Monday, May 26, 2014

Are You Happy?


My psychiatrist gave me a homework assignment. She asked me if I was happy. I told her no. She asked me why. I paused. She told me she wanted me to think about the question, write down the answers and be prepared to talk about it when I see her again.

Today I sat down and thought about this question. I was unhappy prior to my grandma dying. However, I didn't know the exact root cause of that unhappiness. I still don't know exactly what it is driving my unhappiness. So, I took several educated guesses and came up with this list of things...
  1. Grandma's death.
  2. I have a deep hatred of white people.
  3. Long term true love eludes me.
  4. Lack of functional productive relationships with friends and family.
  5. I constantly worry about money even though I'm not wanting for any or I constantly worry about falling back into poverty.
  6. Several ex-girlfriends who I hate with a burning passion.
  7. Anxiety from not being treated fairly by society (as a BLACK lesbian woman).
  8. Angry about seeking an education only to find out it's complete bullshit if you're black in this country.
  9. It makes me furious that whites are allowed to be prosperous in this country while other races (i.e., people of color) have so very little and have to work twice as hard to get so very little. As a result, part of my unhappiness stems from knowing I have to be twice as good to get half of the shit undeserving whites obtain through the good old boy network, generational leg ups thanks to racism perpetuated by this country's government (ex. redlining) and advantages driven by the historical economic and social oppression of ALL non-whites. This alone is enough to drive me to become the black female Osama Bin Laden.  I swear to god I wish I had the nerve to become a terrorist. I'm seriously thinking of writing a story in which a black woman is driven to terrorism after getting fed the fuck up with white America.
  10. Not knowing what the future holds for me. 
  11. A feeling of emptiness or not being complete.  
  12. Disgusted and frustrated by the fact that Atlanta's black lesbian community has an endless supply of single mothers, ratchets hussies, ghetto skanks, confused chicks, obese studs, flat-chested Lil Wayne looking studs and hoes...bottom line: I think I'm sexually frustrated as well. 
This list is probably incomplete, but it's a start.

I want to know if you are happy. If not, please explain why in the comment section. Hit the poll and comment below.


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