Friday, December 24, 2010

All I Want For Christmas Is A Chick Like This! My New Dream Woman: Tajah Burton


I've been M.I.A. for a minute but I'm back now. I just finished my first semester of graduate school with a perfect 4.0! It's the first time in my life I've ever achieved that feat. I'm happy as hell about it, but I know the hard stuff is coming. Still life is pretty damn good right now. I have no major complaints. I've been working, building my savings account, and just trying to get ahead in the world. You know I gotta make this dough so hopefully I can settle down, marry my dream woman, buy a house, and raise a family.

Speaking of dream woman peep the beautiful woman up above! I first read about Ms. Tajah Burton on Bossip. She's a lesbian ex-video model from California who is currently writing a book about her life and pursing her education in graduate school. It turns out we got some things in common. We're both in graduate school. We're both business minded women. We've both been in abusive relationships(I've been both the abuser (verbally) and the abused). We both love to write. We both gave up going to law school to pursue our dreams. We both have been through some shit concerning our sexuality before coming to terms with it and loving ourselves. Now we both have our heads on straight. I think I'm in love!

Man when I first read about this woman and saw her picture I thought to myself, "Damn why the hell can't I find a woman like that in Atlanta?" The women here are nothing but uneducated, baby making, stereotypical hoodrats. It is so hard to find a black lesbian here who doesn't have children, hasn't been run through sexually, and doesn't have some type of mental hangup from being hurt in the past. I'm not just saying that to be mean either. It's so rare that I run across a black lesbian here with her shit together that I doubletake three or four times when I see one that is together. It's so bad now that I've tied this bad image to ALL black lesbians. So when I run across a black lesbian like Ms. Tajah Burton I'm literally blown away!

As much as I talk about giving up on black women and loving "Becky" I really do want a black woman deep down in my heart. Make no mistake about it, there is NOTHING better than a black woman with her shit in order. Seeing a black woman with her stuff together does something to me and I desire her more than ANY other race of woman. The problem is I rarely run across black women that match this description.

Anyway, back to Tajah Burton--I wish I could have a conversation with this woman. I'm intrigued by her. She is an exceptional woman and I like that! When I read that one of her ex-girlfriends fractured her cheek I felt myself getting angry. I swear some people don't know how good they got it. If I had a woman like this I would treat her like GOLD. She wouldn't ever have to worry about me coming at her the wrong way. She would get the five star treatment from me. It's shocking how some people blow their blessing, but then again who am I to talk. I've done my dirt too, but I've NEVER put my hands on a woman. Still you live and you learn. I've learned my lesson. If I ever meet a woman like this I swear as God as my witness I will treat her right. I put that on my life!

Maybe by some miracle Ms. Tajah Burton will run across this blog. One can only hope! I'll keep fantasizing about her while listening to this song...


Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Can't Deal With "Lesbians" With Kids-Yes I'm Saying It Again-Deal With It

Yo, if you have been paying attention to this blog then you know I have received more feedback from the blog about my distaste for lesbians with children than any other post on this blog. To me that really says a lot. MOST black lesbians I run across have kids, and because I don't want to walk into a ready made family THOSE women are ignored by me. People can get mad about it, send me some hate mail, whatever, but that is my PREFERENCE. I prefer a woman who does not have kids. I have a hard time viewing "lesbians" with children by men (as in they got them the old fashion way) as lesbians...I'm just being real. 

Many of those I have run across with children by men are in actuality BISEXUAL and I wish they would identify as such. However, because they have had such bad experiences with men or find themselves so undesirable by men they feel a woman would/should be more acceptable/loving of them and there kids. I'm living proof that this is NOT true. Some women can deal with the bullshit...I freely admit that I cannot. 

Black women, whether claiming to be gay or straight, have an issue taking birth control. I don't think some realize just how rare it is that I run across a black lesbian here in Atlanta who does NOT have children. It should NOT be that way. I am far more likely to run across a white lesbian who does NOT have children than a black lesbian who doesn't have children and the question I always ask myself is WHY? I don't have an answer, but I do know a lesbian with kids turns me off quicker than anything. 

Don't get me wrong. I want kids! I just don't anyone else's kids. HER kids are just that...HER kids.  I want a woman I can start a family with...not one who already has a family. If some of you out there cannot understand that you can kiss my ass. I'm sick of explaining myself on this issue. I'm not the one in the wrong here for having the good gawdamn sense to only have my kids by ONE individual who doesn't already have kids from a previous relationship. 

I am frustrated! Just plain sick of the bullshit and baggage black women come to the table with. The only comfort I have is I'm not the only individual dealing with this issue. Just listen---


Thursday, September 16, 2010

The 80/20 Rule Doesn't Apply To The Black Community Or The Black Lesbian/Gay Community

As much as I've talked about giving up on black women and dating exclusively outside of my race, up until this morning that wasn't an option. I thought for sure that I would end up with a black woman, but now I think otherwise. In fact, I don't think you could pay me to date another black lesbian. Every time I try it's the same old script with a different co-star. Black women are far too damn stubborn, self-destructive, argumentative, and come with too much baggage (i.e., kids) for me to ever seriously consider dating another one. 

What brought this on? I won't say. But I will say that I'm beginning to see just how rare of a "good" girl that I am. I don't smoke, drink, barely ever curse, carry myself respectfully, I am focused on school/success, childless, good-looking, and I'm alone. However, I keep running across the complete opposite of myself. There is no such thing as a LADY anymore when it comes to black women. Most out here are hoodrats and someone's babymama. The unladylike behavior/lack of femininity has turned me off to such an extinct that even the most beautiful of black lesbians are deemed ugly once I learn of their behavior and habits (i.e., smoking like there is no tomorrow). It really is no wonder why black men are dropping black women and moving on to other races of women. I'm experiencing the same "awakening:" Black women--black lesbians--are in bad shape and it disgust the hell out of me. I would issue a disclaimer here and proclaim this is only an ATLANTA problem but I know better than that. This is probably a black woman--gay or straight--problem period. Black women DON'T know how to act like ladies anymore and many probably don't give a fuck.

The 80/20 rule--you know the rule that proclaims we will only find 80% of what we're looking for in a person and the other 20% must be worked on--is bullshit when it comes to black lesbians. The reality is the rule is flipped and I'm only encountering 20% of what I'm looking for while the 80% is bullshit no one in their right mind would accept in another human being who they wish to form a life long partnership with.

*Sigh* To be continued---

Friday, August 20, 2010

My Head Hurts!

I started my masters program this week and I'm reminded of why I needed a break from higher education. Already I'm being loaded down with work. Sigh...I guess I should just be happy that I'm not paying for it--that's right y'all my education is paid for by daddy's veteran's benefits. I suppose this is reason enough to suck it up and get my ass in gear.

On a lighter note....a lady from my past has popped back into my life.  Yeah she called me out of no where. I'm not going to say much about her right now, but she does have a special place in my heart....but only as a friend.

Monday, July 5, 2010

About To Lose My Mind Here In Atlanta

I am so tried of running across black lesbians who are UNATTRACTIVE and just plain UNDESIRABLE. Trying to find a black lesbian here in Atlanta who is in shape, doesn't have any kids, has her own hair, has her mind right (some form of education and intelligence), and isn't on some whorish bullshit is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I'm convinced those women do not exist. If someone can prove me wrong email me. If someone knows of any black lesbians who don't fit into any of the above email me. I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong but I swear on everything I love I have NEVER run across a black lesbian who had her stuff together and didn't fit into some type of stereotype.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm Thinking of Relocating

I have been stuck in the state of Georgia my whole life, and well at this point it's become quite depressing.  The economy/job market here sucks. The women here suck.  There really isn't much to do here as far as the arts go and this state is closed-minded when it comes to those of us who are "different."

I'm not happy here. 

Lately I've been thinking about leaving this country and maybe moving to the UK. They seem to more liberal in terms of accepting lesbians and gays, but I don't know if I would like it as a woman of color. I hear black men and black women over there can't stand each other--and most black men date/marry interracially. The last thing I need is to move from one fucked up black community to another. 

So, now I'm thinking about D.C. or NY. I love D.C. because it brings a combination of the south and a major city. New York, on the other hand, is a major city and nothing else. I don't know how happy I would be there. I could buy property in D.C., but in NY I'm pretty damn sure I would be walking the poverty line. This is probably one the benefits that GA offers--I'm middle class here and can buy property. In other parts of the United States I would be considered POOR. 

One day I hope to retire in a beach community like Savannah. I love the beach. I could easily see myself living there with my other half and our kids. I suppose my finances would have to be better before that day comes....sigh. There really isn't much opportunity out here now. I recently heard that my generation is going to make far less than my parents generation before us. I can believe it! We're graduating from college with more debt, more responsibility, and more headaches. I probably won't even get the chance to retire until I'm eighty!

Anyway, I guess I can keep dreaming....more than likely I will die right here in good old Georgia.

Friday, April 9, 2010

She’s Happily Living Her Life…Without Me

My ex-girlfriend—the woman I believed was the love of my life had her second child—a baby girl—by her live in boyfriend. The two of them are a pair of swingers. They are in an open relationship. She seems happy. It makes me sick to see her so happy. Am I a bitch for wishing misery on another person or is this just my bitterness talking? Or am I justified in feeling this way considering the circumstances--my on-again-off-again relationship with this woman came to an end when I found out she was pregnant from her MySpace page.

I admit maybe I wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world. At the time of our relationship I was all of 21 years old. She was thinking kids—I was thinking sex, money, women, school, and more sex. We weren’t on the same page and I admit maybe I was a little verbally abusive at times. There were times she made me so mad that I consciously thought about putting my hands on her--though I never did. There were times she made me so mad that I verbally attacked her to the point that she would cry, something I knew would happen because she is so sensitive. There were times I spoke my mind without regards to her feelings with the intention of making her cry. The only justification I have for my behavior is that I was young and dumb though that’s no excuse. Every time I think of how I treated her I cry. She’ll never know how much I regret my behavior.

Yes, I was an asshole, but still I did love her and I made it a habit to tell her so everyday. Looking back now I don’t think I ever got that love back. Looking back now I don’t think her heart truly belonged to me. Maybe I knew it at the time but I chose to ignore it because she was everything I was looking for in a woman—sweet, naturally beautiful, childless, educated, and submissive. Because I knew she didn’t love me the way I wanted her to love me—and because I knew she loved HIM—I became resentful. I remember when we made love I would be so aggressive with her—something I knew she hated—as if I were trying to punish her. I cry even harder when I think about this action from me.

I can still remember the last conversation we had before I found out about her pending pregnancy on her MySpace page. She had already started to pull away from me and in my gut I knew something was wrong. “I want to see you,” I said over the phone. “No, every time I look at you I think about all things you’ve put me through,” she said. At the time In disbelief, my response to her was, “Do you think about the three thousand dollar diamond ring I bought you? The one you gave back less than a month later? Do you think about the times I skipped work and school to take care of you when you were sick? Do you think about the times when I held you in the middle of the night whenever you were having a nightmare about your mother’s death or your father’s sexual abuse? Because I think about those times and they’ll live in my memory forever.” At that point I got the dial tone. It would be two years later that we would come face-to-face and I would be allowed to apologize.

For a long time after we broke up I had a string of bad luck and I thought I was being punished for the pain I inflicted on her. I’ve come to terms with my actions even though I still bust into tears whenever I think about them. I think it will haunt me for years and years to come. Perhaps this is why I’ve had such a hard time finding love again. I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t ever take another woman for granted again. In the meantime I can’t do anything but sit on the sideline and watch her live happily…without me.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Dealing With Depression

I just wanted to let the people who follow this blog know that I haven't forgotten its existence. Right now I'm feeling kinda depressed so I haven't been much up for writing. I promise to post before the week is out. In the meantime feel free to email me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Angry Sense Of Entitlement

It is both annoying and frustrating when I run across black lesbians who feel I should date solely within my race. When I tell them I’m not attracted to most black lesbians I run across they start getting emotional and looking at me crazy. “Well, you haven’t met every black lesbians,” they often say.

“I’ve met enough to know if I ever want to find peace and happiness I need not look in the direction of the average black lesbian” is the reply they usually get from me. 

“You sound just like black men. They say the same thing you’re saying when they talk about us,” black women say.

“If I’m noticing the same thing from black women as black men maybe some of you should start listening. Too many black women are damaged, carrying a lot of baggage, and confused about too many things,” is my typical response. 

“You should desire a black woman because you are a black woman,” is what I’m told.

“You’re right and I also desire a beautiful, in shape, childless, hard working, natural woman, who is comfortable with her sexuality as a lesbian—and nothing else. Care to go out and find me a black woman who fits that description?”

Silence.

I don’t know where black women get off thinking they are entitled to an individual because they share their race. I view myself as an individual. I refuse to limit my dating pool to black women. The smartest thing I ever did was branch outside my race.

Lynn is a woman I’ve been dating for the last four weeks. I’ll just go ahead and tell you she’s white. We met at Applebee’s where she was drinking at the bar. Our relationship is a work in progress. As I write this I can say she’s a close friend.

Last week Lynn and I hit the club. I took her to a lesbian club that’s dominated by black lesbians. At some point in the night she went to the bathroom and I went to the bar to order us drinks. While at the bar a pretty black woman approached me and started making conversation. The conversation was going good until Lynn found me at the bar and wrapped her arm around my arm—a sign that we were together. The expression on the black woman’s face did a 360-degree turn around—she literally went from smiling to scolding. “Oh, so you went that route,” she said and walked off.

I looked at Lynn—embarrassed because I knew she heard the woman’s comment. “What was that all about?” Lynn asked me. “I have no clue,” I said playing dumb.
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