Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Internal Conflict

Katherine Wentworth: A character from Dallas

I've been thrown a curve ball in life. It's something that I never saw coming. Perhaps it is some type of cruel poetic justice for my racist views and hatred. It's also probably the MAIN reason I took such a harsh tone with my brother about his family. 

What's the curve ball?

I have fallen in love with a white woman...and it's killing me on the inside!

I certainly didn't see it coming. I met her in a gay/lesbian bookstore. I was reading the back of a book when she came up and began browsing the bookshelf next to me. I was about to move out of her way when she said, "It's okay...you're fine." Up until that point I hadn't paid the woman much attention. When she spoke I looked up from the book and I was met with one of the most striking women I've ever seen. This wasn't a plain Jane white woman. This woman was a 10!

The thing that startled me the most was her eyes. She has the most striking pair of sapphire blue/gray eyes I've ever seen. In fact, the only time I can recall ever seeing eyes similar to hers was on a character from Dallas. Her name on the show was Katherine Wentworth...


I honestly wonder if her eyes are some type of genetic mutation...but then that's neither here nor there...

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog and all future blogs this woman will be nicknamed Sapphire.

That day Sapphire and I started a conversation. That conversation led to an exchange of phone numbers. The exchange of phone number led to several late night conversations. Those conversations eventually led to dates. Those dates led to a kiss that took place Sunday. And now here I am...feeling some kind of way because I feel some kind of way about this woman.

I'm a hypocrite. Part of the reason I blasted my brother is because he married a white woman. I was also blasting myself internally for falling for one. I've tried to justify my feelings for this woman by telling myself, "Well she's not an American white woman. She is a Canadian...." which she is by the way.

I've told myself, "Her ancestors didn't own slaves and they played no part in Jim Crow."

I've told myself, "She's not like those other whites..."

But no amount of justification can possibly explain how or why I ended up falling for a white woman.

The uncomfortable truth is I'm falling in love...and it feels good. Maybe this is God's way of trying to tell me something. Perhaps I need to change my views on race. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to let this woman go.

I like her...I like her a lot.
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