Saturday, May 10, 2014

Finding Peace & Solace


I think I'm going to be alright...

Grandma's funeral was today.

I rode to grandma's funeral in a limo with five cousins, my aunt and my uncle. My aunt arranged the seating because of what happened between me and my brother yesterday. He was in a separate limo with my dad, three aunts, and an uncle. The two limos were followed by the rest of my cousins, uncles, aunts etc. I think there was probably 80 or so cars behind us. Those of us who were in my limo (with the exception of my aunt/uncle) were picked to be in that car because we lived with grandma and spent the most time with her. 

As soon as the limo started moving the tears started flowing. Everyone in my limo cried. We were escorted by a police officer. However, once we crossed into another county the sheriff of that county became our escort.

Our family church is in the backwoods....about two miles from grandma's house. When the limo passed grandma's house I watched as everyone in the limo turned to look at the house. 

We arrived at the church. The mortician told us to get in twos. I stood next to one of my aunts and she held my hand as we walked into the church. At this point I was weeping. As we made our way into the church a crowd of people awaited us in the lobby. There was also a lot of people inside the church. 

The mortician led us into the church and straight up to grandma's open casket. I began sobbing uncontrollably....so much so that the mortician came up to me and took my hand, which was shaking. My aunt rubbed the right side of my back. As I stepped up to view grandma's body someone came up and began rubbing the left side of my back. I looked over my shoulder to see who it was and it was my mama. 

She said, "It's okay..." 

I was happy to see her. 

She later told me that she saw me sobbing and she said to herself, "Let me go get my child." 

Maybe it was grandma talking to her....I don't know. 

I was also holding up the line of people behind me waiting to view grandma's body.

Mama walked me to the front row of the church where some of my family sat. I continued to cry. 

The funeral carried on as planned. When it came time for people to stand up and say some remarks I walked to the podium and I spoke about the following....

When I was a little girl suffering from asthma grandma used to stay up all night taking care of me. She would rub Vick's vapor rub on my crest and call my mom/dad to take me to the doctor the next day. One day she stayed up all night patting and rubbing my back to help ease my pain. 

I talked about grandma sending me money when I was in college. I was often broke without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.  

After graduating from college, I was depressed as hell because I couldn't find a job. I moved in with my grandma and she assured me that things would get better and I would find work. She was right. I was offered a city job, but I didn't hear anything from the job until a month later. 

My soon to be supervisor called grandma's house and spoke to grandma. He asked her if I was still interested in the job and grandma said, "I rang so....she ain't got one!" 

Everyone burst into laughter after I told that story.

When one of my uncles stood up to speak he made a comment about grandma also offering people who visited her house food. You never left grandma's house hungry. I piggybacked on that comment and talked about grandma making sure the animals around her house were well feed too. Grandma feed the cats that made their way onto her porch. Any table scraps from our dinner went to the cats. 

Well at some point word must have got out that grandma's house was the Golden Corral for cats...an all you can eat buffet...because the next thing I know cats start coming from every direction. I'm not lying! They  were coming from the woods behind her house. They were coming from the yards of other houses. They were coming down the hill. They were different sizes and colors and they were all descending on grandma's backyard!

I remember looking out the bathroom window and watching a cat whose two back legs were broke. Someone had wrapped up his two back legs in what looked like a cast. He was using his forelegs to make his way across the back yard to the food. That damn cat was getting it too. That little motherfucker was sliding his ass across that grass to the food.

Everyone laughed at that story as well. 

I was the only grandchild that got up to speak. So, I ended up speaking for all of us (14 grandchildren and 20 great grandchildren). I think I did everyone proud. 

Anyway, grandma's funeral helped me find some internal peace because I feel so much better. I suppose just talking about grandma with a room full of people who loved her helps a great deal. 

This doesn't mean I'm out of my depression. I'll probably continue to break down crying whenever I think about grandma, but my life will carry on. This chapter has ended, but hopefully the next is just beginning.

Tuesday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. 

I will return home at some point next week and put some flowers on grandma's grave. 

At some point in the near future I'm leaving for Rwanda....I need to get away. 

For grandma and my mama...


R.I.P Grandma...and Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who emailed me. Your emails helped. Even though I haven't responded, I read each and every one of them.

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