Thursday, July 18, 2013

R.I.P. Brenda!!! You Will Be Missed!


I'm so sad right now.

Brenda, a friend, who I have known for the last ten years, is on her death bed.

I've had some good times with Brenda. She was there to witness me sliding my hand up the thighs of different women sitting on her passenger side. She was there to witness arguments, late night kisses, dates, make ups and break ups. Her radio and speakers helped me seduce women with Marvin Gaye, Teddy Pendergrass and Patti LaBelle. She was there when my heart was broken. She was there to witness me crying over women. She was there through college. For the last ten years, she has been a reliable friend.

Unfortunately, good things like Brenda don't last forever.

According to the Ford dealership, Brenda, my 2002 Ford Escort, needs a new gear shift. She can still operate without the new gear shift, but she stays stuck in park unless I stick a screwdriver in a hole down the side of the gear. 

Over the last three years, I have admittedly neglected Brenda. She could use a bath and a vacuum. My dumbass baby brother backed his jeep into Brenda as he was leaving my mother's driveway. He busted the front bumper and the passenger side bumper. He replaced both, but the asshole painted both bumpers a shade of gray that doesn't match Brenda.

Brenda's air condition recently went out. 

Brenda's windshield has a crack that stretches from one side of the windshield to the other. This occurred after a rock came flying off a truck on the freeway and banged up against my windshield. The crack started off small and spread like fire because I didn't have the sense to have it repaired. 

There was a time when Brenda was my most prized possession. In early 2003, my maternal grandmother (not the one I'm always talking about on this blog...my father's mother) announced, out of the blue, that she was buying me a car. My first reaction (along with everyone else in the family) was "Yeah right...I'll believe it when I see it!" 

Prior to this point, my maternal grandmother had never done shit for me. So, I didn't have a reason to believe her when she said she would buy me a car. I wasn't close to her. My mother wasn't close to her. For much of my life the woman was a grumpy, weird, self-centered fixture, who didn't appear to give a damn about anyone...least of all her children and grandchildren. As a child, I looked at her the same way a child would look at a stranger: distant and with caution. 

Whenever my brothers and I were around the woman, who we call "Grinny," she either cursed us the hell out or ignored us. The only person I've ever seen "Grinny" respect is my paternal grandmother, which is mind blowing to anyone that knows her. I don't know if it's because the two of them are almost a generation apart (my paternal grandmother was born in 1928....Grinny was born in 1946) or what, but she actually talks to my grandmother with respect.

Anyway, in early 2003 Grinny called me and told me to go to the Ford dealership to test drive the new car she picked out for me. Still skeptical, my dad and I went to test drive the car after school. I liked it immediately. My dad and I cruised around town enjoying the smooth ride and the new car smell.

At that age, I, like most teenagers, would have been happy with ANY car. 

A car meant independence from my dad and grandma. A car meant I would no longer have to take the school bus to school when my dad wouldn't let me have the car. A car meant I could go over to that bitch, who ended up being my first love, house and watch as her tongue and lips met my wet horny vagina! 

Being young, dumb and full of cum, the thought of cutting school and getting laid with a grown ass woman, who realistically should not have been on my 17 year old radar, was enough for me to quickly get behind the idea of someone buying me a brand new car with no strings attached!

I began to welcome the idea.

So, when Grinny called two days later and told me to go pick up my brand new car I was as happy as a kid at a candy store. From that day forward Brenda and I were inseparable (with the exception of my freshman year at Spelman...the school did not allow freshman to have cars)! 

Now, I have to reconcile myself to the reality that Brenda is one step closer to the junk yard.

*Sad face*

She had a long life. She had a good life. I will miss her dearly. 

Today I began searching for a new car. I already have a good idea of what I want. I want a Dodge Challenger! If you don't know what a Dodge Challenger looks like refer to the car T.I. is driving in this video...


Here are some pics of the car in the video...

Sweet as hell!

Smooth as hell!

Bad as hell!

I want it!

I want my challenger to look exactly like the one in the picture. I want my whip to be tricked out and clean. I want my car to turn heads...of the female sex! I want something I can fly in through the streets of Atlanta. I want to be able to pull up to a big booty Lauren London look-alike, and pull her without any resistance. Part of having a fly car is picking up fly chicks!

It's taking everything in me to resist visiting my local Dodge dealership and cutting a check. Even though I can afford it, I know I don't need it.

Cars loose their value quick! The 30k I spend on this car can be spent on a townhouse. However, it is good to dream!

I'll probably buy a used Honda or something. If lighting strikes twice, and I'm able to write another successful book, this car is on the top of my list of things to buy.

R.I.P Brenda...you will be missed...

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