOM!)

Judith Butler's work in gender theory is useful in this analysis of these Black studs’ gender identities. She argues that gender is performed, but this performativity is not necessarily voluntary or conscious. Instead it, “consists in a reiteration of norms which precede, constrain, and exceed the performer and in that sense cannot be taken as the fabrication of the performer's ‘will’ or ‘choice’” (24). Therefore, like all genders, these stud's genders are constructed from the norms surrounding Black masculinity within their community. They do not create their own unique genders, but instead they perform their gender by taking cues (clothes, mannerisms, style of speech, gestures, etc.) from their surroundings and embodying them. This performativity of their gender forms and informs their notions of identity.

In order to fully understand how these studs construct their own masculinities, it is important to look at how their gender functions in the context of sexual relationships. All of the studs in this study and most of the studs in this community date exclusively femmes. In fact, as I will get to later, stud–stud relationships are viewed in a very negative light. These stud–femme relationships follow many of the same scripts of normative Black heterosexual couples their age. Studs call themselves the “boy” of the relationship. They pay for dates and are expected to be dominant over and in control of their girlfriends. Many of them use extremely misogynist language, referring to their girlfriend as “my bitch” or “my ho,” and saying things like “Man, that bitch thinks I love her, but I just like to fuck her.” As I will discuss further, this kind of language is also common among the Black men in their community who embody protest-hypermasculinity.

There are ways in which these studs do not follow traditional male scripts in their sexual relationships, however. In general, during sex the femme's sexual pleasure is prioritized over the stud's. While the stud is still in control during sex, the femme's sexual needs come first. In fact, some studs do not like to be sexually stimulated at all. This does not follow the heterosexual script that places men's sexual desires ahead of their female partners, and in fact, it is exactly the opposite. While these studs’ masculinities still require dominance in the bedroom, they are expected to satisfy their partners, with their sexual desires coming second or sometimes not at all.

The ways in which the studs in this community construct their masculinity both in and outside of sexual relationships bear many resemblances with protest-hypermasculinity. Their appearance and mannerisms are similar to those of their Black male peers who embody this kind of masculinity. Their misogynist attitudes and language toward their feminine partners are also clear examples of how these women have taken fragments of protest-hypermasculinity and performed it as a part of their masculinity. Taking on these traits has clear advantages for these studs. First of all, the embodiment of this masculinity can provide these studs with access to the power and privileges come with masculinity. Being able to relate to males and being “one of the boys” enables these studs to increase their position within the social hierarchy, where men are in power. One of the studs I interviewed attests to this while comparing her experiences to that of a feminine Black man, “Like, around here, it's probably more acceptable for the female kinda doin’ the masculine thing. Than the male tryin’ to be a female … I'd say like the female tryin’ to portray a dude. Because more than likely she hangin’ around other dudes, you know what I'm sayin’” (Wanda, Personal interview). By taking on these aspects of protest-hypermasculinity embodied by their males peers, who are in a position of dominance in their community, these studs are able to gain access to a certain level of male privilege that would be unattainable by femmes and even studs who reject these features of protest-hypermasculinity. Therefore, being “one of the boys” creates pathways to power. Because these studs are women, by taking on this form of masculinity, they are able to avoid much of the misogyny directed at them by men. Furthermore, their misogyny toward femmes functions as a way for them to assert dominance over a subordinate group and fit in with their male peers who are misogynistic toward their partners as well.
 
I am not arguing that by taking on these aspects of protest-hypermasculinity these women are able to avoid all types of sexism and homophobia. Because these women do not want to be men and are not read as men, they do not have complete access to male privilege within this Black community. Even though they may be “one of the boys” at times, their masculinity is still in a subordinate position under male protest-hypermasculinity masculinity and hegemonic masculinity. Furthermore, despite the certain protections that their masculinity grants them, they are still victims of homophobia by members of the Black community and the larger culture. The majority of the women in my study reported strong negative reactions from their family and/or church when they came out as lesbians. In order to deflect some of these strong negative reactions, stud–femme relationships resemble those of their heterosexual peers in many ways. In communities where being gay still carries large amounts of disdain and stigma, being in a romantic relationship that resembles what is accepted in mainstream culture may detract from potential criticism and even violence. However, although stud–femme relationships adopt many heteronormative scripts, they are still not completely free from criticism and hypersexualization from the Black community as well as the larger Southern culture. Beginning during the slave era and continuing today, the Black female body has been hypersexualized by White men Hill Hollins). Furthermore, lesbian sex is a stereotypical male fantasy in the United States (for men of all races). Therefore, Black women in lesbian relationships are potentially subjected to racially motivated hypersexualization by White men because of their position as Black females and by all men because of the male lesbian sex fantasy.

Homophobia Toward Homomasculinity


As mentioned earlier, one of the defining characteristics of protest-hypermasculinity is homophobia. Ironically, many of the studs in this community perform this piece of this masculinity as a part of their own. It is not an internalized homophobia toward themselves, but rather homophobia toward Black gay men and stud–stud relationships, which I will call homomasculinity from this point on. In the formal interviews, Wanda conveyed the most negative feelings toward gay men: 
For a man to go and stick his thang in another man's butt, or all the butts, ugg man … ugg man, hell no dog, that shit is nasty. … For me it's the thought of two dudes, like you a dude, you a dude, I don't care how old you is you still got hands and body sweat all over each other. Like hell no how can you suck another man's dick. Uggg … hell no. In the butt though. Laura, Laura. In the butt.
Stacy has similar thoughts about gay male sexual expression: “Personally, for me, Black men, I can't stand to see the way they kiss. … It don't look right for two males, you know, with their hair cut. It don't right, you know what I'm sayin.” Wanda and Stacy's feelings toward gay men stem from their thoughts about gay male sexual behavior. It is disgust, not hatred, which is at the root of their homophobia, and her response seems deeply emotional. There does not seem to be a clearly articulated reason why these women hold such attitudes toward gay Black men.

Much of the homophobia toward gay men was revealed during informal discussions, not the formal interviews. For example, I was with a group of these Black studs when we were deciding which club to go to on a Friday night. One woman suggested a local gay bar, but the idea was shot down by the group because there were too many “punks” (a derogatory term for a feminine gay man) and “faggots” there. Despite the potential political power that comes from Black gays and lesbians sharing the same cultural space, homophobic attitudes that some of these lesbians hold are what, in part, keeps the two communities from completely unifying.

Not only do many of these studs hold negative attitudes towards gay men, they often view stud–stud sexual relationships as inappropriate, strange, or even gross. KD is one of these women and when I asked her to explain why she feels it is not okay for studs to date studs she said: 
I don't think another dominant, or stud women should date another dominant or stud woman. It just don't, ug, it just don't look right, you know. Um, but two femmes can be together. But I prefer to see femme with another dominant or stud. … Because you gotta have a balance. It's just like in a heterosexual [relationship], you got a male and a female because there is a balance as far as how you handle situations. How you handle on a financial side. On a relationship side. There's a balance. If you got two studs, you got this little equal thing … you're gunna have conflict. That's what I think. (KD, Personal interview, July 30, 2009)
Her beliefs are clearly based on a heterosexual model of romantic relationships. Two masculine women cannot be together, in her mind, because there would be confusion about who was supposed to open the door or pay for dinner. KD's quote reflects what was mentioned earlier: that many Black lesbian relationships within this community fit into a hegemonic heterosexual script, with the stud playing the male role and the femme playing the female role. In KD's opinion, a two stud relationship is similar to two men being together, and therefore the relationship would fall apart because the submissive gender role would be unfulfilled. Even though, by this line of thinking, this same problem would arise if two femmes dated each other, she condones femme–femme relationships. Because of this, clearly there is something else motivating her condemnation of stud–stud relationships besides the inability to fill heterosexual gendered roles. Jasmine reveals what this something else might be when she expressed a similar distain for stud–stud relationships: 
I'm still very against stud on stud. … It's just gay! I mean for lack of a better term. It just cancels each other out. Like you might as well be with a guy. … Like I understand it's still a girl but as far as mentalities go, I need someone who is a little more submissive than me, not someone who is goin’ to be right at me all day the same way.
While her quote reflects what KD said about having an equal amount of masculinity and femininity in a relationship, she also brings up an issue that underlies the homophobia both toward gay men and stud–stud relationships. There is something about masculine–masculine relationships, or homomasculinty, that, as Jasmine puts it, is just gay. And even though some of the women that I interviewed do not hold homophobic beliefs about stud–stud relationships themselves, they acknowledge that hostility toward them is prevalent within this Black lesbian community. There is no clear reason given by any of the women I talked to as to why femme–femme relationships are not viewed as negatively as stud–stud ones. Jamie realizes this phenomenon but cannot explain why it exists: 
Personally that thought [of two studs together] is just like, out of this world. … But it doesn't really make sense for me to feel that way because it's two women, it's two lesbians … but still many people criticize it … they think it's nasty when it really shouldn't be. It's just like a stud datin’ a femme or a femme datin’ a femme.
Why stud–stud and gay male relationships are unacceptable among the studs in this Black lesbian community seems beyond articulation. Only certain types of homosexuality seem to be free from their negative judgment: stud–femme and femme–femme lesbian relationships. These beliefs reflect those present in men who embody protest-hypermasculinity in this community. As previously mentioned, homophobia is a defining attribute of this masculinity, but these men's homophobic attitudes are focused on gay men, not lesbians. Sociologist Earl Ofari Hutchinson offers up an explanation of why Black men have double standard for men's and women's homosexuality: 
In a vain attempt to recapture their denied masculinity, many Black men mirrored America's traditional fear and hatred of homosexuality. … Many Black men who bought this malarkey did not heap the same scorn on women who were lesbians. White and Black gay women did not pose the same threat as gay men. They were women, and that meant that they were fair game to be demeaned and marginalized by many men. (3)
All women, lesbians included, are subject to domination and subordination because of their sex and because of the misogynistic, patriarchal nature of this Southern Black community. Therefore, the Black lesbian is not threatening because she is still a woman, and therefore able to be controlled and dominated. Black gay men, however, pose a threat not only to Black masculinity but to the Black race in general. The Black Nationalist movement of the 1960s 1970s promoted and further legitimized this view towards male masculinity and homosexuality (Lemelle). In a movement led by Black men searching to attain full hegemonic masculinity, there was no room in Black communities for weak, effeminate men (i.e., gay men) who could not build and maintain a new strong Black nation. This view toward Black masculinity and Black male homosexuality continues to permeate not only this Southern Black community, but also the Black stud community in this study.

These studs’ double standards for femme–femme and stud–stud relationships can also be explained by the ways in which they embody aspects of protest-hypermasculinity. Men who embody this masculinity (as well as men who embody other masculinities) view feminine lesbians as an object of sexual desire while they see gay men in quite an opposite way. Therefore, the way that this aspect of protest-hypermasculinity is played out in this Black stud community is by them condoning or even sexualizing femme–femme relationships and expressing disgust toward stud–stud relationships.

On the surface, it is quite ironic and perplexing that these studs are homophobic toward other sexual minorities within their race. However, by adopting protest-hypermasculinity's homophobia toward homomasculinty, they are, in a way, seeking to protect themselves from stigmatization and marginalization because of their own sexual orientation. Fighting large structural institutions that create and enforce heterosexism and homophobia is a daunting task, especially for such a marginalized group. Therefore, instead of unifying as a Black LGBT community and combating these forces, for some Black studs, homophobia toward homomasculinity may be a way to gain access to power, and a way for them to relate to and engage with Black men that embody protest-hypermasculinity and the Black communities that they live in and rely on for support.

Conclusions


There are elements of these studs’ masculinities that do not line up with protest-hypermasculinity. Giving birth and assuming the pleaser role in sex are two examples. In general however, these studs do formulate their masculinity by taking fragments from protest-hypermasculinity and performing them in ways that benefit them. Through their physical appearance, mannerisms, misogyny, and homophobia they are able to relate to the men who embody protest-hypermasculinity in their community. Because of the patriarchal structure of this community, and of this country in general, being one of the boys enables them to access some of the benefits of male privilege and avoid the sexism and the homophobia that they might otherwise be subjected to.

By piecing together their masculinity from elements of protest-hypermasculinity, they are also able to establish positions of dominance over other groups of people, including femmes and gay men. In the field of masculinities, these studs’ masculinity is in an extremely subordinated position because of their race, sex, and sexual orientation. Therefore, they are able to gain power by subordinating only the groups of people lower on the gender hierarchy in this community: femmes and gay men. Their negative view on stud–stud relationships can be understood as an extension of protest-hypermasculinity's view toward gay men. Not only does male homosexuality threaten this masculinity, this Southern Black community views gay men as too weak to lead and protect the community from institutionalized racism. The Black studs in this study take this attitude towards gay male relationships and extend it to stud–stud relationships.

Besides looking at how these studs are often accepted as “one of the boys” by their male peers, this study did not directly look at how the straight Black community responded to these studs’ masculinity. Often times a studs’ masculine appearance and behavior prompted questions from their family about their sexual orientation. However, I found in the larger study that studs and femmes had similar coming out narratives and that a stud lesbian gender identity did not necessarily make the coming out process any harder. In future studies on Black lesbian gender, further analysis of the straight Black community's reactions to studs’ masculinity would expand on these preliminary findings and contribute to understanding of lesbian gender within Black communities.

More research in masculinities needs to be done on lesbian women of color. Unlike men, they have to negotiate sexism, as well as racism and homophobia, when constructing and performing their gender. The field of masculinities would expand its understanding of the complexities, functions, and motivations of gender by extending research in this area.

REFERENCES


Me: I'm not sure how the author of this study came to the conclusion that black studs are accepted into the "boy's club" by black men, but I have yet to witness this lie. In fact, from what I have observed, black men are quite hostile toward black studs...but I will hit on that in part two.

    Friday, August 24, 2012

    Can You Believe Some People Are Actually Defending This Animal???


    Here are the facts: This animal beat the shit out of his girlfriend. He is 6'7'' tall and a star athlete. She is 5'4'' tall. She broke up with him a week BEFORE he decided to violently assault her. AFTER assaulting her, this animal sent a number of threatening text messages. Chances are this wasn't the first time this man has beat the young woman in the video. With all that said, why in the hell are certain members of the black community defending this animal??? 

    I have read it all! 

    The comments range from "The bastard did the crime so he can do the time" to....  

    "Damn there goes another young black man with potential to prison. He shouldn't go to prison for this shit! They had an argument... no big deal." 

    Then there are the extreme dumbasses writing comments like: "She probably provoked him. Black women are the white man's partner in taking down the black man. We need to stop dating black women. A black man will end up losing everything he worked for if he fucks with a black woman!"

    Are you fucking people serious?!? The way I see it, BLACK WOMEN are the people risking their lives and dreams to be with black men...not the other way around! Black men for all intensive purposes are a liability for black women!

    This motherfucker kicked his EX-girlfriend in THE HEAD, dragged her by her hair, threatened her via text messages and the whole thing was CAUGHT ON TAPE. Yet somehow or the other Black women (and white men) are responsible for this violent animal's behavior???

    The girl he attacked (his ex-girlfriend) testified in court on HIS BEHALF...begging the judge to have mercy on him. No doubt she did that nonsense out of fear of the black community, who does absolutely NOTHING to protect black women and girls. If it means another black man not going to prison for a crime he DID commit black women are EXPENDABLE. So I have to believe the assaulted young woman was pressured by his family, their peers, his basketball coach and probably her own damn family NOT to throw his ass under the bus. No sane, rational, human being would defend and cry for the bastard that KICKED HER IN THE HEAD AND BEAT HER ASS!

    And YES, the girl in the video is BLACK....the camera footage isn't the greatest I've seen. They show a clear image of her in court crying buckets of sympathy for this bastard.

    If she were my daughter this story would be very different. Not only would this nigga get a bullet up his ass, but she would have some SELF-RESPECT and know it's NOT okay for a man to beat her. 

    Sigh...black women PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE raise your daughters with some PRIDE and SELF-RESPECT. Black women can only count on themselves in this world. We are all we have...please learn to put yourselves FIRST. 

    If you are interested in reading some of the comments from this crime. Here are some articles...

    Wednesday, August 22, 2012

    I Miss 90's Girl Groups...


    I miss girl groups like TLC. Back in the day I had a HUGE crush on T Boz. As far as I'm concerned TLC was the hottest girl group of the 1990's....

    Sunday, August 19, 2012

    Yellow Bone & I Are Officially Over


    I broke up with Yellow Bone on Friday upon her return from Detroit. I don't feel like going into detail about it but she took it well. No crying. No screaming. No cursing. None of that nonsense. In fact, she didn't show much emotion at all. 

    Me: If we are meant to be together we will find our way back to each other at some point.

    Yellow Bone nodded her agreement.

    She asked me to give her some space. I agreed. We agreed to share joint custody of Peanut and I suspect we will be friends once she gets over me.

    So I'm back on the market. 

    Wait...wait...hold up...what happened to your soulmate...You know the one you were gushing about on this blog?

    She's still in the picture, but she's still with her girlfriend. Not to mention she lives about 2,000 miles away. We have a lot to deal with in order to be together. I still want her and she still wants me. In the meantime, I plan to hit the ground running...

    All you single lesbians in ATLANTA who were sending your pussy through my email, I'm all yours...come get me! I'm taking applications!

    *Note: Studs/masculine chicks, bisexuals, hoodrats (and you know whether or not your ass is ghetto or not) and single mothers need not apply!

    P.S. I said I wasn't going to fuck my property manager, but the urge is there now that I'm single. Do you think I should do it just to get her out of my system???

    Hit the poll...



    Saturday, August 18, 2012

    Twelve Things The Negro Must Do For Himself By Nannie Helen Burroughs

    Twelve This The Negro Must Do For Himself
    Nannie Helen Burroughs

    Twelve Things The Negro Can Do For Himself was written by Ms. Nannie Helen Burroughs sometime in the early 20th century. I often carry this list around with me as a reminder to never take the opportunities I have for granted. Whenever I'm feeling depressed, uninspired or just plain old sorry for myself I frequently refer back to this list. I just thought I would share it on this blog. 

    As you read this list ask yourself if it still applies today and remember it was written in the EARLY 20th century (that's the early 1900's for the slow people)....


    12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself 
    By Nannie Helen Burroughs 

    1. The Negro Must Learn To Put First, The First Things Are: Education; Development of Character Traits; A Trade and Home Ownership.

    The Negro puts too much of his earning in clothes, in food, in show and in having what he calls “a good time”. The Dr. Kelly Miller said, The Negro buys what he WANTS and begs for what he Needs”. Too true!

    2. The Negro Must Stop Expecting God and White Folk To Do For Him What He Can Do for Himself.

    It is the “ the Divine Plan”  that the strong help the weak, but eve n God does not do for man what man can do for himself. The Negro will have to do exactly what Jesus told the man (in John 5:8 to do—Carry his own load--“take up your bed and walk”.

    3. The Negro Must Keep Himself, His Children and His Home Clean And Make The Surroundings In Which He Lives Comfortable and Attractive.

    He must learn to “run his community up”--not down. We can segregate by law, we integrate only by living. Civilization is not a matter of race, it is a matter of standards. Believe it or not--some day, some race is going to outdo the Anglo-Saxon completely. It can be the Negro race, if the Negro gets sense enough. Civilization goes up and down that way.

    4. The Negro Must Dress More Approximately For Work And For Leisure.

    Knowing what to wear--how to dress it--when to wear it and where to wear it, are. Earmarks of common sense, culture an also an index to character.

    5. The Negro Must Make his Religion An Everyday Practice And Not Just A Sunday-- Go To-Meeting Emotional Affair.

    6. The Negro Must Highly Resolve To Wipe Out Mass Ignorance.

    The leaders of the race must teach and inspire the masses to become eager and determined to improve mentally, morally and spiritually, and to meet the basic requirements of good citizenship. We should initiate an intense literacy campaign in America, as well as in Africa, Ignorance--satisfied ignorance--is a millstone about the neck of the race. It is democracy’s greatest burden. Social integration is a relationship attained as a result of the cultivation of kindred social ideals, interests and standards. It is a blending process that requires time, understanding and kindred purposes to achieve. Likes alone and not laws can do it.

    7. The Negro Must Stop Charging His Failures Up To His “Color” And To White People’s Attitude.

    The truth of the matter is that good service and conduct will make senseless race prejudice fade like mist before the rising sun. God never intended that a man’s color shall be anything other than a badge of Distinction. It is high time that all races were learning that fact. The Negro must first QUALIFY for whatever position he wants. Purpose, initiative, ingenuity and industry are the keys that all men use to get what they want. The Negro will have to do the same. He must make himself a workman who is too skilled not to be wanted, and to too DEPENDABLE not to be on the job, according to promise or plan.  He will never become a vital factor in industry until he learns to put into his work the vitalizing force of initiative, skill and dependability. He has gone “RIGHTS” mad and “DUTY” dumb.

    8. The Negro Must Overcome His Bad Job Habits.

    He must make a brand new reputation for himself in the world of labor. His bad job habits are absenteeism, funerals to attend, or a little business to look after. The Negro runs an off and on business. He also has a bad reputation for conduct on the job--such as petty quarreling with other help, incessant loud talking about nothing; loafing, carelessness due to lack of job pride; insolence, gum chewing and –too often—liquor drinking. Just plain bad job habits!
        
    9. He Must Improve His Conduct In Public Places.

    Taken as a whole, he is entirely too loud and too ill—mannered.  There is much talk about wiping out racial segregation and also much talk about achieving integration..Segregation is a physical arrangement by which people are separated in various services. It is definitely up to the Negro to wipe out the apparent justification or excuse for segregation. The only effective way to do it is to clean up and keep clean. By practice, cleanliness will become a habit and a habit becomes character.

    10. The Negro Must Learn How To Operate Business For People--Not For Negro People, Only.

    To do business, he must have to remove all typical “earmarks”, businesses practices; measure up to accepted standards and meet stimulating competition, graciously--in fact, he must learn to welcome competition.

    11. The Average So-Called Educated Negro Will Have To Come Down Out Of The Air, He Is Too Inflated Over Nothing. He Needs An Experience Similar To The One That Ezekiel Had—(Ezekiel 3:14-19).

    Otherwise, through indifference, as to the plight of the masses, the Negro, who thinks that he has escaped, will lose his own soul. It will do all leaders to read Hebrew 13:3, and the first Thirty-seven Chapters of Ezekiel.  A race transformation itself through its own leaders and its sensible “common people”.  A race rises on its own wings, or is held down by its own weight. True leaders are never “things apart from the people”. They are the masses. They simply got to the front ahead of the masses. Their only business at the front is to inspire to masses by hard work and noble example and challenge them to “Come on!” Dante stated a fact when he said, “Show the people the light and they will find the way!” There must arise within the Negro race a leadership that is not hunting bargains for itself. A noble example is found in the men and women of the Negro race, who, in the early days, laid down their lives for the people. Their invaluable contributions have not been appraised by the “latter-day leaders”. In many cases, their names would never be recorded, among the unsung heroes of the world, but for the fact that white friends have written them there.

    “Lord, God of Hosts, be With Us Yet”.

    The Negro of today does not realize that, but, for these exhibits A’s, that certainly show the innate possibilities of members of their own race, white people would not have moved to make such princely investments in lives and money, as they have made, for the establishment of schools and for the on-going of the race.

    12. The Negro Must Stop Forgetting His Friends, “Remember”.

    Read Deuteronomy 24:18, Deuteronomy rings the big bell of gratitude. Why? Because an ingrate is an abomination in the sight of God.  God is constantly telling us that “I the Lord thy God delivered you”—through human instrumentalities  The American Negro has had and still has friends—in the North and the South. These friends contributions for the advancement of the race--for their brothers in bonds. The noblest thing that the Negro can do is to live and labor that these benefactors will not have given in vain. The Negro must make his heart warm with gratitude, his lips sweet with  thanks and his heart and mind resolute with purpose to justify the sacrifices and stand on his feet and go forward--“God is no respector of persons. In every nation, he that feareth Him and worketh righteousness is” sure to win out. Get to work! That’s the answer to everything that hurts us. We talk too much about nothing instead of redeeming the time by working.

    R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R

    In spite of race prejudice, America is brim full of opportunities, Go after them!

    Friday, August 17, 2012

    My Invention


    Most of you may not know this, but I am a jack of all trades (or Jackie of all trades rather...LOL!). Yes, I am serious!

    In addition to holding two degrees (and in pursuit of the last...my PhD), I also frequently enroll in technical classes to learn a new trade. I can drive traitor trailers better than any man. I am a filmmaker. I'm a writer/storyteller. I'm interested in learning accounting (I'm actually taking a class in it now). I have begun spending time with a mortician in hopes of learning more about the funeral home business...and opening my own funeral home one day. I am an aspiring genealogist and I'm perusing certification in the field. By trade I am a librarian and I love research....of any kind. With my occupation in mind, I am hoping to create a non-profit that will be responsible for archiving Black America (think: A digital online time capsule of everything black: newspapers, magazines, TV, films, yearbooks from HBCUs and old black segregated high schools etc). I guess we can also add inventor to this list....

    Almost a year ago I created a stretch of an idea that came to me as I was struggling to find a product that meets my needs as a writer. It is a piece of technology that is badly needed for writers, scholars, students etc. After doing some research online I realized quite a few writers were looking for the same product as me! I guess this is how it normally happens: Someone recognizes a void and looks for ways to fill it. Most inventors have been normal people like me and you...not engineers. These folks saw a need and created something to fill that void. Well, that's how this idea came to me.

    So, I stretched out my idea and took it to one of those "invention submission firms," which in my opinion was a complete waste of time. Why? Because companies like Invent Tech are out to make a quick buck...by any means necessary.

    Me: So, I have this great idea for an invention. Here is a stretch. Let me tell you about the product.

    White man: This is nice Ms. "Insert my name." We believe in you. Now give us two thousand dollars and we will start a patent search immediately. If your idea isn't already taken we will need another ten thousand dollars to get the ball rolling and create a prototype...but don't worry about that. If we strongly believe in your idea we will help you come up with the money. We just want 40% of your profits once the manufacturer, engineers, the lawyers and everyone else gets their cut. Does that sound like a good idea to you? 

    Me: Hell no....got me twisted!

    I left their office that day discouraged as hell. In fact, I threw the sketch in my closet and forgot about it. A month ago I pulled that drawing out again. I sat staring at it for thirty minutes trying to decide if I should throw it away or not. When Yellow Bone came over I dropped the sketch on my desk and left well enough alone. Yellow Bone picked up the sketch and asked me about it. 

    Me: It's nothing.

    Yellow Bone: It looks like something to me.

    Me: It's just an idea I came up with. Something I invented to help writers.

    Yellow Bone: It looks good. What are you going to do with it?

    Me: Nothing.

    Yellow Bone (disapproving look): You don't strike me as a quitter. 

    Me: I don't know what to do next. 

    Yellow Bone: You like doing research....figure it out. 

    And that's where I am now....trying to figure out the next step in the process that doesn't involve me handing over my idea to white people, who are looking to take almost half of the profits from it. 

    Lucky for me I have several friends who are fresh out of law school. Some of these people are accountants and business management professionals. A business plan is on the way and I guess I will enter the office of a small business administration some time in the near future.

    Sigh...this is my life!

    Thursday, August 16, 2012

    Like I Said Before...I Pity Heterosexual Black Women!

    I Pity Heterosexual Black Women

    They are the ONLY race of women in the western world that has to deal with this type of stereotypical sexist misogynist bullshit created by the men of their race, who somehow or the other believe their shit don't stink. 

    I agree black women collectively have issues, but honestly WHO THE FUCK ARE BLACK MEN TO CRITICIZE ANYONE IN THIS WORLD??? That's like a crackhead criticizing a heroine addict!

    Niggas y'all ain't no better!

    If you ask me, I think black men are worse off than black women! Not to turn this into a pissing match...but they got some nerve!

    And for those of you asking: "How do you know a black man created this cartoon?" Just look at the contradictions in the nonsense....

    Bubble from 1970s Black woman: "Knows that she has more power being submissive to her man" and here is the contradiction IN THE SAME BUBBLE: "Has a mind of her own." 

    Newsflash: A chick with a mind of her own has all the power in the world! She doesn't need to be submissive to a man to gain what she already has or can obtain in her own right! Being submissive is a CHOICE for her. Unlike a welfare case, she is capable of handling her own business. She has the power to pursue education. She has the power to be a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur etc. She has the power to manipulate man (even as a lesbian, I can tell you it ain't hard...men, especially black men, stop at the pussy...and don't you ever forget it or get it twisted).

    Here is further proof that a black man created this ILLOGICAL bullshit: The chick on the left is a 1970's black woman with all the "good" virtues of a woman (remember this is from the perspective of a black man...and I'm guessing one that was probably not even alive during this period of time). The chick on the right is a modern day black woman with all the "bad" virtues of a modern day woman (likely a woman of his generation). Well, color me stupid but wasn't the chick on the right RAISED by the chick on the left??? Going by this cartoon, couldn't we concluded that the 1970's generation (mothers) FAILED to pass on their "good" virtues to modern day black women (their daughters)???

    Or can we conclude this cartoon is a twisted black male version of history and reality??? I think I will go with this one.

    See...dumbasses don't think before creating garbage.

    I have ALWAYS said the black community's issues are GENERATIONAL, meaning they didn't manifest overnight! Things have simply become almost unbearable over time.

    Back in the day the "weave" was WIGS. Back in the day the out of wedlock rate was still HIGH compared to other races. The breakdown of the black family happened BACK IN THE DAY...not with modern day black women. Modern day black women didn't fuck up the black community...they were born into a fucked up black community...HUGE DIFFERENCE.

    And if we're being honest here we also need to admit that Martin Luther King Jr. and them fucked us all up when they threw away our community for the perks of integration. Unknowingly, these folks took money out of their own community and cleared a path for it to float into other (non-black) communities. Integration was poorly thought out. Our elders unknowingly laid the foundation for the economic deprivation the black community now faces. But that's a whole different blog...

    Men control this world, but trust and believe women have the ability to control men when everything is said and done. Don't believe men? Just imagine if women snapped their legs closed or started fucking each other instead of men. Men would go crazy.

    Anyways...

    Only in the minds of black men were women like Angela Davis, Assata Shakur, Shirley Chisholm submissive female dogs. 

    I just find it amazing that black men, who don't have shit to show for their manhood feel they have the right to demand submission from women (damn the race of the woman). Submission is something that should be earned (if the chick is down for being submissive)...it is not a given simply because you have a dick! This nonsense would be funny if it weren't sad as hell.

    Read the bubbles, look at the pictures and post your comments in the comment section. 

    I am happy to be GAY! If I had to deal with this crap I swear I would jump into the arms of the first white man that looked at me hard. 

    Wednesday, August 15, 2012

    One Thing I Love About Yellow Bone


    Tonight I came home pissed off at the world. Something happened to me today that really makes me almost hate black people in general...or maybe I should say NIGGAS. I don't feel like going into detail on this blog, but believe me I was REALLY REALLY REALLY upset. The one person in the world that was around to hear me rant was Yellow Bone. She silently listened as I ranted for over a half hour. Then she said what she often says to calm me down....

    Yellow Bone: Baby, I love you. Just remember no matter what happens, no matter what you go through, I got your back. 

    I held the phone in silence because I honestly didn't know what to say. I felt bad because this woman is clearly loyal to me, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to return the favor. The only thing I could say was, "Thank you." For a split second I even seconded guessed my decision to end things with her.

    This is one thing I will miss about Yellow Bone. Come hell or high water she has always been there for me, which sets her apart from all the other women that have come and gone.

    Monday, August 13, 2012

    I Wanna Know...

     
    I would like to know why this type of music isn't popular? I love this song! I was driving home tonight listening to this song while thinking about my lady. As I was listening to it, I also started wondering why it's not more popular. Could it be the person singing? I don't know much about Marsha Ambrosius, but I love to hear people singing in the falsetto. She does a great job with this song. Maybe this song would have been more popular if Beyonce were singing it...though I don't think she is the best singer. I wish we could have more music like this! I miss it!

    Sunday, August 12, 2012

    What I Did Today....

    What I Did Today...

    I don't really feel like writing a long blog, but here is a list of things I did today....
    1. I bought some groceries and donated half to a soup kitchen. I also volunteered at said soap kitchen. Why? It's just something I do ever so often because I know what it feels like to go hungry. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
    2. After a restless night of sleep, my soulmate and I got into a fight, disagreement....I'm not sure what to call it. But I think we made up. 
    3. I started a diet because I want my body to be like Janet Jackson's back in the day body. I run two miles a day and I've vowed to eat nothing but veggies, fruits, nuts and fish for a year. No sugar. No candy (my weakness). No junk food. I have one ab now...I need to get the other five to complete my six pack. In addition to running two miles, I'm also doing 200 sit ups a day, 100 push ups and weight training. I will chronicle my progress on this blog.

    Saturday, August 11, 2012

    Damn....I Miss The 90's!

     

    I really miss the 90's! When I get time I'm going to blog about my love for 90's music. In the meantime enjoy this old school jam. I cannot count the number of times Yellow Bone and I have made love to this song. It never fails. If you want to seduce a black woman or get her to give up the panties, throw on some soft R&B music. 

    Friday, August 10, 2012

    Maybe It's The Guilt Eating Away At Me


    Today I sent Yellow Bone the edible arrangement pictured above. Tomorrow morning she's going home to Detroit to visit her family. She will be gone for a week. I included this note with the edible arrangement...

    Have a safe trip! Call me after you've made it to Detroit so I know you arrived safely. 
    Love,
    "Insert My Name"
    After she received the edible arrangement she sent me a text message that read:

    Thank you for the beautiful edible arrangement boo! I will miss you. I will call ASAP. I love you!

    One of the reasons I sent the edible arrangement is because I feel guilty. I've fallen for another woman and there is nothing I can do about it. Yellow Bone is going to be hurt regardless and I'm hoping to soften the blow. I do care for her deeply. I don't want to see her hurting...least of all over me. 

    I feel guilty as hell. That guilt cuts like a knife every time I hear Yellow Bone say, "I love you." 

    Her week away is a blessing in disguise because it will give me time to decide when/how to break up with her. I already decided she doesn't need to know about the other woman. I don't want a replay of the scene we had the last time I broke up with her so I'm going to proceed with caution this time. I just hope she and I can be friends after everything is said and done.

    Tuesday, August 7, 2012

    Facing My Fears


    I know sometimes I come across as arrogant and confident on this blog, but nothing is further from the truth. I'm actually quite vulnerable and I second guess myself often. I put on a brave front but deep down inside I'm afraid of many things. As much as I talk about finding the right woman and starting a family I'm actually afraid of doing just that.

    The woman of my dreams entered my life a few weeks ago. For the record she feels the same way about me. I didn't see it coming. I've been knocked out of my comfort zone because I don't know what comes next. I found myself pushing her away (again). Not because I actually want her to go away, but because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't live up to her expectations. I'm afraid I won't be able to catch her when she's falling. I'm afraid I won't be what she needs. 

    Why? 

    Because I haven't lived up to my own expectations yet. While I would hardly call myself a failure of a bum, I can honestly say I'm not where I want to be in life. I'm not where I think I should be at twenty-seven years old. I'm still a work in progress.

    This isn't something I just feel with this particular woman. I feel it with almost every woman that has entered my life. 

    As much as I want my dream woman and kids, I don't feel like I can adequately be a provider right now. I have the potential to be something great. I know my time is coming, but I feel like I'm coming up short right now. I'm struggling out here on my own...I don't know if it's right to drag another person into my life at this point. I hope that makes sense. 

    It would be nice to meet someone who doesn't mind struggling right along with me, but I think this is too much to ask of someone in this day and age...especially a woman interested in starting a family. I think most women want to be comfortable in life and they want someone to provide. I want very much to be the breadwinner of my family but I haven't made it to this point yet. 

    When I'm afraid I start pushing people away. I know I need to stop. I want to stop. My dream woman is standing right in front of me. I should be going hard to win her heart. I shouldn't let anything or anyone (sorry Yellow Bone) stand in the way.

    But I'm scared as hell!

    I'm scared I might not live up to her expectations of me. I don't want a woman to look at me the same way I look at my father. I believe I have potential, but that potential hasn't manifested or monetized yet. Whoever I end up with will have to cope with that reality....and that's why I find myself wanting to be with this woman one minute and pushing her away the next.

    P.S. To all you Yellow Bone lovers...yeah I guess I'm that bastard! It's just a matter of time before I break her heart again.
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