Friday, May 23, 2014

I'm Mentally ill


It's official...I'm mentally ill. A psychiatrist has declared me mentally ill. Her exact words were, "You're suffering from severe depression, and from what you have told me you've probably been suffering from it for years."

She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I've self-diagnosed myself on this blog.

The doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant (Bupropion) and some sleeping pills (Trazodone). I have yet to take the anti-depressant and the sleeping pills haven't helped me. 

I haven't had a good night of sleep since grandma died. I already had issues sleeping prior to her death but now I can't sleep at all. I sit in bed all night having conversations with my grandms in my head...because I know exactly what she would say to me if she were alive.

I haven't taken the anti-depressant because I'm afraid to take it. The doctor told me I won't feel the drug for four weeks. According to her, it will give me a burst of energy and I will feel happy. I took that to mean I will feel high. I imagine I can get the same feeling by smoking weed. 

What happens when the anti-depressant wears off? Will I then go through withdrawal or cold turkey? Will the thoughts of suicide return in spades? I've heard stories about people on anti-depressants committing suicide after coming off the drug because they became dependent on it. I'm afraid that will be me. Anti-depressants are probably like crack or any other addictive drug. Once you're off the shit you sit around going crazy because you want that high feeling again.

In addition to this, my doctor gave me an order to have some tests done at a lab. My damn insurance company, Aetna, won't cover the cost of the test because they said I haven't paid my $500.00 deductible. They said I will get a discount because the lab is in my network, but otherwise the entire cost of the tests is on me. The grand total without the in network discount is $711.00. I swear to god I'm going to drop my insurance company and switch to Obamacare at the first opportunity.

I don't feel like paying this shit. Physically, I'm perfectly healthy. There isn't anything wrong with me physically. I have a yearly physical and my blood work always comes back fine. I'm going to lie to the doctor and tell her I can't afford the tests. I don't feel like paying $711 for some test I don't need!

Sigh...this thing called LIFE really sucks sometimes.
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