Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I Have Fallen For A Married Woman


I swear 2014 will go down as the year of contradictions for me...

This year I fell for a white woman.

This year I had a series of dreams about fucking a man.

And now, I'm in love with a married woman.

*Face palm*

I met her through a mutual friend. She moved to Atlanta in August because her job transferred her. I met her in September. When we first met I didn't think much of her. I thought she was incredibly cute, but I didn't give her much thought because she told me she was married with no kids.

Physically, she is light-skinned, a little chubby, with a nice set of dimples. If you know anything about me, you should know I don't do chubby. So, the fact that I'm even attracted to her physically is something new as well. 

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog I will call her dimples. Dimples is 35 years old. She's been with her husband since she was 19 years old. Apparently the two of them want children, but it hasn't happened for them. She is a hardworking career woman. Her husband is a bum ass nigga (seriously, dude is a full-time housewife).

Last Friday I took Dimples to Lenox Mall. Since arriving in Atlanta she hasn't done any sight seeing...nor has she ventured out. So, I took her to Lenox Mall to shop and get some Garrett's popcorn, which is the current talk of the town. I had a nice time. I think she did too. 

In the course of our trip to the mall we discussed aspects of our lives. I informed her that I'm really into ancient African history and genealogy. I educated her on my family history and DNA. She said it was something she found interesting. 

She informed me of her birthday which is later this month. I thought to myself, "I'm going to buy her a DNA test for her birthday..." for genealogical purposes. 

I bought the test and gave it to her yesterday. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said she was excited about it. Later that day I received a text message from her saying the DNA test was too much. I replied, "Don't worry about it. I want you to have it. You'll thank me once you get your results. It is an enlightening experience." A few minutes later I received a call from her...

She told me she felt some kind of way about me giving her the DNA test. I asked why? She didn't respond directly but she did ask me if I was having thoughts about her? This showed me exactly why she was so bothered by the gift. To her it was like me giving her roses or something that would indicate my romantic interest in her.

There was an awkward moment of silence. 

Yes, I was having thoughts about her, but me gifting her the DNA test had nothing to do with that. So, I denied it. 

Me (playing dumb): What kind of thoughts?

Her: Romantic thoughts.

Me: No, I'm not having those kinds of thoughts. 

Again, it was a lie. I was having those thoughts, but I didn't plan to act on them. I don't have it in me to go after a married woman...not to mention someone who is clearly not a lesbian. 

Sigh, but even still I can't get her out of my mind. I think about her all the time...and I want her.  

Monday, December 8, 2014

Buddhism & My Quest For Internal Peace


My New Year's resolution is to find some internal peace. Anyone following this blog should know I am a tortured soul. I suffer from depression. I suffer from self-doubt. I suffer from anxiety. I suffer period. 

Well, I'm tired of suffering. 

I recently began studying Buddhism. I first became interested in the religion in college. It is the only religion that has ever appealed to me. I suppose that is because Buddhist don't worship a God. Instead, Buddhist live their lives by a set of principles. This appeals to me more than Christianity ever did.

My hope is to be a better person and find happiness.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

My Desire To Date Outside Of My Ethnic Group

My God this woman is beautiful!

I want to meet some black women who are NOT African American or American born for that matter... 

I would like to meet and date some black women who came to the USA for college, work, etc, but were NOT born and raised here. 

I specifically want to meet non-American born  black women because I have yet to run across one that was born here (America) who did not assimilate into my community (i.e., African American/black community) culture wise. On one hand I understand why this happens. I imagine non-American blacks find themselves just as socially isolated as African Americans due to their race and therefore they have little choice but to assimilate into the African American community (especially in the south). On the other hand, I wish it didn't happen because I like the idea of meeting and getting to know black people who don't share my culture.

I guess what I'm looking for is a black woman from a different ethnic group, who does not share my culture.

Why?

Two reasons that should be obvious at this point:
  1. Overall, today's African American culture disgust me. It is a cesspool. I often find it hard to relate to black women in my age group. I often scratch my head and wonder who in the hell raised some of these chicks?
  2. I'm genuinely interested in black women from other parts of the world (i.e., the African Diaspora). You intrigue me. I think you are beautiful. 
I've only dated one black woman who wasn't African American. She was from the Virgin Islands and she was batshit crazy. She is the only black woman I've ever dated who I can honestly say I HATE with a burning passion.

I wonder if any black women from the west indies read my blog? How about non-black Americans living in the U.S.? I know a few black women from several African nations read my blog because they have emailed me.  

If you fit into any of the above categories I would love to hear more about you. 

When did you come to the U.S.? Why did you come to the US? Do you still have ties to your homeland?  When did you know you were gay? Is it hard for you to find a partner if you live in the US? How do you feel about African American women and the African American community? 

Bonus questions: How do you feel about white people? Do you find that your feelings about white people are different from those of the average African American? If so, why do you think there is a difference (after all, we share a similar history when it comes to colonization, white supremacy, racism etc)?

Comment below or email me: lezintellect@gmail.com

Friday, December 5, 2014

Haters


This is going to be a rant, but I will try to make it short. 

There is a reason I don't have many friends. Generally speaking I don't trust people. Too many fake ass people out here who will smile in your face one minute and try to clown the hell out of you behind your back the next minute. Some people call them backstabbers....I call them haters. 

Today I had to cut some people loose. I heard they were talking about me behind my back. The funny thing about haters is they seem oblivious to the reality that whatever is said about someone almost always comes back to that person. 

I'm not mad, angry, or disappointed. I kicked these motherfuckers out my circle and I'm keeping it moving. 

I don't forgive people like this ever. Once you cross me any type of friendship or association we had is OVER. DONE. THE END.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

White Gays & White Supremacy


This topic has been on my mind quite a bit...

If you watch television like me you probably noticed a disproportionate representation of gay white men. I don't care what channel or show, if there is a same sex couple on that show chances are it is a white gay couple and their interactions with each other are usually realistic, emotional, and sexually explicit (something I don't believe is shown in the few lesbian couples I see on television. In fact, lesbian couples appear asexual to me and it's hard to believe they are in a relationship with each other).

Obviously when producers think about gay representation and homosexual viewership they think of ONE group: Gay white men.

We rarely see lesbian couples of any race on television. The racial hierarchy of same sex representation on television looks like this (in order)...
  • White gay man + White gay man (Anglo-saxons)
  • White gay man (Anglo-saxon) + White Latino
  • White gay man + Non-white gay man (usually Asian...rarely/never black man)
  • White gay latino + Black gay man (rare match...includes black latinos)
  • White gay latino + Asian gay man (rare match)
  • Black gay man + black gay man (only seen on shows produced by blacks...includes black latinos)
  • Asian gay man + Black man (I've never seen it)
  • Asian gay man + Asian gay man (I've never seen it)

If producers decide to show lesbians at all (instead of gay white men) the racial hierarchy usually looks like this... 

  • White lesbian + White lesbian (Anglo-saxons)
  • White lesbian + White Latino
  • White lesbian + Non-white lesbian (usually Asian)
  • White latino lesbian + Asian lesbian
  • White lesbian + Black lesbian
  • White latino lesbian + Black lesbian (includes black latinos)
  • Asian lesbian + Black lesbian (includes black latinos....rare)
  • Black lesbian + Black lesbian (I've never seen it...includes black latinos)
  • Asian lesbian + Asian lesbian (I've never seen it)

We NEVER EVER see Asian gays with other Asian gays.

We NEVER EVER see Black lesbians with other Black lesbians (outside of some low-budget stereotypical web series...a whole different conversation...I'm talking about mainstream representation in this blog). 

These two groups, if represented at all, are almost always paired with someone white.  

Non-white lesbians and gays are never paired with members of their race (again unless said show is produced by members of that race). They are almost always paired with someone white.

Gay white men are almost always the goto same sex coupling represented in the media...even more so than white lesbian + white lesbian. In fact, they might as well rename LOGO white gay male television because that channel is almost entirely centered around gay white men.

I believe this is intentional. You would have be deaf and blind not to know the gay rights movement in this country is largely centered around gay WHITE MEN. If they weren't the face of this movement I don't honestly think the gay marriage debate would be where it is today. And this is due to the place white men (whether gay or straight) hold in western society (keep in mind several prominent white men are gay). 

Gay marriage is becoming the law of the land because gay WHITE MEN want to get married. It is not that way because gay white women want to get married. It is not that way because black gays and lesbians want to get married. It is that way because the wicked motherfuckers (white men) who have positioned themselves socially and economically above every other group using patriarchy and white supremacy want to get married (again...keep in mind white gay men are still white men).

If it was a situation where just black gays and lesbians wanted to get married the shit would have been vetoed a long time ago. 

I honestly don't even believe white lesbians have the power to get gay marriage laws passed without white men wanting those rights for themselves.

This is why it's all the more annoying and ridiculous to hear gay white men try to compare their plight to black people....get the fuck out of here! 

I said it before and I'll say it again, the ONLY people who can compare and contrast being black/racial injustice to being gay/fight for gay rights are BLACK GAYS and BLACK LESBIANS.

I will be honest. I can't watch gay men (regardless of race) on television. When they pop up on my favorite television shows I turn the channel. I would far rather watch two women (regardless of race) than two gay men. Blame social conditioning and patriarchy for my internalized homophobia.

Anyway, these are my thoughts for today.

Monday, December 1, 2014

I'm Feeling Restless


At the moment I'm feeling quite restless. This happens to me ever so often when I don't feel like I'm being productive. I feel like I'm missing something in my life. I don't feel full-filled at all. 

I'm not talking about a woman (though a nice well-rounded black woman would be nice). I'm talking about something missing in my professional life. I don't work. I refuse to get a job. Technically, I guess I'm not a struggling artist because I do make good income from my royalties. 

I guess my unhappiness stems from the fact that I'm not writing the type of work that makes me happy. I'm not writing the type of work that will get me the recognition I feel I deserve.

I have thought about writing my memoir, but then I quickly pushed the idea aside. Why? Because I'm only 29 and I don't think I've lived an interesting life. Basically, my memoir would be boring as hell. 

Next, I thought about writing a creative non-fiction story about my family history/genealogy. But then I dismissed that idea as well because I don't feel I have enough information to turn my family history into Roots.

Next, I thought about writing a story about a complex black woman going through a range of emotions that eventually leads her to radial feminism and black supremacy. Of course this story is loosely based on me, but I always wanted to channel my rage into a story that outlines the plight of a black woman. We never get to see a real emotional account of what it's like to be both black and female. 

Sigh...I just don't know where to start.

Friday, November 28, 2014

I Am Going To Africa


I just paid several thousands of dollars for a 20 day trip to Africa. I plan to take the trip in July 2015. It is my 30th birthday present to myself. Here is a list of countries I am visiting....
  1. South Africa (specifically Cape Town)
  2. Bostwana
  3. Zimbabwe
  4. Rwanda
  5. Ethiopia
  6. Egypt
  7. Namibia
  8. Tanzania
  9. Mozambique 
  10. Kenya
In  addition to these countries, I will be going on an African safari in South Africa and Rwanda. I will also be visiting Victoria Falls. 

This is probably the most expensive trip I will ever take. However, I think it is well worth the money. My trip will be guided by an English speaking tour guide. I will be staying in the finest hotels and I'm flying first class.

The only regrettable thing about this trip is I won't be visiting any of the west African countries that run through my veins. Why? Because of the situation with Ebola. It is not clear if the problem will be handled by July 2015. 

I know there are several people from various African nations that read my blog. I would love to have a REAL conversation with you. Perhaps we can chat over Skype. If you are interested please email me lezintellect@gmail.com.
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