Sunday, February 24, 2013

Survey Results: The Mating Habits Of Black Lesbians


A little over a week ago I asked you, the readers of this blog, to take a survey about black lesbian mating habits. This blog includes your responses to that survey. *Note: I didn't list all your answers. I went through and pulled answers from each survey.

A few observations...

Most of you said you are in a relationship, but when you are single you find it hard to meet quality women. 

Black lesbians, those who read this blog, are far more liberal about interracial relationships than their heterosexual counterparts. Only one black lesbian said she is against interracial relationships...though almost all of you said you prefer to date other black women.

Most of you don't have children and most of you said you are not willing to date someone with children.

To my surprise, some of you stated a preference for a skin tone (i.e., dark-skinned, light-skinned etc). 

Most of you identify as fems.

Most of you said you believe in gender roles (i.e., one partner needs to dominate or take the lead while the other is submissive).

Last but not least, quite a few older black women read this blog. By older I mean middle age, which is surprising considering I'm only 27 years old. 

Survey results....

1).  Are you currently single? If yes, how long have you been single? If no, how long have you been in a relationship? How do you typically meet women? Do you find it difficult to meet women?
  • Yes. I've been single for a month. I usually meet them online. Yes, I find it very difficult. I'm femme and I live in St Louis. The gay scene here is full of young ratchets. And being femme, I don't often get approached by women in non-gay establishments. Even online, its hard to find non ratchets in St Louis.
  • Been in a relationship for two years. I randomly meet women mostly night clubs tho. I find it hard to meet women my age, I always seem to attract younger females. Can't help it.
  • I am single, however, my ex still lives with me, how's that for something different. I have been singe for two and a half years. Presently I'm using Zoosk, and I find it interesting, since I find it very difficult to meet women of substance.
  • Yes, 5 months, typically through friends or approaching women directly, Yes it is difficult meeting other feminine lesbians like myself.
  • I have been in a relationship for six year and were recently engaged last month. We met at work. Prior to her I did not date women;however we took a break and found it nearly impossible to meet a woman meeting my standards.
2). How old were you when knew you were gay? When and how did you come out of the closet? Has being out or in the closet impacted your personal life?
  • I knew I was different, probably when I was 11- I brushed it of as being bi-curious. When I was 15 I accepted that I, indeed loved women as much as I loved boys. I accepted that I only wanted to be with women when I was 19 (December 2012)

    I've come out to most of my friends and a few cousins know and my older sister knows. Everytime I came out to those people it was because I'd be "in love" with some girl and I'd either forget not to use definate pronouns or I'd use "she" by accident.

    Being out to most of my friends has made talking about my relationships easier and I'm able to interact with women I'm interested in more easier. My relationships have been much easier, not having to hide my partners or introduce them as my "friends".

    Being a black lesbian in South Africa, in itself is difficult. Despite having the right to marry whomever I love, I still have to contend with the fact that most of my family are traditionalists and believe that homosexuality is either a "white thing" or the devil's work and I've heard them pass homophobic remarks, which makes it difficult for me to come out.I never talk about my relationships with my mother because I have no clue how she'll react to my being intimate with a woman and this has put strain on our relationship.
  • 8. There was no coming out, just lived my life No impact at all
  • Looking back I was since first grade but didn't know what it was at the time.
  • I was 12 yrs old. I came out at 13 closer to 14. I didn't willingly expose my sexuality, it was a text message gone wrong that informed my family of my way of life. Yes, being in the closet impacted my life with my partner, my classmates, and really anyone who knew my secret that had to lie and watch what they do and say just to protect me.
  • In high school I knew I liked women but didn't interpret those feelings into being gay. I've been out the closet for about 5 yrs. I just gradually began telling those close to me. My Mom took it hard but she has adjusted.
3). Is race a significant factor when choosing a partner? Do you have a preference? Do interracial relationships amongst black lesbians bother you?
  • Yes, race is a significant factor when choosing a partner. I am an African-American female who prefers African-American women. Interracial relationships amongst black lesbians do bother me.
  • Race isn't a factor to me, but I'm more attracted to my own race. Some females of other races turn me on but I just can't see long term. Yes i have a preference. No interracial relationships don't bother me at all. Love is love.
  • Race: Yes for me it is. I have a preference. Interracial relationships do not bother me, but it's not for me. I tried it twice, and they were the shortest relationships I've had, if I can called them relationships.
  • I'm black and I don't have a preference but I tend to always date non-black women. It's not intentional...it just flows like that I guess. Also, I encourage interracial dating.
  • Myself and my girlfriend are black. I've never dated outside of my race but I've considered it but could never bring myself to do that. It doesn't bother me seeing an interracial couple together. I am in no place to judge who others fall in love with.

4). What are you looking for in a mate? Or what is your ideal mate? What do you look for physically in mate? Are you able to find what you desire? If not, why?
  •  I look for a masculine women overall. Physically I am attracted to a medium to dark brown skinned woman with long dreds. I was able to find the perfect mate.
  •  Ideal mate: someone who's either studying in college or has a stable job. She must be intelligent and have a sense of humour and be aware of current affairs. She must be confident and jonest but not mean-spirited and mature. She doesn't have to have a large vocabulary, but she should speak well and she shouldn't text like she doesn't have a decent education Phyically: well proportioned. Have a great smile, and be clean. Hairstyle isn't a biggie for me but hair must be clean NO dirty old weave.
  • 30+, BA/BS degree minimally, Employed, Kid free, Feminine, Cultured, Sophisticated, Sense of humor, Values loyalty, honesty, and respect
  • I'm looking for someone who's honest, trustworthy, sweet, committed once in a relationship, no children, no studs and communication is important. Physically someone who is not obese, feminine like me, keeps their appearance up and has goals that they are working towards.
  • Someone educated, with a goal or at least an idea of what they want out of life. someone to give me 100 % back of what I give them. I'm what you would call the old school house wife. I cook, I clean, I run bath water, I fix plates, I wash clothes ect. so a little appreciation is really all I ask, from someone who deserves the treatment...I love girls brighter than me, I'm a coco tone (but not dark dark) I've always found myself with girls that are yellow or right up under it... taller than me (5'3 1/3) a great smile. and an attractive face. Yes, I run into my type a lot, but they always have the physical and not the mental or both, but end up being hoes.

5). Are you attracted to fems, studs or both? What attracts you to your preference? Are you willing to date outside your preference or is it stuck in stone?
  • I'm attracted to both. I prefer fems. I'm not attracted to 'hard' studs or women that are extremely masculine. If a woman met all of my other desires, 'orientation' would not matter.
  •  I am attracted to fems and stems but not studs. As a lesbian I want a woman if I wanted a man I'd be with a man not a stud.
  • Feminine women only and it's concrete.
  • I'm a soft stud, but I'm attracted to the person, whether they are femme or stud, but not hardcore studs or bois. I'm attracted by facial appearance first like most folk, but after the 10 second look, I check how the person dresses. I can't answer, if I will date outside my preference; yes I can: No.
  • Fems. In attracted to fems because of how they carry themselves and how seductive they can be. No set in stone

6).  Do you believe in gender roles (ex. one partner is dominate while the other is submissive)? Explain why you answered yes or no.
  • Yes. Our society has aided in the belief that someone needs to be dominant in a relationship in order for decisions to be made. My girlfriend and I have purposefully not identified a "man" and "woman" in our relationship but generally we alternate being the dominant and submissive person in the relationship. So far this has been working however it is key to communicate and make sure the other is comfortable with how decisions are being made.
  • No. All relationships have one who is aggressive and one who is more subtle. The point of a relationship is balance and that's not gender specific. Even friendships can have the same dynamic.
  • To a degree. I believe we are all women and someone is always going to be more assertive than the other. Assertive is a better word for me, because I don't or won't be dominated nor will I dominate someone.
  • I do not believe in gender roles because I feel as if they should be fluid. Permanent gender roles are dangerous in any given relationship because they then perpetuate power structures between two people. It is unhealthy for one partner to carry out a submissive role, meanwhile the other partner carries out a dominant role due to the fact that the relationship becomes unhealthy and unbalanced, which ultimately leads to betrayal, hurt, pain, dishonesty, and etc.
  • No. I can be either or a blend and I think that I would work best in a relationship where they are the same way.

7). Do you have children? If so, has it hurt your ability to get a date? Would you date someone with children? Why or why not?
  •  No, I don't have children. I prefer not to date women with children. The one time I did, I did not agree with her parenting style and it was clear that I could not be with that woman longterm because I would not want to raise children with her. I don't do well with baggage. Children are great, but they are often accompanied with significant baggage.
  • Yes, but he is grown now, and it never hurt my ability to date; in fact it attracted my first love of 9 years. Now I would not date anyone with children at home. Too much drama.
  • Yes. It has hurt it because many attractive lesbians have kids and since I don't, it's hard for me to accept a woman w/ a young child. Now for an older woman with an older child (10+ yrs) I am open minded to that.
  • No I don't have children. No I wouldn't date a woman with children because there is too much drama that comes with that situation.
  •  I do not have children. I would not date someone with children because I am 24 and feel that having to deal with children in addition to my partner would be too much to handle and quite honestly too serious.

8). Do you enjoy lesbian sex? How often do you have sex? Do you find that lesbianism is more emotional than sexual? Do you date bisexuals/bi-curious women?
  • I love lesbian sex and when I was in a relationship we had sex frequently in the beginning of our relationship. However, toward the end it started to be once per week. I do find that lesbianism is more emotional than sexual, but I do think that the sexual aspect both compliments and enhances the emotional aspect. The sexual aspect validates, strengthens and confirms the emotional realm. I have only dated one girl, and she identified as a lesbian. Therefore I do not have extensive experience with bisexual/bicurious women.
  • Hell yes. Who else knows a woman's body better than a woman? Who else knows what a woman wants better than a woman. I find to have a balance you need equal: emotions (closeness) and the physical (sex). I would never, ever date a bisexual/bi-curious women. Too many DL brothers out there, too many.
  • Yes, I enjoy lesbian sex. I don't have it often because I'm single. Yes, so far for me, it has been more emotional. Yes, I have dated bisexuals. I haven't dated bicurious but at this point I'm open to casually dating one if there was trust. I'm SO afraid of stds that I really haven't done the lesbian casual sex thing.
  • Of course. When I'm in a relationship we make love every chance we get but if I'm single then it's "Vibrating Vicki" Lol I have a highs sex drive but I'm not a fan of casual sex. I think lesbian sex is both emotional & sexual. And no I only date lesbians.
  • Yes I enjoy sex. My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship thus we only have sex whenever we are together which is probably 8 times a year. Yes lesbianism is definetly more emotional than sexual. In general woman by nature are more emotional beings when compared to men. I considered my self to be bi sexual and my girlfriend is a lesbian. I have no problem dating a bisexual woman but not a bi curios woman.

9). Do you want to get married and have children? If so, do you fear it might not happen? How do you plan to have children?
  • I do want to get married and eventually have children. I do have worries, particularly as a Black lesbian that I will not get married or have children. I am unsure as to how I will have children yet.
  • Yes, marriage and children are in my future. I fear marriage might not happen. I'm 30 and I thought I'd be settled by now. Children WILL happen. Adoption is my 1st choice. Considering the expenses associated with adoption, artificial insemination will likely be an option too.
  • I do want to get married and eventually have children. I do have worries, particularly as a Black lesbian that I will not get married or have children. I am unsure as to how I will have children yet.
  • Yes I want to get married and have four kids. I fear that I might not have four but I know that ill have kids. My girlfriend and I each will each carry one child to term through in vitro and we will adopt two children.
  • No, not again. I was married to my girl for 15 yrs. No children. I have grands.

10). What worries you the most about dating, marriage and relationships?
  • Being 64 and never knowing my soulmate or possibly overlooked her in my younger years. Basically I don't want to grow old alone. I've seen it happen and it's sad as shit.
  • Wasting my time on a liar. I'm not getting any younger lol
  • That I will not find one that was as rewarding and significant as my first relationship with a black lesbian.
  • Dating: Stds. Marriage and relationships: finding someone trustworthy and worth the time and effort I'm more than willing to give.
  • I'm worried that my homosexual lifestyle will negatively affect my career and my relationship with my family. I'm worried that the pressure that I feel from my families will cause me to settle with a man. But I try not to think of those things; I try to enjoy my girlfriend and love her more each day...Nice survey it really made me think about some things. Also I love your blog keep it up.
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