Monday, January 28, 2013

I Swear I Will NEVER Let My Uncle Fix Me Up Again!

If I ever had any doubts that black men will fuck anything they were laid to rest today. Let me officially set the record straight. I truly believe black men will fuck ANYTHING! I don't care if it's a 300 LB white woman or a transsexual, I have seen little in my 27 years to say otherwise... 

Today my uncle called me. This particular uncle is my mother's youngest half-brother on her father's side of the family. He is exactly 10 years older than me. He is my favorite uncle because he is cool as hell! When I say cool, I mean I can go to the strip club with this man and feel completely comfortable. He doesn't judge me and he's completely understanding of my sexuality. 

My uncle is a  womanizer. He has four children by three different women. I have never met two of his children. As far as I know my uncle rarely sees his own children. He had his oldest child when he was in high school by a woman that died in her early twenties. The child they had together was raised by the woman's parents. My uncle married his second babymama and they had two children together. According to my uncle, he only married her because HER parents forced his hand. Last but not least, my uncle recently had a child with a woman he was shacking up with here in Atlanta. 

To make a long story short my uncle uses women. He makes no secret about it. He hooks up with several women and uses them for what he can get out of them (usually money, temporary housing and access to their credit). My uncle is a rolling stone. He changes women like he changes clothes. Where ever he lays his dick at that time is his home!

Most of the women my uncle deals with are BUSTED as fuck. When I say busted I mean UGLY AS HELL! I imagine they must have low self-esteem because my uncle isn't even the most handsome man in the world, and he doesn't have shit to offer a woman. Yet they let him run all over them. 

Anyway, my uncle called me today...

Me: Hello?

Uncle: Hey niece, what are you doing?

Me: Watching TV.

Uncle: Cool. You know how you're always telling me to hook you up with a bad chick?

Me: Yeah. 

Uncle: Well, I found you someone and she got a phat ass! Damn this chick's ass is phat! You'll like her. 

Me (Interested): What she look like?

Uncle: I'mma send you a picture. Her ass is phat!

Me: Where did you meet her?

Uncle: I was trying to spit game to her, but she said she like pussy. I'mma send you a pic in five minutes.

Me: Okay. 

The call ended. Thirty minutes later (this kneegrow is never on time for anything) the picture arrives....

Yes, this is the pic he sent me. I blurred her face to hide her identity. 

Me: (Face palm, and talking to myself): Man, what the fuck?!? 

A few thoughts that went through my mind while staring at this woman's picture...
  1. Why in the hell would you send someone, a complete stranger, a booty shot? First impressions are LAST impressions. Where is this broad's self-respect?
  2. Her ass really isn't that phat. If anything she needs to hit a stairmaster because she got a serious case of cellulite. 
  3. Damn her face is ugly. 
  4. Her weave is two different colors! WTF?!?
  5. This is the last time I let my uncle fix me up with a woman. Ugh!
  6. To my uncle this woman is probably a 10 (I'm going by the women he usually pulls), but to me she is just another hoodrat!
When I spoke to my uncle later I gave him a piece of my mind...

Me: That's okay...I'm not interested. 

Uncle (surprised): Why? She's tight!

Me: Maybe in your world, but she is NOT my type. 

Uncle: You're too picky.

Me: Damn right. I don't need help finding a thirsty hoodrat. I can find one of those myself! I mean damn...c'mon son!

Uncle (chuckle): Yeah...okay!

Never again will I let this man fix me up. NEVER!

For those of you wondering, this is what a nice phat toned ass looks like...

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