Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Facing My Fears


I know sometimes I come across as arrogant and confident on this blog, but nothing is further from the truth. I'm actually quite vulnerable and I second guess myself often. I put on a brave front but deep down inside I'm afraid of many things. As much as I talk about finding the right woman and starting a family I'm actually afraid of doing just that.

The woman of my dreams entered my life a few weeks ago. For the record she feels the same way about me. I didn't see it coming. I've been knocked out of my comfort zone because I don't know what comes next. I found myself pushing her away (again). Not because I actually want her to go away, but because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't live up to her expectations. I'm afraid I won't be able to catch her when she's falling. I'm afraid I won't be what she needs. 

Why? 

Because I haven't lived up to my own expectations yet. While I would hardly call myself a failure of a bum, I can honestly say I'm not where I want to be in life. I'm not where I think I should be at twenty-seven years old. I'm still a work in progress.

This isn't something I just feel with this particular woman. I feel it with almost every woman that has entered my life. 

As much as I want my dream woman and kids, I don't feel like I can adequately be a provider right now. I have the potential to be something great. I know my time is coming, but I feel like I'm coming up short right now. I'm struggling out here on my own...I don't know if it's right to drag another person into my life at this point. I hope that makes sense. 

It would be nice to meet someone who doesn't mind struggling right along with me, but I think this is too much to ask of someone in this day and age...especially a woman interested in starting a family. I think most women want to be comfortable in life and they want someone to provide. I want very much to be the breadwinner of my family but I haven't made it to this point yet. 

When I'm afraid I start pushing people away. I know I need to stop. I want to stop. My dream woman is standing right in front of me. I should be going hard to win her heart. I shouldn't let anything or anyone (sorry Yellow Bone) stand in the way.

But I'm scared as hell!

I'm scared I might not live up to her expectations of me. I don't want a woman to look at me the same way I look at my father. I believe I have potential, but that potential hasn't manifested or monetized yet. Whoever I end up with will have to cope with that reality....and that's why I find myself wanting to be with this woman one minute and pushing her away the next.

P.S. To all you Yellow Bone lovers...yeah I guess I'm that bastard! It's just a matter of time before I break her heart again.
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