Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I Can't Cope


I'm depressed and I've been thinking about killing myself. 

Life was already hard before grandma died, but now it's almost unbearable. She meant more to me than anyone in my life. She was the only real parent I've ever had. She raised me. She taught me so much. And now she's gone. 

Yesterday, when I got the news I was sitting in my apartment in Atlanta. I left my hometown the day before (Monday) with the intention of going back on Thursday or Friday. Tuesday evening my dad called to tell me she died. 

I cried and cried and cried.

Then I started having thoughts about killing myself. 

I didn't bother to go to sleep last night. I jumped in my truck and drove around the city until I ended at the Chattahoochee river. I parked my truck on the bridge, got out of my truck and looked over the edge of the bridge. 

I thought about jumping. 

I didn't jump last night, but that doesn't mean I won't jump in the near future. Now that I'm in my hometown I think about jumping from another bridge overlooking a river. I can't swim....so I'll probably drown if the impact doesn't kill me.

Grandma's funeral is Saturday....the day before mother's day. 

I don't think I'm going to make it.
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