Saturday, December 5, 2009

I Fear I Might Never Have Children

Recently, I watched one of my bestfriends from college wed her high school sweetheart. I was in the wedding. Though I was happy for my friend on her big day I couldn't stop crying--for myself. Everyone thought I was crying because I was happy for the bride, but in reality I was crying because I feel as if everyone --friends & family-- are moving forward in life and I'm being left behind. I'm stuck in some type of a rut. I don't know if this is some sort of test, but it sure wasn't part of my awesome plan to be a millionaire by the time I'm twenty-five--which by the way is still one of my dreams!

There must be something in the air because this is the fifth friend I've watched marry this year.  The friends I have-- who are not marrying-- are either off in grad school, law/medical school, or settled with children and family already. I am none of the above.

One of my biggest fears at the moment is that I might never know what it's like to have children. I think every REAL lesbian or gay person has this fear. Before I can bring a life into this world I first have to be stable in my personal life. I want my children to know what it's like to grow up in a home where there are TWO parents and plenty of LOVE. Perhaps this is where my problem rest. I refuse to raise children on my own and I've said if I don't have children by the time I'm thirty-five I probably won't have any at all.

I said this before but it's worth mentioning again. I'm not one of those "lesbians" who is comfortable stepping in to raise another individual's children. Meaning--I won't date or even consider a lesbian who has children--who more than likely had them the old fashion way. If I have to question your sexuality then you're not worth my time. Part of my ideal family unit is having a partner who has ALWAYS been comfortable within her skin--as I am. I don't want a "lesbian" who "came to realize" her sexuality later in life--like the phony lesbian television mom from the show Family Ties-- who was just forced to come out of the closet.

I only want two kids and I want them to come from "US" not her and someone else. The LGBT community will probably have a problem with my way of thinking, but I don't care. There are some things that need to be said. I will never feel for a child that my partner had from another relationship the way I would feel for the children we have together. In order to avoid this complication I avoid "lesbians" with children. It's not fair to the kid that I can't love them as I would my own. It's not fair to me that I have to accept her kid(s) along with her.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I am still young--there is still time.
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