Monday, July 4, 2011

Culture, Hertiage & Self-Hate

Black people have issues--and I don't mean just African Americans. No I think black people in general have some serious issues. A lot of us suffer from self-hate. I didn't realize how deep it is until recently. 

People following this blog should know I have battled my own inner demons and self-hate. I would like to think I have come out on top after learning more about my history, culture, genealogy and overcoming a deep, dark depression. 

Everyone isn't so lucky.

I have my issues with black women...God knows I do, but at the end of the day black women are the ONLY race of women I desire.  The bald black woman in the picture to the left is what I want. I want to share my life with a black woman. I want to produce kids with a black woman. I want to grow old with a black woman. No other race of women on the face of the planet can make me feel the way black women do. 

As much as I have tried dating outside of my race, I can honestly say the experience left me feeling empty inside--as if something was missing. I could not bring myself to love those non-black women. I wasn't moved at all by them or their presence in my life. Looking back now I think I was running from my own self-pity and hate (along with the pain I felt from a black woman that broke my heart)--trying to see if the lie about the "other side" being better is true. Needless to say I found myself miserable. This self-discovery has made me aware of a few things...

I have been talking to a young lady (she is black) who has told me she is not attracted to black women. I won't lie--this turned me off because there is nothing more repulsive to me than to hear someone black utter such bullshit. Yes, I know I've pretty much said the same thing on this blog, but as stated above I came to my senses. Am I attracted to all black women? No. However, they are who I find myself the MOST attracted to of all women. Anyway this particular chick grew up in an environment that socialized her to accept people of other races, which is a good thing. My only issue with her is the fact that I cannot overlook what I have determined is self-hate.

How is it possible for a dark-skinned black lesbian woman NOT to be attracted to black women? Not that skin tone makes any difference, but here in the USA this is the group of black women MOST vocal about the discrimination they face from everyone. So it bothers me that this woman would be discriminatory against her own kind. If you ask her about it she can see nothing wrong with her preference. She is perfectly content to breed out her genes. On the surface it seems that race doesn't matter to her, but then if this were true surely she would find black women attractive. This woman's preference is more than likely the result of socialization, self-hate, conditioning, and just plain old ignorance.

For a while I allowed myself to fantasize about this woman because I was taken by the idea of the uniqueness of our situation (no I won't go into detail). But then the light in my head came on and I found myself disgusted. My need for a black woman that shares my dream of an ideal BLACK family with kids proud of their culture and heritage woke me up. I honestly can't take a woman like this seriously. Black people need to learn that the ONLY people we really have in this world is each other. There is no substitute. There is no alternative. At the end of the day we cannot run from or abandon who and what we are so why not accept it and embrace it? I love black women. But I cannot love or respect a woman who does not know who she is and does not love herself enough to appreciate and preserve her heritage.

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