Saturday, June 1, 2013

Guest Post: The Tale of The Confused Princess


The following is a guest post that was emailed to me by a reader of this blog. Enjoy! -LezIntellect

As a child I idolized princesses. I loved their fashion, beauty, and mannerisms. When a princess walked into the room everyone stopped to admire her beauty and they were in awe of her presence. Disney's Princesses came from different backgrounds and each story contained its own niche, but there was one common thread: Prince Charming. 

A princess was not validated until a prince came to save her from her distressful situation, and once he did everyone was happy. They got married, and lived happily ever after. I carried this fairytale long into high school until it was pleasantly interrupted.

I was sitting in Chemistry class talking to a close friend when the teacher announced that we weren't paying attention. The teacher decided to switch my lab partner. My new lab partner's name was Makayla. She was a stud. She was very popular in school and very easy on the eyes (not that I acknowledged that part at the time). She had this cool demeanor and a confidence that pulled people to her like a moth to a flame. 

Being the uber shy girl that I am, initially I didn't say anything to her. However, Makayla introduced herself, and asked me how I was doing. By the end of class I felt IT. It being that electricity in my body like my nerve endings were on fire. 

Makayla made me feel desired with just wanting to know more about me, and I cherished our friendship. As the end of the school year was approaching, my time with Makayla was over as well, and we went our separate ways for summer break. 

The first day back in my senior year started with a bang when Makayla walked into the lunchroom with a dress, makeup, and a boyfriend. I was stunned. I called her everything, but a child of god to my friends. They looked at me like, "why do you care?" I realized that I did care...more than I should have at that point.

At the time it was so easy to ignore what I was feeling for Makayla because she did not fit the mold of what I desired. Therefore, I dismissed our time together as nothing more than a couple of good conversations. 

As I made my way to college, I realized that I never had a serious boyfriend and I was still a virgin. Feeling left out, I decided to open my mind to a boyfriend. He was handsome, ambitious, popular, and privileged. Best of all he was awkward like me. I felt as if my Prince had finally arrived. 

Three years passed. We still hadn't had sex. There was alot of on and off time between us due to the lack of intimacy. I thought to myself if you really love him you would open your body to him. So, we had sex. Sex with him was like taking Robitussin, it taste terrible, but you take it to heal something. 

Nothing was healed. We had a huge falling out, and we never spoke again.

As I began to retract from dating, I started noticing patterns in my past relationships. I was never attracted to the guy first, and I never wanted physical intimacy. I dated safe men, who I could control, and I kept them at a distance so I never had to get emotionally involved. 

My dating habits were so unclear to me until last year when I was sitting at home, and came across The Real L Word. As I watched Whitney and Sarah exchange vows, the rainbow light bulb went off in my head and I panicked. 

Me? 

A lesbian? 

Naw. 

But it is true, and I don't have a fairytale story to reference. I feel lost without it too, how do you identify feminine lesbians? Where do they go to meet each other? How do you prepare to tell your family? I did not prepare for this. So, as I begin to understand my sexuality everyday I'll leave the fairy tales to children because Sleeping Beauty and all those other broads could never handle this shit.
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