I have received more hate mail from my last blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I think I have lost more subscribers as a result of that one blog post than EVER in the history of this blog. I expected folks to be surprised. I didn't expect the hate, disappointment, anger, and hostility.
This blog post is NOT about just one or two people. It is about SEVERAL people (some of which are old enough to be my mother) and several emails I have received...
I am not a perfect woman. I have never claimed to be a perfect woman. In fact, I have acknowledged my flaws. I'm hypocritical, egotistical, abrasive, and seemingly uncaring at times. I have owned up to all of the above.
I have also owned up to my racist beliefs, issues with depression, etc. This is nothing new.
I am a work in progress. People evolve. We grow. We learn. We change. I doubt I am the same person I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Why? Because of life and experiences.
My goals change. My desires change. The way I see the world changes.
I don't want to hate the world and I'm tired of being angry all the time. I miss being happy. I miss being in love. I miss courting a woman. I miss waking up next to someone. I have more money than I ever thought I would have, but I cannot enjoy it because I sit around pissed off all the time about things I can't control in the world.
I want some happiness goddammit!
It has come to me from the unlikeliest of sources: A white woman.
I have fallen in love with a white woman and this one fact alone has sent some of the women who follow this blog flying off a cliff!
I have received emails reading something like...
- "You are such a hypocrite. I thought you were only into black women..."
- "I used to be a fan, but I'm not anymore. I hope you and the white girl are happy together. I won't be supporting you, your blog, Sweat, or anything else by you."
- "I liked you, but I don't anymore. There are plenty of black women out here. You just need to get out of Atlanta or stop dissing those of us who want to get to know you better..."
I have damn near heard it all these last few days. Thankfully the women writing this stuff haven't been the majority. In fact, most of the comments and emails I've received about Sapphire have been positive. I appreciate the support.
I wasn't going to rant and rave about it, but some of these emails are unnerving. This is why I will not date or meet anyone through my blog. This nonsense is a fatal attraction waiting to happen.
Women who I have never met or had a conversation with have seemingly fallen in love with me through this blog. On one hand I'm flattered and gracious. On the other hand it spooks me.
Who I date is my business. I'm not going to live my life worrying about losing subscribers on this blog. If you ever reach the point where my blogs, who I'm dating, or what I'm doing is fucking up your head it's best to unsubscribe.
I'm NEVER going to be everything to everybody. I can only be ME...and I am complex as hell. Take me for what I am please.
Let me address another thing...
The cries of internalized racism/colorism/self-hate/me being anti-black woman are UNFOUNDED. Just about every woman I have been crazy about has been black. These women have been dark-skinned, brown-skinned, light-skinned, etc. No one can ever accuse me of hating black women because that is bullshit if I've ever heard it. I admit I have a type (i.e., natural hair, clean cut, slim, feminine), but overall black women have always been my preference. I also admit I DESPISE the ratchet stereotypical black lesbians we have here in Atlanta (and many of you seem to share my feelings because I get those emails as well).
Generally speaking, I try to show everyone respect. If you come at me correct you will get that in return. When I'm wrong I will apologize and keep it moving. However, I am not going to be told what to do, who I am, or how I should feel.
Now that I've decided that Sapphire is going to be MY woman my blogs will only become more graphic and detailed about our relationship. She's about to be become a big part of my life. She's about to become a big part of this blog. If you cannot stomach that UNSUBSCRIBE.