Thursday, October 9, 2014

I Feel Like Crying


I really feel like crying right now...

Today I attended a housing seminar as required by HUD for their first time home buyer study. Throughout the day we met just about everyone involved in the purchase of a home (i.e., banker, inspector, lawyer, etc). In the midst of this I was called on to read a paragraph from an information sheet that was passed out. 

As is usually the case when I'm called on to read anything out loud, I had a brain fart. I stuttered, mispronounced, and paused several times while reading the paragraph. I paused at words like evaluator (a word I have no problem reading silently). When I was finally done with the paragraph I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I could almost feel my cheeks burning with anxiety, embarrassment, and pain. Honestly, you would have thought I was illiterate listening to me read.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I have this problem. I am an avid reader. I read everyday. I've always been an avid reader. Shit, I have a master's degree in Library & Information Science. So, reading is very much apart of my life. 

Yet when it comes to reading out loud my brain shuts down and I embarrass the hell out of myself. This has been a life long problem. I think I am insecure about it because of my childhood experiences. I think it is some type of phobia. 

For those of you who don't know, I repeated the 2nd grade because I struggled to learn how to read. I was one of those kids who would pray that the teacher didn't call on me to read out loud. Why? Because at this point in my life I couldn't read and I was insecure about it. 

Now as a full grown adult with a high IQ, A+ reading skills, and no type of known physical or learning disabilities I feel so ashamed and embarrassed by this issue. Tears have started to roll down my face as I write this sentence because this is something that really bothers me. I just don't know what to do about it...

For now I'll just cry about it. 
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