Sunday, May 27, 2012

I Think I Hate My Mother...Yes I'm Serious Part Two

I wrote part one of this blog well over a year ago. I never got around to writing part two because this is probably the most personal post (series) on this blog. I don't talk about my family very much and I suppose there is a reason for that. It is a part of me that I hold dear and it's also the part that troubles me the most.

It is hard to talk about. One of the reasons I found myself writing part one of this particular post is because my mother made so unbelievably angry the day I wrote it. I needed to vent. My emotions were in pissed off mode. I wasn't fair or objective. I don't hate my mother...but I don't think I really like her either. It is complicated. One of the reasons I find it so hard to watch the film, Precious, is because I see a lot of my mother in the character played by Monique. There are times I wish I had a closer relationship with my mother, but then there are times I'm glad we're not close. There are times she surprises me but then most of the time she lives up to whatever disappointment I might feel (and honestly I don't feel much of it for her at this point). Our relationship went from good to bad to unhealthy to non-existent in the 26 (almost 27) years I've been on this earth. Like I have always said, my grandmother has been more of a mother to me than my mom. It's amazing that I even call her mama.

Anyway, as requested I'll finish what I started...

After my mother lost her job at the textile company things pretty much went down hill for my nuclear family. My father, for a number of self-inflicted reasons, could never successfully hold a job and as long as I could remember my mother was always addicted to work and hungry for money...even if it meant sacrificing her family. For example, when I recently found I have Acid Reflux Disease and needed to undergo a test to determine the damage to my body (the name of the test eludes me right now) one of the first people I called was my mother.

My parents live about 130 miles south of me. The doctor told me I needed to have someone (preferably a family member) at the hospital with me because they were going to put me asleep and I needed someone to drive me home afterwards (despite the fact that I literally live right up the street from the hospital). This is how my conversation with my mother went....

Me: Yeah ma they said I need a member of my family to be with me. It's probably smart to have one of my parents there just in case something happens and someone needs to make some decisions. And I really need to have this test done because my stomach is killing me. I think I might have a ulcer or something.

My mother: Well, I gotta work that day. I can't do it.

When I need my mother she has rarely been there for me. I don't even know why I bothered to call her.

Anyway, after mama lost her job shit went down hell for my family. She was already a different woman from the playful/friendly woman I knew as a child. When she lost her job and financial stability became a thing of the past shit really hit the fan. Two things made it worse: 1). My older brother, who was my father's step-son began to rebel and disrespect my father and 2). My mother found out daddy and my friend's mother (the one who lived a few doors down from us in our apartment complex) were getting a little too friendly.

Because my mother was working all the time my brothers and I were either at home alone or at home with my dad. Once my older brother became a teenage the hatred he'd held for my father began pouring out. And to be honest it was completely justified. My father never treated by older brother right. He physically abused him (and he verbally abused him too). I always thought he was hard on both me and him, but the ass whippings he gave me were nothing compared to those he gave my older brother (he never hit my younger brother...who I believe is his favorite between the two of us). I witnessed it with my own two eyes many times. Those whippings were so bad I would start crying and it wasn't even me getting beat. 

My older brother shared a room with my younger brother and whenever something popped off between the two of them my dad always took my younger brother's side. I watched my younger brother, who was well aware of my dad's biased attitude, take advantage of the situation. It pissed me off so much that I would personally serve my younger brother the ass whipping I felt he deserved. I mean I would beat the hell out of the little annoying bastard. I think I took my personal rage about the situation out on my younger brother (I can remember throwing a battery--one of those big heavy batteries--and hitting him hard in the back).

I'm not sure if my mom knew about the abuse or not, but I'm positive she suspected it. I think she just ignored it for a long time. I don't know why. She probably had her reasons (the main one being she had two kids with my dad and being a single mother with three kids would make any woman nervous about entering the world alone). But there came a point when she couldn't ignore it.

There were times I had to pick up the phone and call the police on my father because the fights were so bad and out of control. The cops would show up, arrest him and later he would convince my mother to convince my older brother to lie in court. That is how my dad beat the charges of abuse each and every time. At one point my dad tried to get me and little brother to lie for him in court, but I flat out refused and my younger brother was just too much of a punk to do it. I think that was the one and only time my father received any type of punishment for his behavior (he got a misdemeanor).

I think I found out the name and location of my older brother's father before he did. I was twelve years old when my dad told me, my little brother, and probably anyone that would listen. He told us to get back at my mother, who was leaving him at that point. My older brother's parentage is a sad and frightening story in itself (one that I will NOT share on this blog). It is something I wish I didn't know. It is something a 12 year old shouldn't have been told. It is something so bad my mother didn't tell my brother until he was 22 years old and she only told him then because she couldn't realistically put it off any longer.

Anyway, after mama found out dad was kicking it with my friend's mother she packed us up in her car and decided to leave my dad. This was the first time she made any attempt to leave him. I remember it vividly. The whole apartment complex must have been watching as mama was driving off with daddy on the car (he literally jumped on the car to stop her from leaving). I was shocked by the whole thing. She took us to her friend's house where we spent the night only to return back home to my dad the next day. 

Financial problems, issues with my older brother, possible infidelity tore my family apart, but none of it made my mother permanently leave my dad. The thing that finally put the nail in the coffin was when she learned he was stealing money from her checking account to pay a monthly gym membership. That sent my mother out the door!

I remember she and her uncle moved all our stuff out of the apartment one day while we were at school. I discovered this when me and my younger brother arrived home from school. My dad, mom and my older brother (along with his friends who jumped into the mix) were involved in a physical altercation before we left. It wouldn't be their last physical fight.

My father moved in with his mother, my grandmother.

Our new apartment was small, and not as well maintained physically as our old place. However, it had one advantage: My mother's sister (and my favorite aunt) lived a few apartments down from us. She took us to school everyday and did as much as she could for us.

My mother had another job at this point, but it was shitty. It didn't pay much and her mother ended up having to help us survive. My mother and her mother aren't close so it shocked everyone that she even bothered to help my mother out. I think she mainly did it because she hated my father (the two of them have a twisted history in the court system too...though I will admit it was grandma's fault and not my dad's fault). She wanted my mother to leave him. At the time she thought my dad was solely the problem (funny enough she would later regret having judged him so harshly...which is another long story).

I hated life in our new apartment. I was 13 years old, just starting middle school, and my body was going through changes. I was depressed all the damn time. I never left my room and stopped talking to my brothers and my mother. The only thing that brought me any type of comfort was books, soap operas and spending time with my grandmother on my father's side. Visits with her served as visits with my dad too because he was living there.

I became obsessed with the character,  Lucky Santangelo from the Jackie Collins series. Looking back now I think my obsession with the fictional character was unhealthy...or maybe it was a coping mechanism. I don't know.The character and her attitude became a role model of sorts to me. I wanted to be just like her. I admired her attitude. My obsession with that character was so deep that I took a liking to many of the things she liked in the book. I lost a lot of weight (I was a plump awkward teenager at this point). I changed my hair (with the help of my daddy's sister). Before I was slapping gel all over my head just like all by BALD-HEADED black friends. My aunt taught me how to wrap my hair. She taught me what to put on my hair. She taught me how to care for my hair...things my mother should have taught me, but failed to do. In one year I went from having hair that barely went pass my ears (and usually I wore it in a donut roll like my friends) to having hair well down my back. I developed a "fuck you" type attitude...just like the character. I guess I basically came into my own and my self-esteem went through the roof. I had swaggar. I looked in the mirror and I liked what I did the kids at school. I became very popular in school. This is also around the time I accepted (key word) what I already knew (and have known probably since age 5): I knew I was gay.

The thing I remember most about this period in my life other than the depression was feeling hungry all the time. We never had any food in the house. My father, who again couldn't keep a job, didn't pay my mother any child support and my mother, who I think had too much pride to apply for foodstamps, wasn't bringing in enough money to keep us happily feed. She didn't cook a lot at this point and because she stayed pissed off/stressed all the time I think my brothers and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She had a nack for taking her anger out of us both verbally and physically. I remember she beat me so bad with a broom that I couldn't get up and go to school the next day. At that age I was incapable of understanding her issues. All I knew was that I was hungry as hell all the time and she was responsible for breaking up the stability of my family (or at least that's the way I viewed it at the time...I never went hungry when she was with my dad).

The hunger is something I pray I never feel again. I used to be so hungry I would cry myself to sleep. I used to be so hungry I would consciously think about stealing food and money. The more I heard my stomach growling from hunger pains the more my hatred/resentment of my mother grew. It was a deep hot hatred that grew in me. I became hard and unsympathetic to her issues/plight. In my mind this shit, my hunger/sorrow, was all her doing. Words cannot express the resentment I felt coming home from school, opening the refrigerator and finding nothing but water and old potatoes (which my brothers and I did cook). I don't care what anyone says...hunger and poverty can drive a person mad. I have experienced it...I know it well. The only times I ever got a decent meal is when I went to school, dad brought us some groceries or I went to stay with my dad and grandmother.

Sometimes my younger brother and I would get on the phone and beg our dad to bring us some food. I think my grandmother (ever mindful of the situation) would give him some money and he would bring us a car full of groceries, which we shared with my mother and older brother. Still it was never sufficient. I stayed hungry, mad as hell and resentful.

If I needed my hair done my father made sure I had the money to get it done. If I needed money for school my father made sure I had money. If I called my daddy for anything (and still do today) he always made sure I had it...or at least he made an effort to get it. At some point, I think around age 15 I began to openly favor my father over my mother...

To be continued...

Masculine Black Lesbians (Probably Should Read Masculine Black Women In General)

Maybe I do suffer from some sort of self-hate because overall I find MANY (not most) black women, whether gay or straight, masculine. I really cannot explain why I view so many straight black women as masculine, but the reason I view so many black lesbians as masculine is obvious: Most of those I run across ARE masculine in nature. Any and all traces of femininity are usually absent. It disgust me. I love a feminine woman. Unfortunately, I don't run across too many black lesbians who come across as feminine to me. It's the complete opposite with non-black women/lesbians. Not only do I find the women feminine but overall I find them more appealing than black lesbians. Let me explain...

See the chick in the picture? Her name is Sajdah Golde. She is a cast member on the reality television show, The Real L Word. I don't have anything personally against Sajdah but physically I find her unattractive. Everything from the way that she dresses to the way she looks/talks is unattractive to me. Her features are unattractive to me. She comes across as not only masculine but HYPER-masculine. All sense of femininity is GONE. She displays just about every stereotypical trait I hate in black men, which is the case for MOST black lesbians I ran across. 

I don't understand it. I don't understand why Black WOMEN would imitate the nonsense so many of us HATE in black men, but that seems to be the case with black lesbians. Everything from the sagging pants, cornrows, tattoos, ebonics is imitated. Sajdah is supposed to be educated but she doesn't come across as educated to me. I've seen a picture of her when she was supposedly going through her denial stage and she looked like a feminine woman...

and she didn't look so bad. In fact, she looked 10 times better! Her features, for whatever reason, didn't look as harsh as they do in the picture on the right.

I can't help but compare her to the rest of the cast on the show. 

The whites girls (even the butch chick in the back far left) come across as feminine to me. Whitney, who I consider a tomboy, comes against as feminine (and sexy...I would screw her).

 Whereas Sadjah stands out as the ugly stereotypical black lesbian they put on the show to add diversity. Look at these pictures and tell me I'm lying...

                              Bad ass white lesbians from The Real L Word

                              Bad ass white girls from The Real L Word

              Bad ass white girl from The Real L Word with Sadjah in the picture

       Bad ass white girls from The Real L Word with Sadjah in the picture

         Bad ass white girls from The Real L Word with Sadjah in the picture

Just looking at the pictures I can honestly say the white chicks appeal to me more.  And I feel bad for feeling that way but it is the truth.

Why in God's name couldn't they find some attractive FEMININE black lesbians in LA to be on this show???

There plenty of them out there because I have seen them. LA has some of the best looking black women I've ever seen in my life! Even Sadjah's girlfriend, Chanel Brown, on this show is a banger...

They should have made Chanel the central black character on this show. I can look at her and say "Damn she's bad." In my opinion she blows the white chicks on this show out the water. I can compare her beauty to their beauty and feel good about it because I know she can kick ass in that department. I cannot say the same for Sadjah and I think this crap might be intentional on the part of the producers of this show.

A bad ass black woman will walk all over a bad ass white woman each and every time. The powers that be know it and aim to show black women in an unappealing light in order to hype up white women and keep the myth of white supremacy alive.

Anyway, rant over.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I Changed My Mind...I'm Not Really Up For Being The Sole or Main Provider For My Family

Since I've been living COMPLETELY on my own I've come to one very important conclusion: I cannot see myself solely supporting a family on my own. 

If you've been paying attention you know I wanted a situation where my woman wouldn't have to work. I wanted to provide for her every need and have a situation where she either stayed home with OUR kids or did whatever it is she likes to do. Needless to say I was naive as hell. I see now this OLD FASHIONED shit is NOT the business.

Not only will my woman HAVE to work, but she will need to be bringing in a fair share of the household income. When I thought about ALL the crap we need in life (it took me finally getting my own place minus any roommates to see it) the light-bulb came on. 

  1. Rent/Mortgage payments
  2. Car note, gas, car insurance
  3. House insurance
  4. Health insurance
  5. Other utilities (gas, power, cable, water, sewer, property tax etc).
  6. Kids's needs (school supplies, books, clothes, etc).
  7. Food
  8. Kids' education (College savings plan)
  9. Our retirement accounts (Social security probably won't be around when I get old).
  10. An adequate savings account.
  11. Life insurance
  12. Possible daycare expenses. 
  13. Miscellaneous expenses (nights out on the town, kids' soccer games etc).
  14. Our needs (clothes, shoes, hair etc). 
  15. Unseen expenses (medical bills not covered by insurance etc).
  16. Student loans (Yeah I got a few and I suspect she will have some too).
Just look at that list. That is probably $2500+ worth of expenses every month.  I don't want to pay this by myself. So that broad needs to be coming to the table with her share of the bills.

Marriage is on my mind more than ever before, but taking care of another able body adult ain't happening. The ONLY way I see it happening is IF I'm ever blessed with a load of cash.

Then there is this thought: If she and I divorce, who would get the house and the stuff we've worked together to build??? 

Next question: Do I really want to slave away for most my life only to have my ex-wife walk off with the fruits of my labor??? Then I would have to pull an O.J. Simpson because I would be REALLY pissed if she were living in the house I PAID FOR with another chick.

Now I understand how men feel!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Donna Summers: Another Sexy Black Woman Gone Too Soon.

Damn we lost another one! All the beautiful, classy, on-point old school singers are dying off. Donna Summers was a beautiful black woman that brought the fire in the 1970s and 1980s. She came along when the music industry required singers to be talented! She did some acting too (I remember her from Family Matters). I personally would take a lady like Donna Summers over Beyonce, Rihanna or any of the hoochiefied skanks we have out today. 

May she rest in peace.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Me & Yellow Bone's Love Making Song!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Man I Really Dig SOME White Women!

See the lady in the picture? Her name is Joanna Johnson. She is an actress probably best known for her role as Caroline Spencer on the soap opera The Bold & The Beautiful.....

As you can see the woman was a BANGER in her prime! She was and still is beautiful!

I've been a fan of  The Bold & The Beautiful since I was a child. This was one of those soap operas my grandmother watched so I was forced to watch it too. However, when Ms. Johnson was on the show I a toddler. And when she was killed off in 1990 I was five years old. Still over the years I've watched youtube clips featuring her and other characters on the show so I've always known who she was and what character she played. I've always been impressed because she always came across as the sophisticated beautiful chick (exactly the type I'm most attracted to...She also always reminded me of Blair from The Facts of Life). Just last week I was watching Youtube clips featuring her.

Well, imagine my surprise when I read today that she came out of the closet!!!! She did an interview with TV Guide and you can read it by clicking this link.

I wish I could find a woman like this woman. Race isn't a factor. I'm looking for love. And today this woman captured my heart.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Neo-Soul Type Black Lesbians

I would really like to meet some "neo-soul" type black lesbians. I'm fairly certain that no such type exist here in Atlanta (or elsewhere in the south) because we seem to only have five types of black women here (whether gay or straight): 

  1. Skank Ass Tattooed Down Hoodrats
  2. Fine Ass Tattooed Down Hoodrats
  3. Fat Ass Tattooed Down Hoodrats
  4. Average Homely Chicks
  5. Plain ol' regular/average looking black women (the difference between them and the homely chicks is they make an effort to fix themselves up)

I rarely run across the Neo-Soul type here and if I do she isn't usually from here. She is usually from up North somewhere. 

What is the Neo-Soul Type? For me the Neo-Soul type typically have the following characteristics:

  1. Natural hair.
  2. They are typical spiritual and soulful.
  3. Many tend to be feminist.
  4. They tend to be health conscious.
  5. They tend to be naturally beautiful or at least aware of their natural beauty.
  6. They're music reflects their style and mindset (they on some deeper shit). 
  7. They tend to be motherly or one would consider them good mother material. 

I suppose this list could go on and on.

Truthfully this is the type of black woman I find myself the most attracted to and that's because I find them so beautiful inside and out. I like them because they can seduce my mind, which for me is far better than someone who can only screw me physically. 

Anyway, if you're that type or you know someone who is that type EMAIL ME:

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Is This Chick Serious??? Don't Write Me With This Gawdamn Bullshit!

Yo today I was minding my own damn business when I received this email from a chick in the UK....

Hi LizIntellect:

I came across your page on the internet.
I am a very sexual woman - married - but have always wanted a lesbian relationship. I live in the UK and therefore not near you, but how can you help me with my love for women?  What should I do?  Any tips?

Thanks for your time...
This broad obviously doesn't read this blog because if she did she would know I hate bisexuals, confused chicks, experimental bitches or whatever you want to call them.

My reply to her: 

I can’t help you. If you’re married you should stick with your husband. You made a vow...see it through. Lesbianism isn’t something that you just turn on and turn off.

Her reply to me:

Thanks. You cant help, thats ok, but do not discourage me.  I want a lesbian experience and will proceed to find one.
All the best..

My reply to her (the picture below is what I'm thinking to myself):

I am fairly confident that one day I'm going to read a headline titled:  

Lesbian Kills Bisexual/Confused Experimental Lover Because The Bitch Played With Her Emotions!

This right here is why I don't fuck with bisexual and confused hoes. 

This trick is MARRIED and craving some pussy. Damn the lesbian's feelings. What the hell is her "experimental lover" supposed to do when she runs back to her HUSBAND? This broad is going to get someone hemmed the fuck up messing around with her trifling ass. But guess what? She probably doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself in this situation.

Confused hoes! I tell you...stay in your lane!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Ask Me Anything On Skype Sunday, May 13, 2012 @ 7:00 PM EST

If you've read this blog you know my life is pretty much an open book. However, I know some of you are just burning to ask me about something you've read on this blog. Well, this is your opportunity. I will answer all of your questions. You will get to hear my voice (if you haven't already). You might even get to see my face. For all my new readers (and there are quite a few) you will get to pick my brain and "meet" me so to speak. 

On Sunday May 13, 2012 at 7:00 PM EST I will be holding a conference call on Skype. This is my first time doing this short of thing. In order to participate in the conference call you will need to create an account on Skype and I will need to add you as a friend.  

This will be a voice call (as opposed to a video chat) so you don't have to show your face at all. However, you will need a mic. I think it's possible for me to call your phone too, but don't quote me on that.

Once you create an account on Skype drop your username in the comment section of this post or send it to me by email at I will add you to my friend's list. OR you can add me to your friend's list. My username on Skype is lez.intellect.

Make sure you are on Skype at 7:00 PM EST on Sunday, May 13, 2012.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My Property Manager

As many of you know I had a thing for the property manager of my apartment complex. I had a huge crush on the woman. She knew it. I went so far as to send her chocolate covered strawberries (which she later told me she gave to her staff...because she doesn't eat chocolate). To make a long story short she blew me off and I moved on. I don't think about her anymore. I put the whole situation out of my mind. It helps that I have other issues to think about.

Anyway, I noticed whenever I go into the rent office to pay my rent or call the rent office she is avoiding me or she is unavailable. 

Most people know when someone is going out of their way to avoid them. 

She was the only person in the rent office I did business with as it pertains to my issues with the apartment complex. This wasn't due only to my crush on her. In general I find her staff to be incompetent. So she was the only individual I wanted to do business with and she was ALWAYS available for me. Now whenever I call and ask specifically for her I have to go through a third party, who usually calls me back with her reply. When I go into the rent office she suddenly turns and leaves the area. 

And's not just my imagination. It is plain to see she is avoiding me.

When I went into the rent office to pay my rent for May her behavior caught me so off guard. I started to ask her, "What is the problem?" 

It feels like I have cooties or something!

I'm trying hard not to get pissed off, but it really bothers me that I wasted my time, energy and money on this bitch. Like I said, I'm over her. Treat me with some dignity. Avoiding me is not called for in this situation. She rejected me and I got over it. We can still be civil to each other.

What do you think?

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sex Therapy? I'm A Believer! Sometimes You Just Need Some Pussy!

Last night I broke one of my own casual sex. I fucked my friend...twice! I guess I should start from the beginning....

I've been feeling down lately because I have a lifelong disease (acid reflux) and I'm only 26 years old. My head has been really fucked up because I have to stay stress free, stop letting shit bother me, find some way to cope with tension, change my diet (I can no longer eat the foods I least not without moderation) and I have to be more of a health nut. When you think about it like that the shit is stressful in itself.

So anyway I've been cramped up in my apartment the entire week. Honestly I haven't left it since Monday. Friday night my friend calls me up and invites me out. I decline. An hour and a half later she's on my doorstep looking damn good in a tight fitting "club dress" (you know the type of dress black women wear to the club...the type that shows off their legs, ass and curves). I let her inside. One thing leads to a another. Next thing I know we are in my bed getting it in and then some.

About this friend:

I met this chick a few months ago. She'd just moved to my area from Detroit, Michigan. She is 27 years old, yellow bone, phat ass, nice breast and she looks a lot like Deelishis from Flavor of Love. I tell you no lie this woman could be her younger sister or something that's how much they look alike. If you saw her I'm sure you would fuck her too!

I like this friend, but I can't take her out of the "friend zone" because that's where she started with me. She likes to tease me about it because it's clear she doesn't want to be just my friend. However, once you get put in the "friend zone" you're pretty much stuck there....weird I know! I just hope she doesn't get caught up and end up getting hurt.

Anyway we fucked all night and we did it again the next morning. It did help me feel better. Pussy is a powerful thing. Sex really does work y'all...I'm a believer!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Who Knew There Were So Many Unhappy Black Lesbians?

I get quite a few emails from lesbians all over the world. Most of those lesbians are black and most of them write me saying something along the lines of, "Damn...I can relate to what you're saying. I'm not feeling other black lesbians either and I think it's our culture." 

How sad is this shit? Who knew it was so many of us unhappy with each other???

I honestly thought it was just me. I thought maybe it was just my bad luck with the fucked up black lesbians here in Atlanta, but I see now I was wrong. We are just a screwed up race of people. 

Because I was raised by my grandmother I think I'm a bit old fashioned. My expectations for black women are high. Now that I'm getting older I'm looking to settle down, put down some roots and I just don't have time for the bullshit. Seems there are others in this world that feel exactly like me. 

Who knew?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Stress & Health

I spent last night in the emergency room.

Why? Because I was told I have Laryngopharynegeal Reflux Disease.

What caused it? Being that I'm in good physical shape the most logical answer is stress.

Solution: Once again I'm done with black women and I'm done working bullshit jobs.
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