Monday, October 26, 2009

Something That Annoys Me

Do you ever wonder why some people achieve success while others always fall on their butts? For some people it seems no matter what they touch it turns into gold. What did they do to get so lucky? Even the people who are doing illegal things seem to be better off than the working class sucker. Why? Why am I, the honest college graduate, struggling so hard to make ends meet while some individual who has been doing wrong all his or her life is able to make a comfortable living?

It makes me angry knowing that I might have gone to college in vain. It annoys me that I might be reduced to being a working class citizen while some wise guy or girl is able to hustle up some money illegally and still come out on top. Whoever said, "Good guys finish last" wasn't lying. No matter how much I try it seems everything I touch fails.

If I actually listened to my parents lectures all my problems would come down to my sexuality. In their eyes I'm being "punished by God" for sleeping with women or disrupting the natural order of things. "Until you turn your life around hell is going to rain down on you," is what I've been told over and over again by my parents. If I wasn't comfortable in my own skin I might actually believe some of the things said by my folks.

My brother who has a technical school education is doing better than me. He works  and attends school. He also collects a VA education benefits check due to my disabled military father--damn I miss that check. It annoys me watching him do better than me because I've always felt a need to compete with him. He's always been my father's favorite child while my older brother has always been my mother's favorite child. I have always been stuck in middle trying to get love from who ever was willing to give it. Anything and everything I did was virtually ignored--including graduating from college--My mother didn't even attend the ceremony (a long story).

The only person who ever made me feel like she gave a damn was my grandmother. Whenever I needed something for school or just wanted to talk my grandmother has always been there. Till this day she's more willing than anyone to give me money when needed--though I feel guilty for taking it (she lives off social security).

I guess at this point I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I should have tried a different approach to life. Instead of doing what I was told to do all my life--"go to college"--I should have looked for something more.
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