Saturday, December 5, 2009

I Fear I Might Never Have Children

Recently, I watched one of my bestfriends from college wed her high school sweetheart. I was in the wedding. Though I was happy for my friend on her big day I couldn't stop crying--for myself. Everyone thought I was crying because I was happy for the bride, but in reality I was crying because I feel as if everyone --friends & family-- are moving forward in life and I'm being left behind. I'm stuck in some type of a rut. I don't know if this is some sort of test, but it sure wasn't part of my awesome plan to be a millionaire by the time I'm twenty-five--which by the way is still one of my dreams!

There must be something in the air because this is the fifth friend I've watched marry this year.  The friends I have-- who are not marrying-- are either off in grad school, law/medical school, or settled with children and family already. I am none of the above.

One of my biggest fears at the moment is that I might never know what it's like to have children. I think every REAL lesbian or gay person has this fear. Before I can bring a life into this world I first have to be stable in my personal life. I want my children to know what it's like to grow up in a home where there are TWO parents and plenty of LOVE. Perhaps this is where my problem rest. I refuse to raise children on my own and I've said if I don't have children by the time I'm thirty-five I probably won't have any at all.

I said this before but it's worth mentioning again. I'm not one of those "lesbians" who is comfortable stepping in to raise another individual's children. Meaning--I won't date or even consider a lesbian who has children--who more than likely had them the old fashion way. If I have to question your sexuality then you're not worth my time. Part of my ideal family unit is having a partner who has ALWAYS been comfortable within her skin--as I am. I don't want a "lesbian" who "came to realize" her sexuality later in life--like the phony lesbian television mom from the show Family Ties-- who was just forced to come out of the closet.

I only want two kids and I want them to come from "US" not her and someone else. The LGBT community will probably have a problem with my way of thinking, but I don't care. There are some things that need to be said. I will never feel for a child that my partner had from another relationship the way I would feel for the children we have together. In order to avoid this complication I avoid "lesbians" with children. It's not fair to the kid that I can't love them as I would my own. It's not fair to me that I have to accept her kid(s) along with her.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I am still young--there is still time.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Strip Clubs & Older Women

Recently, I learned via email that I have a few secret admirers. I won't go as far as to say a couple of women are sending their pussy through my inbox, but this blog--my thoughts--have struck a cord with more people than I thought. Though it's flattering to my ego, ladies you should note that I'm single and I plan to stay that way until THE REAL Ms. Right comes along.

On a side note I love older women. I shall expound--I don't mean old enough to be my mother or too old to bear children. I like women who are a FEW years older than me and who are CHILDLESS. Every girlfriend I've had has been older than me. I'm not sure if that says anything about my level of maturity or their need to turn my young butt out! In any case, I have always been more drawn to older women than the women in my age group. Don't ask me why--I don't have an answer.

Oh and while I'm on the subject if anyone knows this woman--->
Please email me. I found this picture while looking for pictures of my favorite strip club--Magic City--and fell head over hills in love. Weird huh?

Zap back to the topic...

Speaking of strip clubs I have to admit I have a thing for them. I love strip clubs and I love strippers. Wait--let me clarify. I love strippers with PRETTY FACES, NICE BODIES, and who LOOK TASTEFUL {I know that might be hard to imagine given their occupation}. I don't like hood chicks, buttafaces, or strippers with tattoos all over their bodies.

There is something about a pretty woman, who takes her clothes off for money. It is intriguing to me. I sometimes have long conversations with strippers at Magic City--many of which know me by name. I don't know if they humor me because I'm a cute gay woman or if they are gay themselves and looking for a hookup. In any case, I often inquire about their lives and how/why they became strippers. Everyone's story doesn't seem to be same. One stripper is currently pursuing a career as a nurse. Another stripper is trying to support her kids completely on her own {their father is not in the picture}. Another stripper moved to ATL from another state due to being laid off from her job and "found" her way into the industry. I think people would be surprise if they knew the back stories of strippers. We as a society have put them in a box and written them off as "lost."

My favorite stripper--who shall remain anonymous--is beautiful to say the least. She's a brown-skinned black woman, twenty-three years old, college student, short hair and has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen on a woman. I use to go into the strip just to get close to her. When she danced for me she would allow me to lay my head on her chest while she chested the back of my neck--which is one of my soft spots! We never talked. She knew I liked her though {the security guards made sure she knew because I always asked about her even when she wasn't there}. She knows just how to tease me too. She does this thing on stage where she's popping her ass, and she'll look back at me and blow me a kiss! By the time she's ready to give me a lap dance she knows damn well all my money is hers for the taking. The only bad thing about this beautiful woman that I love so much is her IQ. She has the IQ of a twelve year old child. I literally feel like I'm talking to a child whenever we have a conversation.

The first time I had a conversation with her was probably two months after I had given her upwards of a few hundred dollars {which my love struck butt couldn't really afford}. Until that point I was afraid to open my mouth and say anything. To say I was CRUSHED would be an understatement. I just couldn't believe my dream woman with the pretty face and body is an dumb as a newborn baby. Maybe I should have known better. Beauty and brains are a rare combination these days. But damn--I still hurt for my lost! Why--GAWD---WHY??????

Monday, October 26, 2009

Something That Annoys Me

Do you ever wonder why some people achieve success while others always fall on their butts? For some people it seems no matter what they touch it turns into gold. What did they do to get so lucky? Even the people who are doing illegal things seem to be better off than the working class sucker. Why? Why am I, the honest college graduate, struggling so hard to make ends meet while some individual who has been doing wrong all his or her life is able to make a comfortable living?

It makes me angry knowing that I might have gone to college in vain. It annoys me that I might be reduced to being a working class citizen while some wise guy or girl is able to hustle up some money illegally and still come out on top. Whoever said, "Good guys finish last" wasn't lying. No matter how much I try it seems everything I touch fails.

If I actually listened to my parents lectures all my problems would come down to my sexuality. In their eyes I'm being "punished by God" for sleeping with women or disrupting the natural order of things. "Until you turn your life around hell is going to rain down on you," is what I've been told over and over again by my parents. If I wasn't comfortable in my own skin I might actually believe some of the things said by my folks.

My brother who has a technical school education is doing better than me. He works  and attends school. He also collects a VA education benefits check due to my disabled military father--damn I miss that check. It annoys me watching him do better than me because I've always felt a need to compete with him. He's always been my father's favorite child while my older brother has always been my mother's favorite child. I have always been stuck in middle trying to get love from who ever was willing to give it. Anything and everything I did was virtually ignored--including graduating from college--My mother didn't even attend the ceremony (a long story).

The only person who ever made me feel like she gave a damn was my grandmother. Whenever I needed something for school or just wanted to talk my grandmother has always been there. Till this day she's more willing than anyone to give me money when needed--though I feel guilty for taking it (she lives off social security).

I guess at this point I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I should have tried a different approach to life. Instead of doing what I was told to do all my life--"go to college"--I should have looked for something more.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I Can't Do Black "Lesbians" With Children

One of the problems I have with black lesbians is the large number of them with children. Being that I am a goldstar lesbian--one who has never been with a man--I immediately question the authenticity of any lesbian's sexuality upon learning she has children. Anyone in my position would raise the same questions if confronted with that situation. While most black lesbians with children make it a point to say, "Everyone's story is not the same." They have not noticed that almost every black lesbian with children is telling the same story.

The common excuses I get from black "lesbians" with children are--1). "Society is the reason I slept with or married a man. I didn't plan to get pregnant. It just happened." 2). "I wanted a child so that's why I slept with X number of men and had X number of children.” 3). "I didn't know I was gay until I was in my twenties." 4). "I've always been attracted to women, but I was afraid to act on it. " 5). "I'm sick of men. All men are dogs."

As you can see I have good reason not to mess around with black "lesbians" with children. They are some of the most CONFUSED--I said it--people walking the planet. The thought of some chick desiring to be a lesbian AFTER being dogged by several men or after she's opened her legs wide open to a variety of men, busted out a few babies, and DECIDED she was gay repulse me.

Many single mothers don't consider themselves bisexual. They consider themselves lesbians. Yet, I 'm almost certain if a man showed the least bit of interest in them and their children they would go back to screwing men. For all their talk about how society scared them straight it’s obvious society hasn’t scared them from bed hopping---neither has the threat of an STD.

What really makes me angry about black "lesbians" with children is the idea that these are the individuals society sees when judging whether or not homosexuality is a CHOICE. They have kids so at some point they made a choice to lie down with a man.  How can they be gay? The gay people like myself are ignored and disregarded. Any and every negative stereotype straight people--especially straight black people—hold is confirmed by black "lesbians" with children.

Some might be wondering, "Well what about the lesbians who plan their children with their partners or who lie down with a man with the intent of getting pregnant?" In the black community and the black LGBT community the idea of "planning" children is foreign. Chances are if someone has a child they had consensual sex with a member of the opposite sex with the intent of achieving an orgasm, and got knocked up. There was no planning involved. However according to most of these individuals I--the virginal black lesbian--am suppose to believe from black "lesbians" with children that they "planned" their 2-3 kids by 2-3 different men just for the sake of being a single mother. No, I don't believe that. What I believe is black “lesbians” with children were riding dick at some point, enjoyed it, and ended up with children as a result of it. Because of the stigma of being bisexual they basically lie about their sexuality. Lying about something so obvious doesn’t make a lot of difference. I am not willing to give them the time of day.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Why Can't Black People Sustain Healthy Relationships?

First, I want to apologize to all the people who visit my blog. I haven’t been neglecting it on purpose. Right now I’m in the process of job hunting. Given this recession that’s a full-time job in itself. I promise to blog at least twice a week for now on. I hope you will continue to follow my blog. On to the topic...

Recently, a heterosexual white male expressed his opinion on relationships to me. He believes homosexuals are better able to sustain healthy relationships than heterosexuals.  The reason he believes this is due to the idea that individuals of the same sex have more in common than those of a different sex. I remember thinking, “He obviously doesn't know very many homosexuals.” Maybe white homosexuals are better able to sustain healthy relationships compared to their white heterosexual counterparts, but that defiantly isn’t the case with black homosexuals. From what I can tell black gays and lesbians can no more sustain good healthy relationships than their black heterosexual counterparts.

You would think two people of the same sex and perhaps the same race would be better able to cohabitate than their heterosexual friends. Nothing could be further from the truth. The black gays and lesbians I’ve come across and associate with are always putting each other through the ringer. True love and commitment are the last things on their minds. Those who aren’t confused about their sexuality—and there are many who are confused—are basically whores.

In Atlanta the black LGBT community is large compared to most other cities, but at times it seems very small. This is because everyone knows someone who dated so-and-so way back when. Chances are your girlfriend has had her fair share of lovers. It’s very hard to take  black gays and lesbians seriously here seriously so I don’t personally take them seriously. I’ve been forced into becoming a whore. It is not by choice. I would like nothing more than to settle down and commit myself to one woman, but because everyone around me is out for his or her own gratification I have to settle for short-term flings.

I have enough heterosexual friends to know the same persist with their relationships. No one seems interested in long-term commitment. No one seems concerned about the numerous forms of venereal diseases throughout the black community. No one seems concerned about the numerous out of wedlock children being born. “Black” love has been tossed out the window. There is no such thing as respect anymore.

How did we get to this point?

From a black homosexuals point of view I can honestly say black gays and lesbians have more pressure on our relationships than heterosexuals. We have to worry about racism, sexism, internal (black community) and external prejudice/homophobia, and procreation. Some of the gayest people I know suffer from self-hate due to their family disowning them and because of the way they’re treated by society. Those who do have it together mentally probably have trust issues after running into more than a few bisexuals. Those who aren’t screwed up mentally, and who haven’t been crossed over by bisexuals, find themselves put off by the large number of gays and lesbians with children from heterosexual relationships (a whole different blog).  Many black gays and lesbians give in to the pressure and live their lives as heterosexuals rather than deal with the bull (a whole different blog).

What are the reasons why black heterosexuals have a hard time maintaining relationships?

As someone standing on the outside looking in I don’t think black heterosexuals like each other very much. The continued degradation of each other through song, books, and television tells a story of hatred and possibly ignorance. I never hear my heterosexual friends talk about love or marriage. The only thing I ever hear them talk about is sex. They no longer expect marriage so I suppose they no longer dream about it or strive to reach that point.

Eventually each individual is going to have to ask him or herself whether or not they like where their love life is headed. I for one don’t plan to stay single forever. I want a woman by my side and I want us to have kids one day. My biggest issue is that I refuse to settle. I don’t want anyone who already has children. I don’t want anyone who lacks ambition and goals. I don’t want anyone I find physically unattractive. The list could go on and on. I’m sure I’ll come across my better half one day, but until  then I guess I have no choice but to go with the flow.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Perception Of Dark-Skinned Black Women

I’ve been dating a woman on and off for about three months now. So far we’re as close as two people can be without sex entering the equation. She’s funny, smart, patient, and understanding. She knows I’m broke as hell at the moment, and she’s fine with it. Almost every night we have the most delightful conversations over the phone. She’s winning my heart though she probably doesn’t know it. I can’t say whether or not this will grow into a relationship, but we’re on the fast track to a beautiful friendship.

One day in the middle of one of our late night conversations she said, “I didn’t think you dated dark-skinned black women.” I was stunned by the comment for two reasons: 1) I’ve never mentioned a preference for skin tone or race and 2) She’s a dark-skinned sister herself. I can’t imagine how she came to the conclusion that I’m not into dark-skinned black women nor did I bother to ask. Instead I became somewhat defensive. I told her she was completely wrong with her assumption. I explained my crush on two dark-skinned strippers at Atlanta’s famous strip club, Magic City. Before we ended our conversation she asked, “How many dark-skinned black women have you dated?” I paused for a minute as if to think about the question, “Three including you.” Then there was complete silence on the other end of the phone. We said our good-byes and vowed to talk again the next day.

The next day I woke up early in the morning with the conversation still fresh in my head. I couldn’t deny the truth. Just about every girl I’ve been interested in dating has been either light-skinned or of a different race. Does this mean I have a preference for women whose features lean more towards European? I don’t think so.

For the sake of being honest I admit I’ve only been in a relationship with one dark-skinned black woman and I think she’s the reason I don’t typically pursue dark-skinned black women. This particular ex-girlfriend managed to scare me away from the idea of ever pursuing another dark-skinned black woman. Throughout the course of our relationship she was super conscious of her dark skin. I don’t know if this was due to me being light-skinned and her being dark-skinned, but it got on my freaking nerves. I never brought up the subject because she always harped on it. Her dark skin was never an issue for me, but for her it was a burden and a handicap to her whole being. She would say things like, “I hate light-skinned bitches.” Other dark-skinned black women I tried to court expressed this same sentiment. I think this mentality turned me off and subconsciously I vowed to stir clear of dark-skinned black women unless they approach me.

Maybe one day I'll get over this "fear."

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Lesbian Sues Bisexual Ex-Girlfriend For Falsely Representing Herself Throughout The Course Of Their Relationship

San Diego, CA—In a court battle that's sure to send shockwaves through the Lesbian Bisexual Gay and Transgender community (LBGT), Kimberly Evans, an emergency room physician is suing her long time ex-girlfriend, Deidra Grady, a flight attendant for falsely representing herself throughout the course of their relationship.

Evans, who is acting as her own attorney, charges that Grady lied to her for six years about her sexual orientation. "In the six years we were together Deidra led me to believe she was gay. I moved her into my home, paid for her to learn training as a dental hygienist, which she wasted my money pursuing, and I bought her a brand new car. I took care of Deidra when she was sick. I made sure she never had to worry about money, and I even paid for her mother's stay at an upscale nursing home. As far as I'm concern Deidra owes me."

The defendant, Deidra Grady, maintains Evans knew about her bisexuality from the time the two started dating. "I was always upfront with Kimberly about my past with men. She knew of my attraction to both men and women. She chose to ignore it. Kimberly wanted to be with me despite my sexuality. She told me as long as that part of my life was in the past we were cool."

The couple's love affair came to a screeching halt when Grady's bisexuality went on display in an unimaginable way. She along with a man who has been identified as the late Kyle Parker, a real estate developer and married father of two, were wheeled into Evans' emergency room attached at their libidos. The two were in the process of making love when Parker suffered a massive heart attack right on top of Grady.

"His body stiffen while he was still inside of her," said a nurse who was pulling double duty the night of the incident. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. I can't imagine how the doctors managed the two of them. I wasn't allowed in the room during the procedure."

Evans, who was on duty the night her ex-girlfriend Grady, and her lover were wheeled into the emergency room, recounted her feelings upon first setting eyes on the scene. "It was heartbreaking and embarrassing all at the same time. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach."

Judge Carol Bailey called the case “highly unusual and extremely interesting.”

Never the less Judge Bailey dismissed the case. “There isn’t a law that says people can’t lie about their background. We cannot go around suing people simply because they break our hearts.”

At the time of press Evans wasn't available for addition comment. Grady had this to say after the  judge's verdict, "I'm sorry things had to end this way. I'm happy that it's over. One thing I know for sure is that I will never crave another dick as long as I live!"

*Note this post is satire. Welcome to the brilliant mind of LezIntellect!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Urge To Swirl

I know love is supposed to be colorblind, but despite myself I do see color. I don’t see color in a racist or prejudice way. My way of seeing color is more or less unconscious rather than intentional. Basically, I see color despite myself. Maybe this is due in large part to society, me being conscious of my sexuality and blackness, or maybe it’s due to my upbringing in the South. In the end it doesn’t matter why I see color. The only thing that matters is that I don’t see color negatively.

At times I find myself comparing different races of women to each other. I compare their body types. I compare their physical characteristics. I compare just about everything except the negative stereotypes that are associated with each group. This only adds to my urge to swirl. For those of you lost the word “swirl” is an urban term for someone who dates outside his or her race.

There are many famous non-black women who I find attractive. Jessica Alba is sexy. Jennifer Lopez is bootylicious! Kim Kardashian (despite her reputation) is gorgeous. Julia Roberts has a charming personality. Kristian Alfonso is hot! Video model Zena Foster has a phat ass and is nothing short of a banger! When I see any of these beautiful women the Lil Wayne hook, “I wish I could fuck with every girl in the world” rings through my head.

I’ve never dated outside of my race, but I’m open to it. I’ve always loved black women. However, now I’m beginning to think maybe I should explore my options. There is nothing wrong with black women, and no I don’t desire other races of women because of the flaws of black women (hello I’m a black woman). The truth is I’ve always found myself attracted to other races of women, but because of society and my sexuality I’ve always dated within my own race.

I’m sure you’re wondering what my sexuality has to do with my dating preference (i.e., not considering interracial dating before now). Well, it’s already hard being black, female, and gay I can only imagine what being black, female, gay, and in an interracial relationship must feel like. Seems like it would be another challenge to add onto the challenges I already face. A relationship can only take so many challenges before it starts to crumble. If our love isn’t strong enough both she and I could break under the pressure. Someone who shares my race is perhaps better suited to handle the problems that we’re bound to face as a same sex couple. I guess I will never know until I try.

Life is too short to live in a box. I see that now more so than ever before. Society and sexual orientation shouldn't stop anyone from finding love where they can find it. I don’t plan to let race, sexual orientation, and society stand in my way anymore. If “Miss Right” comes into my life and she just so happens to be of a different race I will love her no matter what.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Welcome II My World!

Sometimes life sucks! There is no easy way to say it and there doesn't seem to be an easy way to accept it. If you're black, female, and gay it probably sucks a little more at times for you than the next person. Being a triple minority in Vanilla America also makes you a third class citizen. It's a real kick in the teeth. Luckily, for some black lesbians like myself we can laugh, cry, and face most situation with the help of our humor. Believe me right about now my humor is the only thing I have keeping me from crying.

At the moment I'm a struggling artist (filmmaker and screenwriter) mooching off the nipples of my mother and father. In 2008 I became a college graduate, but unfortunately for me this country was just beginning to see the first signs of a recession. Companies went down, employment went up, and I haven't had a job since graduating from college. Deciding against any type of graduate school I decided to try and make it with my bachelor's degree and my talent. I learned a hard lesson: It's not what you have but often it's who you know. Since then I've been unwillingly freeloading my way through life.

Right now my number one dream is to create a quality web series about a group of minority lesbian friends living life in Atlanta. For the most part Asians, African Americans, and other non-white races of women are underrepresented in the LGBT community. The few web series that are trying to represent for minority women are full of sex, are cheaply produced, and lack quality dialogue driven storylines. Most often play right into stereotypes about lesbians (and African Americans). I want to change that, but like all good things this takes money (which I don't have at the moment).

So, to occupy my time and take my mind off more depressing manners I decided to start this blog. Hopefully it will serve as a way for me to freely express myself without the glare of disapproving eyes (though I doubt it). I hope to meet like-minded people all across the world. With all that said let me say welcome to my world!

P.S. This is my first blog so please bare with me as I learn the ropes.

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