Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Pap Smear From Hell & My Decision To Freeze My Eggs


Yesterday, I went to the doctor to have my annual pap smear. I absolutely dread pap smears. This is the one and only time in my life where I cannot avoid my vagina being penetrated, poked and probed. It is also one of the most uncomfortable and frightening experiences ever. 

I'm used to it at this point, but my first time having a pap smear (age 15) still haunts me to this day. It was one of the most painful events of my life (I save this experience for my memoir).

Cervical cancer and fibroid tumors run in my family. My mother had BOTH. She had a hysterectomy about three years ago after the doctor discovered cervical cancer and then several fibroid tumors. So, every time I visit the doctor for a pap smear I'm extremely uneasy. I fear they are going to tell me I have cervical cancer or fibroid tumors. Unlike in the past, I have plenty of reason to worry. Let me explain...

Every since I started taking Nexium for my acid reflux problem I've been spotting off and on between periods (and this only recently stopped within the last two months). When I'm not spotting, I sometimes have the normal cottage cheese like discharge, which from my understanding is not usual in women my age. It can be a yeast infection or a sign of ovulation (from what I read). 

The thing that worries me is sometime after I started taking the Nexium that discharge took on a brownish color. On top of that, my period is very heavy compared to the past. I pee a helluva more than I ever did in the past. I do drink a lot of water. So, this might not be a cause to worry.

For a while I thought I might have an ulcer due to the acid reflux, but then I ruled that out because I'm not in any type of pain. I'm 100% certain I don't have an STD because I do practice safe sex (another post I plan to write in the near future). Despite all the women that come in and out of my life, I'm not getting down like that. I think the issue might be deeper than any of the above. I fear I might have fibroid tumors.

I have a new doctor. She is a petite Nigerian woman. I expressed my concern to her. She took my blood work. She said she needed the blood work to test for things like diabetics (something that doesn't run my family with the exception of my paternal grandmother). 

I laid down for her to perform the pap smear. This woman SHOVED the pap smear speculum up my vagina...


I mean SHOVED that motherfucker up my coochie!

Mind you, I have never taken a dick. I sometimes wear tampoons, but in general, I don't like to be penetrated. This shit probably hurts ten times more for those of us not used to penetration. In fact, the doctor said, "Just imagine it's a penis." I'm sitting there looking like..

This bitch can't be serious...that doesn't make me feel better!
She then said something that scared the hell out of me. She said, "I can't find your cervix. It is tilted."

Me (on the verge of tears): What does that mean???

Her: No need to be concerned. It just means that we're going to have to wiggle around a little. 

And by "wiggle around" she meant, "I'm going shoved this damn speculum up there further to see if I can find that hole."

I didn't have time to ask, "How the hell does a cervix move? That's the part that leads to the uterus. Clearly it's not supposed to move!"

I sat there on the verge of tears while this woman wiggled and moved around in my vagina. She finally said she saw something and proceeded to do this...


Me: You make sure you get all you need because I'm not coming back if this shit is botched (yes, I actually said this to her). 

She giggled, which only added to my annoyance.

When we were finally done she had a speculum covered in blood and I had a hemorrhaging vagina. 

The results of my blood samples should return sometime this week. God, I'm praying everything is alright. 

Fear of having my ability to have kids stolen from me has given me the green light I needed to freeze my eggs.

If I loose my uterus (or anything else) due to tumors (or some other uncontrollable force of nature) I want to make sure I can still have biological children. I cannot take any chances. My mind will be at ease knowing my eggs are sitting on ice somewhere.
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