Friday, April 9, 2010

She’s Happily Living Her Life…Without Me

My ex-girlfriend—the woman I believed was the love of my life had her second child—a baby girl—by her live in boyfriend. The two of them are a pair of swingers. They are in an open relationship. She seems happy. It makes me sick to see her so happy. Am I a bitch for wishing misery on another person or is this just my bitterness talking? Or am I justified in feeling this way considering the circumstances--my on-again-off-again relationship with this woman came to an end when I found out she was pregnant from her MySpace page.

I admit maybe I wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world. At the time of our relationship I was all of 21 years old. She was thinking kids—I was thinking sex, money, women, school, and more sex. We weren’t on the same page and I admit maybe I was a little verbally abusive at times. There were times she made me so mad that I consciously thought about putting my hands on her--though I never did. There were times she made me so mad that I verbally attacked her to the point that she would cry, something I knew would happen because she is so sensitive. There were times I spoke my mind without regards to her feelings with the intention of making her cry. The only justification I have for my behavior is that I was young and dumb though that’s no excuse. Every time I think of how I treated her I cry. She’ll never know how much I regret my behavior.

Yes, I was an asshole, but still I did love her and I made it a habit to tell her so everyday. Looking back now I don’t think I ever got that love back. Looking back now I don’t think her heart truly belonged to me. Maybe I knew it at the time but I chose to ignore it because she was everything I was looking for in a woman—sweet, naturally beautiful, childless, educated, and submissive. Because I knew she didn’t love me the way I wanted her to love me—and because I knew she loved HIM—I became resentful. I remember when we made love I would be so aggressive with her—something I knew she hated—as if I were trying to punish her. I cry even harder when I think about this action from me.

I can still remember the last conversation we had before I found out about her pending pregnancy on her MySpace page. She had already started to pull away from me and in my gut I knew something was wrong. “I want to see you,” I said over the phone. “No, every time I look at you I think about all things you’ve put me through,” she said. At the time In disbelief, my response to her was, “Do you think about the three thousand dollar diamond ring I bought you? The one you gave back less than a month later? Do you think about the times I skipped work and school to take care of you when you were sick? Do you think about the times when I held you in the middle of the night whenever you were having a nightmare about your mother’s death or your father’s sexual abuse? Because I think about those times and they’ll live in my memory forever.” At that point I got the dial tone. It would be two years later that we would come face-to-face and I would be allowed to apologize.

For a long time after we broke up I had a string of bad luck and I thought I was being punished for the pain I inflicted on her. I’ve come to terms with my actions even though I still bust into tears whenever I think about them. I think it will haunt me for years and years to come. Perhaps this is why I’ve had such a hard time finding love again. I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t ever take another woman for granted again. In the meantime I can’t do anything but sit on the sideline and watch her live happily…without me.
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