Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Restless Ambition

I am bored. My life is so unbelievably boring at the moment. As a matter of fact, I don't even think I have a life anymore. I don't work. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm not close to my family. I don't have many people I call "friend." My grandmother's dead. Truthfully, the only things I have in this world are my health and my money. That's about it.

I need something more. I want something more. For so long I've talked about starting a business, but something always gets in my way. Something always stops me. That something is a general lack of confidence and direction. 

I don't know what type of business to start. I know it needs to be something I love. I only love two things: Writing and books. 

Recently, I started thinking about creating a satire digital magazine that focuses on world affairs from a black perspective. Imagine being able to read my perspective (as you read it on this blog) in the form of commentary about world affairs, race, etc. In my head, it will be funny, bash, and my typical I don't give a shit if you don't like it commentary.

In my head, I imagine it will be a more entertaining version of The New Yorker & Mad Magazine...

The magazine I have in my head will be intentionally honest....and offensive. It will be satire for sure, but we all know satire typically holds a lot of truth. I'm fairly certain the magazine in my head will make white people uncomfortable to put it mildly. 

The idea of starting a digital magazine excites me because I won't have to worry about the cost of printing I can probably publish the magazine without worrying about attracting advertisers. Well, this puts me in an awesome position because I don't have to watch my tongue. 

Anyway, this idea is bouncing around in my head and I'm seriously thinking about doing it.

Monday, July 21, 2014

My New Blog For Black Lesbians...

Greetings loyal followers....and haters! 

I know y'all are missing me, but I haven't felt like blogging. I don't have anything interesting happening in my life. Therefore, I haven't been blogging. 

I think you will be pleased to know I have been productive in my "vacation" from blogging. In fact, I created a new blog. 

My new blog is called, Confessions of Black Lesbians. It is directly connected to my blogger account. I am the admin of the blog. 

I created Confessions of Black Lesbians for YOU! 

Seriously, I created it for those of you who want to write and blog, but don't have a platform or audience. Well, now you have all of the above. You have my audience and you have a blog. 

The idea behind Confessions of Black Lesbians is this...

A group of black lesbians who blog on ONE blog. It is supposed to be deeply personal. It supposed to be interesting. It is supposed to give insight into our relationships, our struggles, and our desires as black lesbians. 

In my head, it will be a blog much like my own, but authored by several different black lesbians from different walks of life. 

What I'm looking for....

I am looking for black lesbians who don't mind being honest and blunt. I'm looking for black lesbians who love to write and have a desire to tell their stories. I'm looking for black lesbians from every region of the world (Africa, USA, UK, Canada etc). I'm looking for educated black lesbians. I'm looking for cultured black lesbians. I'm looking for older black lesbians. I'm looking for young black lesbians. Most importantly of all I'm looking for black lesbians who are SERIOUS ABOUT WRITING AND BLOGGING.

How it works...
  1. If you're interested in writing for Confessions of Black Lesbians simply email me at lezintellect@gmail.com.  
  2.  You will need a GMAIL account. 
  3.  I will send you an invite to join my blog. You will then become an author on the blog. You will be able to post anytime you want using your email to access the blog. You can start blogging immediately. You can blog as often as you like.
  4. You don't have to ask my permission about what you can and cannot post. You can post whatever you want. As an author you have full access to your content.
I don't know why I didn't think to do this before. I have the ability to put others on and that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to read the type of content I want to read from other black lesbians. 

If you're interested in the opportunity email me.

Even if you're not interested in being an author on the blog subscribe to it and show some support!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A Decent Normal Black Woman....Damn Do They Even Exist Anymore???

I am sexually frustrated. The crop of black lesbians here in Atlanta is disappointing as fuck! I'm not attracted to them. I don't want to date them. I can't even look at them and get wet! It's depressing as hell. 

We got five kinds of black lesbians here....
  1. The obese masculine chicks (Disgusting....they look like they are one hamburger away from a heart attack)
  2. The flat chested middle school looking Lil Wayne wannabes (Disgusting! I can't even tell the difference between these chicks and little middle school black boys I see getting off the school bus in front of my apartment complex)
  3. The ratchet hoodrat with tattoos every damn place (Disgusting! I would be embarrassed as hell to be seen in public with this chick.)
  4. The good-looking chick with a shit load of issues (Normally the type I want...minus the issues). 
  5. The good-looking chick with a shit load of KIDS....(You couldn't pay me to fuck with one of these women...they are usually confused as hell...and their FATHERLESS kids are usually bad as hell). 
I don't know what to do anymore. More often than not when I see a black lesbian these days instead thinking to myself, "Damn she's fine" I'm thinking, "Ugh!"  

I don't understand why there are so many studs and butch chicks here. I'm not attracted to that and I'm baffled that some women actually find it attractive. I like a feminine woman with some ass and curves. I can't even look at a stud and get aroused.

I can't find a normal decent clean cut black lesbian to save my life. I want a sexy good girl. I want the girl next door with a pretty face, a banging body, who has some type of business about herself. I want a beautiful bookworm.

I can't find that shit! 

I swear to God I'm about to go out and find a badass Asian or Mexican. I'm sick of looking and coming up empty. I'm pushing 30 and I'm tired of hitting a brick wall with black women.

I've given up the idea of having my ideal black family. I don't think it's in the cards for me. If anything I'm probably going to end up with a multiracial family complete with mixed kids. 


Saturday, July 12, 2014

LOL....I Got A Story To Tell

I just finished watching the film, The Sandlot. I got the film for $5.00 at Wal-Mart. I've seen this movie a million times. I used to watch it all the time on TV when I was a kid. It's one of my favorite childhood movies. 

Anyway, watching this movie today made me laugh hard as hell. That's because I haven't seen it in years. My favorite scene is when the little boy with glasses fakes drowning in order to kiss the lifeguard at a pool...

While watching this movie I started thinking that I should write a script about a little black girl who is coming to age. I thought about doing this before, but I never actually sat down and did it. 

I could write and produce a film loosely based on my life as a young girl growing up in a dysfunctional family in the rural south. I have some fond memories of being a little tomboy amongst a family of boys. 

I remember growing up in a black middle class community (before my parents separated) and living two blocks from my old elementary school that decades before was predominately white, but became predominately black. When it became predominately black it also became the premier school in the county because my school became the academic bowl champions. The so-called "white" elementary school across town that was supposed to be better than our school came up short year after year. 

At that time my family lived in an apartment complex. What I remember the most about this place was the reality that just about all the black kids living there, with a few exceptions, lived in two parent households. On weekends we would run around the apartment complex and play stick ball in an area we called "the rocks."

When I was 9 my parents bought me a 10 speed bike for Christmas. My brothers and I used to ride our bikes down a steep hill that was covered in leaves, sticks etc. We called this area, "the hill." We were brave for having the courage to ride down the hill. 

I remember having a huge crush on my 5th grade teacher. She was a beautiful dark-skinned black woman. I loved her all the way up until high school. 

I remember my mom used to walk me and my brothers home from school (she didn't learn to drive until I was 10 years old). We used to walk pass all the nice suburban homes in the community and wish for the day that we would have a house of our own. Many of my classmates lived in those houses. Despite the reality that we were doing okay financially (at this point in time) I was incredibly embarrassed that I lived in an apartment while they lived in houses (most of their parents worked at the local tobacco factory where they made 50k a year...remember this was the 1990s and a SMALL rural town...that type of money was GREAT!).

I remember having a crush on a childhood friend who lived two doors down from me in the apartment complex. I remember we used to hang out with each other and she used to come over and play Sega with me and my brothers. I also remember when my mom caught my dad watching porn with her mother. I think that was the first time my mother left my father.  I remember her dragging his ass on the car after she packed me and my brothers up to leave.

I was a strange and awkward child. I was bucktoothed and in desperate need of some braces (I didn't get some until I entered high school). I didn't have many friends. I repeated the second grade because I couldn't read and no one bothered to teach me until after the fact. The class that left me behind ridiculed me right up until they entered middle school (one day they did this in front of the chocolate teacher I loved and it made me cry). 

Up until age 10 I was a slim trim normal size little girl. That all changed when I had a migraine headache and was forced to take steroids to get my right eye back open (the migraine ruptured a nerve and my eye closed). I blew up into a chubby baby elephant, which is where I stayed until the 9th grade. At that point, I learned to diet and exercise. As a result, the awkward child became a beautiful young woman with the confidence of a woman twice her age. 

I want to put all this in a film. I think it would make an interesting story. 

Let me know what you think...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

My Life & Sweat Chapter Four

I don't really have anything going on in my life at the moment (hence why I haven't been blogging). I wake everyday. I try to jog 3 miles a day. I lift a few weights. I watch soap operas and jeopardy (I don't have cable). I sit down at my computer, typewriter, word processor...whatever I feel like writing on that day....and I write. That's about it. 

It's sad...I know.

I must be getting old as fuck because I don't feel like I have much energy these days.

I still think about my grandma a lot and when I do I cry. I feel so sad some days. There is a void in my life and a hole in my heart. Sometimes I just feel so damn hurt. 

When I'm not feeling down I'm usually churning away at chapter four of Sweat, which will likely come before chapter one of Climaxxx. It wasn't planned that way. It just happened. I am incapable of writing multiple stories at once. Chapter four of Sweat was already in my head.

Chapter four of Sweat will introduce my final two characters, Jalisa and Alize. 

Next, to Odessa, I think Jalisa is probably my favorite character and that's largely because she's the woman I wish I could fuck!

Jalisa is a real bad chick! She is sexy, smart, and real as hell...but in an endearing way. In my head, Jalisa has a phat ass booty that's all natural. Her ass attracts attention wherever she goes. 

I like Jalisa's ass so much that I'm thinking about creating a serial just for her called, The Booty Chronicles

Y'all let me know what you think about that idea!!!

I'm also thinking about creating another cover for Sweat. In my head it will feature Mollica, Odessa, Fredericka, and Olivia on the cover and it will be reminiscent of the Vibe Magazine cover featuring Death Row Records...

Let me know what you think. If you have any suggestions comment below or send me an email.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Fighting The Symptom Rather Than The Problem

For the last two days I've been following a heated debate taking place across the black blogosphere. Curlynikki, a blog that focuses on natural women with curly hair (specifically black women) made a post featuring a white woman named Sarah. All hell broke loose after a vocal group of black naturals began speaking out against a white woman being featured on "their space." Soon thereafter several black blogs picked up on the controversy, including Ebony

In the course of two days I have learned the following...
  1. Curlynikki was started by a black woman, who later sold the website to a white corporation. So, it is no longer black owned.
  2. This is not the first time Curlynikki has featured a white woman. So, the outrage seems a bit disingenuous. 
  3. Many members of the "natural movement" are bat shit crazy. As militant as I am even I cringed at some of the stuff I've read from black women promoting the idea that natural hair = black women's shit. There are some people who truly believe this is the beginning of white women taking over the natural movement. I understand their thought process. After all, white women do have a history of piggybacking on black struggles. However, the fact that it even took a movement for black women to love and embrace their natural hair is more telling than anything.
  4. There are a helluva lot of damaged black women in this world. This observation comes from reading comments like, "Sarah needs to apologize for being featured here. She caused a lot of hurt and pain" or "She's the reason I grew up hating myself."
Here is my two cents...

Getting mad at a white woman featured on a website started by a black woman, but now owned by white people, is an oxymoron. Once upon a time Curlynikki was a "black" site. Now it is a white owned site that is operated by a black woman. 

It is no longer a "space for black women." It is no longer "a safe space for black women." White people own it. They can do whatever the hell they want with it. 

If this is an issue black women need to address the chick who sold the site. Obviously she wasn't thinking about it being a "a safe space for black women" when she sold it to white people. She was thinking about $$$. which is a whole different conversation.

Furthermore, it is not clear whether or not the black woman who started the website ever intended it to be a site SOLELY for black women. The fact that she has featured white woman before makes it impossible to say that it was in fact intended solely for black women. 

The white woman at the center of this controversy is only a symptom of the problem. The actual problem here is white supremacy and a eurocentric standard of beauty that has been pushed down our throats for the last 400+ years.  People are simply lashing out at the white woman because of what she represents.

Traditionally, white women have been held as the standard of beauty in this world. White supremacy is the tool that was used to promote this standard. Black women, who are on the opposite side of this standard, have been ostracized, ridiculed, and made to feel ugly. Many of us are able to look past the bullshit and simply love ourselves. However, some of us have internalized this crap and we end up reading comments like, "I thought I was ugly growing up."

For so long many of us tried our damnedest to conform to this standard...naively believing we could do so. The reality is most black women will NEVER fit into a white standard of beauty. So, when a website black women claim as OUR own (however untrue this may be) features a white woman I imagine it can spark some unrest in women who aren't completely secure in themselves and have internalized the crap society says about their features, hair, etc.

I believe a lot of the anger in this situation stems from the reality that black women don't have our own standard of beauty. A black standard of beauty has never been created. We've had pockets of movements that promoted black beauty but they didn't last. We've been forced to conform to the white standard of beauty because 1). Whites control the job market 2). We've been conditioned and 3). Black men have been conditioned.

The 3rd point above is probably one of the more crucial of this discussion. 

The white beauty standard was shaped by white men. In their quest to promote white supremacy they labeled their women the most beautiful and desirable of them all. They promote the hell out them in the media. Black men, unfortunately, have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the white man's beauty standard....to the point where many of them expect black women to conform to that standard as well. 

Here is the problem with that...

Men traditionally create beauty standards. They say what is attractive in women. They say what is unattractive in women. Women have traditionally conformed to the desires of men in an effort to attract men. If black men expect black women to adhere to a beauty standard created by white men for white women it promotes a shit load of issues such as self-hate in black women.

The fact of the matter is black men have failed to create a black beauty standard. They are too busy subscribing to one that MOST black women cannot achieve. I truly believe this is the root of all the "hurt" and "pain" I've been reading. 

The men black women desire and love don't appear to desire and love them in their natural state. If they did this would be a non-issue. If black men put black women on the same pedestal that white men put white women I believe this whole thing would be a non-issue because black women would feel secure in their own beauty. 

If black men were to collectively start a movement that favors black women's natural beauty we would start seeing some healing in black women. The natural movement, as it stands today, is promoted by black women alone. Most black women aren't natural and most that I know aren't considering going natural. However, if the men they were interested in began collectively promoting and gravitating toward natural haired black women those women would quickly get on board.

I personally think black men are too far gone to create an authenticate black beauty standard. If black men were given the opportunity to create a black beauty standard I truly believe it would be so eurocentric that most black women still wouldn't fit it. Black men's minds have been colonized. They may not be physically in shackles but anyone paying attention can see they are fucked up beyond repair mentally.

Rather than fight this white woman, black women need to focus our attention on the things that have made it possible for her to have such a position in society. If white privilege is the issue then we need to be fighting white privilege. If white supremacy and an unfair beauty standard are the problems we need to be fighting white supremacy and an unfair beauty standard. 

Stop fighting the symptom and start fighting the problem. 

We need to be happy and comfortable in our own skin. We need to stop looking outside ourselves for validation. We need to love and support each other.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

I'm Turning 29 This Week...

This week I turn 29 years old. I don't quite know how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm happy to see another year. On another hand, I'm not exactly excited about getting older. 

There is so much I thought I would accomplish at this point in my life that's hasn't happened. Here is a list of things that haven't happened...
  1. I haven't married yet. There isn't even a potential wife in the picture. 
  2. I don't have any kids. I thought child #1 would be here at this point in my life. That hasn't happened yet because of #1. That clock in my head began ticking at age 25 and it gets louder every year. I constantly worry that I might not have any children.
  3. I don't own any property (i.e., a house). 
  4. While I'm grateful to be doing what I want to do in life, my writing career is still something that has highs and lows from time-to-time. It's not as stable as I would have liked and I'm honestly thinking about taking my ass to law school and calling it a day. I don't really feel like I have any solid direction in terms of a long-term career. The only things I'm certain of is I don't want to work in corporate America. I don't want to work for anyone white. I want to own my own business.
This year marks the end of my glorious twenties. It's time to get REAL about life and stop dreaming. The problem is I've been a dreamer all my life. I don't know how to stop dreaming and hoping. The older I get the more I feel like the character Walter Lee from A Raisin In A Sun

Do thoughts of disappointment naturally start once you've reached a certain age? 

Does optimism leave the picture completely at a certain age?

I'm tired of dreaming and hoping, but ending up disappointed.
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