Saturday, November 2, 2013

Loneliness


I'm not easily bothered by loneliness. The fact of the matter is I've been alone for most of my life. Other than my paternal grandmother, I'm not really close to anyone. That might be my fault. I don't trust people. Rather than accept people with open arms, I usually accept them with the same level of caution I would give a stranger. I'm sure some of you know this about me after having had a conversation with me only to find yourself completely cut off later.

As a child I knew I wanted to be a writer. So, books, paper, and pencils occupied my time and mind. I was always in my own world with an endless list of characters...both written and in my own imagination. It was a rare thing that I craved companionship. My best-friends were always the characters in pages of books and those floating around in my imagaination. 

Right now, Dr. Miracle Kirkpatrick, the lesbian scientist is my best-friend. I am in her company 24 hours a day. She's hurt and angry that her girlfriend rejected her marriage proposal after four long years of courtship. Her girlfriend tells her, "I want those things...marriage, kids, a family...but I'm not sure if I want those things with you." Driven to madness, Dr. Miracle sets out to make her girlfriend want those things with her.

While this might seem crazy, Dr. Miracle speaks to me and tells me her story. It is unfolding on my word processor.

I'm convinced the way I grew up (almost completely without true friends) and the way I live now (truthful still completely without true friends) is not healthy or natural. 

Deep down inside I want friends. Deep down inside I wish I was closer to my parents and my brothers. However, no matter how much I want these things I never try to make them happen. I guess that comes from fear of putting myself out there only to be let down. And believe me, I have plenty of reason to believe I will be let down (refer to the archives about my parents).

I don't have the best parents in the world. In fact, my parents suck. Neither is supportive of my dreams. My mother geniuely doesn't seem to care. My dad's only interest is the money I make from writing. I find myself put off while in their company. I can count the number of times I've seen my parents in 2013 on one hand. Unfortunately, the same is also true for my two brothers. 

To my surprise, I've been thinking about moving back home to my small backwoods rural hometown. I've been thinking about moving back home into my grandmother's house (though the house needs to be repaired). I never thought I would see the day I actually feel somewhat homesick and wishing I was closer to my family. At some point, I guess I resigned myself to a life alone....and chances are I'll probably end up back home. 
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